Sam Smith brings you belters and balls-ups from Liverpool to Leverkusen, Marseille to Milan and Barcelona to the Bundesliga
Greetings sports fans to the latest edition of Video Stars, our weekly review of the good, the bad and the ugly of all that football has had to offer over the past seven days.
And what a week it has been.
We've painstakingly picked our way through the funniest own goals, comedy clangers and scintillating strikes to bring you a cornucopia of football action.
With goals from Queensland to Rochdale and gaffes from Barcelona to Stockport, we've scoured the globe to bring you the best footy clip-fest the Internet can offer.
And just because Halloween and Bonfire Night have passed us by, donâÂÂt for a second think we will load this blog with tired puns (eek!) or lazy bonfire-related word play.
No, no, here at FourFourTwo.com, we let the football do the talking.
So, as ever, letâÂÂs get underway with some ghastly own ghouls that are sure to haunt these unfortunate players for years to come. (Sorry â wonâÂÂt happen again.)
OGGY OGGY OGGY!
ThereâÂÂs no better feeling than snatching an equaliser at the death, unless of course you stick it in your own net.
Deep into added time, Gerard PiqueâÂÂs neat near-post finish past his own âÂÂkeeper gifts Osasuna an unlikely draw against league-leaders Barca.
In the Champions League, Silvan Aegerter sets Marseille on their way to a 6-1 mauling of FC Zürich inside four minutes, thanks to this darting run and glancing header. Into his own net.
Fancy watching SouthamptonâÂÂs Neal Trotman somehow miscue an attempted clearance past Kelvin Davis for Leyton OrientâÂÂs second? Then skip to 1m 03s to witness some truly woeful Saints defending.
GOL GOL GOL!
On another week, most of these scorchers would have made the Video Stars top six, so lie back, roll up your sleeves and bask in this bounty of beauties.
A rejuvenated Ronaldinho (welcome back) gets the ball rolling with quite possibly the final word on âÂÂhow to wallop a penaltyâÂÂ.
Watch as the Brazilian maestro blasts the ball into the roof of the net â past a weirdly beardy Iker Casillas â for AC Milan in the 1-1 draw with Real Madrid. WHACK!
Two penalties we hear you cry? When theyâÂÂre this good â hell yes.
ItâÂÂs that man Robbie Fowler again, gracefully dinking home from 12 yards for North Queensland Fury, netting his eighth of the season in the bargain.
From the A-League to the Champions League, and MarseilleâÂÂs Benoit Cheyrou, who spanks home from distance to score the fifth in a 6-1 victory over FC Zurich, as the Swiss roll over in France.
Another glorious long-ranger now, this time from Wolfsburg's Zvjezdan Misimovic, who ghosts (sorry) forward unopposed before lashing home a top-corner belter from 30 yards in the 3-0 win over Besiktas.
Over in Serie A, Catania equalise against Fiorentina with a real corker. Sebastien Frey has no chance against this unstoppable right-footed pearler from 25 yards from Giuseppe Mascara. Enough to make the eyes water. (See what we did there?).
ToulouseâÂÂs Moussa Sissoko went five yards better with this 30-yard hammer in the 1-1 draw with Toulouse...
...and in Division Three, Graham Kavanagh does his best to make this weekâÂÂs Video Stars a one-man show with these two crackers at 1m 36s and 1m 50s. Yep, that really is two from CarlisleâÂÂs old-timer.
Some volleys for you now, starting with LiverpoolâÂÂs Fernando Torres, whose swivelling body and swinging right peg paved the way for this volleyed cracker in the 3-1 defeat to Fulham. Not bad for a dodgy groin (no offence, Nando).
Volleys are all the rage over in the Bundesliga, as Toni Kroos demonstrates for Leverkusen in the 2-2 draw with Schalke with this banger from the edge of the area...
...while Aaron "No thanks Mr Capello" Hunt of Werder Bremen controls beautifully on his chest before tonking home this top-corner volley against Nurnberg. Someone get the boy an English passport.
Another volleyed belter from Video Stars alumnus Urby Emanuelson now, who proved his boots must be laced with gunpowder (again, apologies) to score AjaxâÂÂs second against Feyenoord. Watch him rifle home an unstoppable left-footer into the roof of the net here.
Back in Italy, Marco Boriello bags two for AC Milan against Parma, both courtesy of Ronaldinho assists, but this scissored second sizzles in stoppage time.
A bit of Portuguese magic for you now, as former Newcastle flop Hugo Vianalarrups home this free-kick from a tight angle to put table-topping Braga on their way to a 2-0 win over Benfica.
ItâÂÂs all about technique with these last four goals, starting with this impudent chip from Spartak Moscow's Meschini Alex against Rostov.
In Spain, Alvaro Negredo bags SevillaâÂÂs first at Xerez thanks to this instant control, nifty lift and looping header.
While back in BlightyâÂÂs lower leagues, Blackpool score a second against Doncaster thanks to Jay Emmanuel-Thomasâ defence splitting quick feet in the build up to this fine solo effort. (1m 18s)
And finally, Simon Whaley sticks in Rochdale's third in a 4-0 win at Bournemouth, with this incisive run and finish. HeâÂÂs having a maze-up! (1m 10s)
GOALS OF THE WEEK
Ooooh. Aaaah. Video Star. Plenty of sparklers for you there, but now for the fireworks. (You wouldnâÂÂt believe us even if we said sorry).
Here, in alphabetical order, are the six best goals from the week that was:
Dynamo KievâÂÂs Andriy Shevchenkoloops a stunning volley over Julio Cesar and old foes Inter. CRASH!
Cesc Fabregas scampers his way across North London, bursting his way through the Spurs challenges to slot home. BANG!
Manchester UnitedâÂÂs Dimitar Berbatov tries to justify his price tag by turning on a coin no longer in circulation and knocking in against Blackburn. WALLOP!
Rafael Benitez needs a miracle, and testament to Ryan Babel, he almost delivers one with this belter in the 1-1 draw with Lyon. BOOM!
A top-six brace for Atletico MadridâÂÂs Sergio Aguero, who curls home a corker of a free-kick in injury-time against Chelsea. WHOOSH!
Argentina really do a good line in diminutive forwards donâÂÂt they? HereâÂÂs Aguero again, larruping home AtleticoâÂÂs opener on the volley. WHACK!
OOPS
Quite a week of goals, Video Stars fans â but if itâÂÂs a good old-fashioned cock-up that floats your boat, we will not disappoint.
But what do you call a nice big helping of footballing fails? A gaggle of gaffes? A multitude of miskicks? A collection of clangers?
No, we simply call it Oops â enjoy.
Watch (at 1m 38s) as Bayern MunichâÂÂs keeper Jorg Butt (please, no jokes) comes charging out of his goal only to be beaten by Marouane Chamakh, who slides the ball into an empty net to wrap up BordeauxâÂÂs comfortable 2-0 win.
More calamitous keeping over in Spain now, as, for a split second, DeportivoâÂÂs Daniel Aranzubia thinks he's a 10-year-old at a wedding reception, hitting the dance floor and sliding past Sporting GijonâÂÂs Diego Castro, who slots home an easy equaliser.
Staying in la Liga, Almeria demonstrate classic comedy defending at its finest, as both âÂÂkeeper and defender fail to clear their lines, allowing midfielder "Queen" Lafita to prod home for Zaragoza.
Take a look at this clanger in the normally defensively sound Serie A. NapoliâÂÂs Matteo Contini all but gift-wrapped this one, nodding straight to Sebastian Giovinco for the Juve half-pint's first of the season.
Back in EnglandâÂÂs green and pleasant land, skip on to 30s to watch Stockport keeper Owain Fon Williams sent a-flapping by Norwich CityâÂÂs Simon Lappin (coincidental rhyme), to gift Grant Holt the opener in a 3-1 victory.
And the final word on this weekâÂÂs bonanza of blundering goalkeepers goes to Werder BremenâÂÂs Tim Weiss, who comes flying out of goal, misses the ball by a country mile and presents NurnbergâÂÂs Eigler with a simple tap-in.
To add insult to injury, he gets clonked on the bonce to boot â ainâÂÂt that a kick in the head?
Send goal/gaffe suggestions to gary.parkinson@haymarket.com or our Twitter feed or mention them in the forum thread
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