Video Stars: Watch the goals & gaffes of the week
Sam Smith brings you belters and balls-ups from Liverpool to Leverkusen, Marseille to Milan and Barcelona to the Bundesliga
Greetings sports fans to the latest edition of Video Stars, our weekly review of the good, the bad and the ugly of all that football has had to offer over the past seven days.
And what a week it has been.
We've painstakingly picked our way through the funniest own goals, comedy clangers and scintillating strikes to bring you a cornucopia of football action.
With goals from Queensland to Rochdale and gaffes from Barcelona to Stockport, we've scoured the globe to bring you the best footy clip-fest the Internet can offer.
And just because Halloween and Bonfire Night have passed us by, donÃ¢ÂÂt for a second think we will load this blog with tired puns (eek!) or lazy bonfire-related word play.
No, no, here at FourFourTwo.com, we let the football do the talking.
So, as ever, letÃ¢ÂÂs get underway with some ghastly own ghouls that are sure to haunt these unfortunate players for years to come. (Sorry Ã¢ÂÂ wonÃ¢ÂÂt happen again.)
OGGY OGGY OGGY!
ThereÃ¢ÂÂs no better feeling than snatching an equaliser at the death, unless of course you stick it in your own net.
Deep into added time, Gerard PiqueÃ¢ÂÂs neat near-post finish past his own Ã¢ÂÂkeeper gifts Osasuna an unlikely draw against league-leaders Barca.
In the Champions League, Silvan Aegerter sets Marseille on their way to a 6-1 mauling of FC ZÃÂ¼rich inside four minutes, thanks to this darting run and glancing header. Into his own net.
Fancy watching SouthamptonÃ¢ÂÂs Neal Trotman somehow miscue an attempted clearance past Kelvin Davis for Leyton OrientÃ¢ÂÂs second? Then skip to 1m 03s to witness some truly woeful Saints defending.
GOL GOL GOL!
On another week, most of these scorchers would have made the Video Stars top six, so lie back, roll up your sleeves and bask in this bounty of beauties.
A rejuvenated Ronaldinho (welcome back) gets the ball rolling with quite possibly the final word on Ã¢ÂÂhow to wallop a penaltyÃ¢ÂÂ.
Watch as the Brazilian maestro blasts the ball into the roof of the net Ã¢ÂÂ past a weirdly beardy Iker Casillas Ã¢ÂÂ for AC Milan in the 1-1 draw with Real Madrid. WHACK!
Two penalties we hear you cry? When theyÃ¢ÂÂre this good Ã¢ÂÂ hell yes.
ItÃ¢ÂÂs that man Robbie Fowler again, gracefully dinking home from 12 yards for North Queensland Fury, netting his eighth of the season in the bargain.
From the A-League to the Champions League, and MarseilleÃ¢ÂÂs Benoit Cheyrou, who spanks home from distance to score the fifth in a 6-1 victory over FC Zurich, as the Swiss roll over in France.
Another glorious long-ranger now, this time from Wolfsburg's Zvjezdan Misimovic, who ghosts (sorry) forward unopposed before lashing home a top-corner belter from 30 yards in the 3-0 win over Besiktas.
Over in Serie A, Catania equalise against Fiorentina with a real corker. Sebastien Frey has no chance against this unstoppable right-footed pearler from 25 yards from Giuseppe Mascara. Enough to make the eyes water. (See what we did there?).
ToulouseÃ¢ÂÂs Moussa Sissoko went five yards better with this 30-yard hammer in the 1-1 draw with Toulouse...
...and in Division Three, Graham Kavanagh does his best to make this weekÃ¢ÂÂs Video Stars a one-man show with these two crackers at 1m 36s and 1m 50s. Yep, that really is two from CarlisleÃ¢ÂÂs old-timer.
Some volleys for you now, starting with LiverpoolÃ¢ÂÂs Fernando Torres, whose swivelling body and swinging right peg paved the way for this volleyed cracker in the 3-1 defeat to Fulham. Not bad for a dodgy groin (no offence, Nando).
Volleys are all the rage over in the Bundesliga, as Toni Kroos demonstrates for Leverkusen in the 2-2 draw with Schalke with this banger from the edge of the area...
...while Aaron "No thanks Mr Capello" Hunt of Werder Bremen controls beautifully on his chest before tonking home this top-corner volley against Nurnberg. Someone get the boy an English passport.
Another volleyed belter from Video Stars alumnus Urby Emanuelson now, who proved his boots must be laced with gunpowder (again, apologies) to score AjaxÃ¢ÂÂs second against Feyenoord. Watch him rifle home an unstoppable left-footer into the roof of the net here.
Back in Italy, Marco Boriello bags two for AC Milan against Parma, both courtesy of Ronaldinho assists, but this scissored second sizzles in stoppage time.
A bit of Portuguese magic for you now, as former Newcastle flop Hugo Viana larrups home this free-kick from a tight angle to put table-topping Braga on their way to a 2-0 win over Benfica.
ItÃ¢ÂÂs all about technique with these last four goals, starting with this impudent chip from Spartak Moscow's Meschini Alex against Rostov.
In Spain, Alvaro Negredo bags SevillaÃ¢ÂÂs first at Xerez thanks to this instant control, nifty lift and looping header.
While back in BlightyÃ¢ÂÂs lower leagues, Blackpool score a second against Doncaster thanks to Jay Emmanuel-ThomasÃ¢ÂÂ defence splitting quick feet in the build up to this fine solo effort. (1m 18s)
And finally, Simon Whaley sticks in Rochdale's third in a 4-0 win at Bournemouth, with this incisive run and finish. HeÃ¢ÂÂs having a maze-up! (1m 10s)
GOALS OF THE WEEK
Ooooh. Aaaah. Video Star. Plenty of sparklers for you there, but now for the fireworks. (You wouldnÃ¢ÂÂt believe us even if we said sorry).
Here, in alphabetical order, are the six best goals from the week that was:
Dynamo KievÃ¢ÂÂs Andriy Shevchenko loops a stunning volley over Julio Cesar and old foes Inter. CRASH!
Cesc Fabregas scampers his way across North London, bursting his way through the Spurs challenges to slot home. BANG!
Manchester UnitedÃ¢ÂÂs Dimitar Berbatov tries to justify his price tag by turning on a coin no longer in circulation and knocking in against Blackburn. WALLOP!
Rafael Benitez needs a miracle, and testament to Ryan Babel, he almost delivers one with this belter in the 1-1 draw with Lyon. BOOM!
A top-six brace for Atletico MadridÃ¢ÂÂs Sergio Aguero, who curls home a corker of a free-kick in injury-time against Chelsea. WHOOSH!
Argentina really do a good line in diminutive forwards donÃ¢ÂÂt they? HereÃ¢ÂÂs Aguero again, larruping home AtleticoÃ¢ÂÂs opener on the volley. WHACK!
Quite a week of goals, Video Stars fans Ã¢ÂÂ but if itÃ¢ÂÂs a good old-fashioned cock-up that floats your boat, we will not disappoint.
But what do you call a nice big helping of footballing fails? A gaggle of gaffes? A multitude of miskicks? A collection of clangers?
No, we simply call it Oops Ã¢ÂÂ enjoy.
Watch (at 1m 38s) as Bayern MunichÃ¢ÂÂs keeper Jorg Butt (please, no jokes) comes charging out of his goal only to be beaten by Marouane Chamakh, who slides the ball into an empty net to wrap up BordeauxÃ¢ÂÂs comfortable 2-0 win.
More calamitous keeping over in Spain now, as, for a split second, DeportivoÃ¢ÂÂs Daniel Aranzubia thinks he's a 10-year-old at a wedding reception, hitting the dance floor and sliding past Sporting GijonÃ¢ÂÂs Diego Castro, who slots home an easy equaliser.
Staying in la Liga, Almeria demonstrate classic comedy defending at its finest, as both Ã¢ÂÂkeeper and defender fail to clear their lines, allowing midfielder "Queen" Lafita to prod home for Zaragoza.
Take a look at this clanger in the normally defensively sound Serie A. NapoliÃ¢ÂÂs Matteo Contini all but gift-wrapped this one, nodding straight to Sebastian Giovinco for the Juve half-pint's first of the season.
Back in EnglandÃ¢ÂÂs green and pleasant land, skip on to 30s to watch Stockport keeper Owain Fon Williams sent a-flapping by Norwich CityÃ¢ÂÂs Simon Lappin (coincidental rhyme), to gift Grant Holt the opener in a 3-1 victory.
And the final word on this weekÃ¢ÂÂs bonanza of blundering goalkeepers goes to Werder BremenÃ¢ÂÂs Tim Weiss, who comes flying out of goal, misses the ball by a country mile and presents NurnbergÃ¢ÂÂs Eigler with a simple tap-in.
To add insult to injury, he gets clonked on the bonce to boot Ã¢ÂÂ ainÃ¢ÂÂt that a kick in the head?