Coin-lobbers! Poisonous snakes! Monkeys killing Imps!
It's all happening in the new FourFourTwo Ã¢ÂÂ along with a healthy dollop of football beyond the Premiership...
As Portsmouth are almost certain to find out soon, there is life beyond the top flight.
This month's FourFourTwo goes big on the Football League. And it's not just our annual in-depth look at the Top 50 Football League Players Ã¢ÂÂ as revealed at the recent Awards.
We spend a desperate day with Darlington fans watching their bottom-of-the-league team go from 2-0 up after 80 minutes to losing 3-2. To an own goal. Now that's proper football.
We interrogate Swindon Town's mascot, and we investigate how the collapse of ITV Digital almost nailed the world's oldest league to the wall. We get Gavin Strachan to compare notes with his fellow famous offspring Kasper Schmeichel, and we hear Roy Keane growl "Sometimes I'm not in the mood for silly questions".
And being FourFourTwo, we bring you informed opinions from everywhere. In his monthly column, Gordon Strachan says the Championship isn't the rough-house it's sometimes made out to be - and says whether he thinks Celtic or Rangers would win it.
BBC favourite Mark Clemmit presents his Alternative Awards; in Sing When You're Winning, My Family actor Robert "Wolfie Smith" Lindsay waxes lyrical on his beloved Derby County; in At The End Of The Day, outgoing Football League chairman Lord Mawhinney on why Trevor Brooking's attitude annoyed him.
Huddersfield Town's motivational guru Steve Black explains why "Wayne Rooney could sit on his backside for nine days without losing any fitness", Bradford City defender Steve Williams reveals his Secret Vice Ã¢ÂÂ a career on the side as a hairdresser Ã¢ÂÂ and Crystal Palace's musical midfielder Neil Danns insists "I'm not the new David Bowie".
And we name the maddest player in Football League history. You almost certainly haven't heard of him. (No, really; it's not Robin Friday.)
MEANWHILE, IN THE TOP FLIGHT...
It would be perverse to ignore the Premier League, so we haven't Ã¢ÂÂ but we've used our unparalleled access to ask the big names the interesting questions.
So in his One-on-One, dying-breed one-club-man Jamie Carragher explains what Liverpool need to challenge for the title ("A stronger squad...") and reveals what he was thinking when he lobbed the coin into the crowd at Highbury ("Have that, you cheeky b*st*rd...")
In an interview with the title-chasers' Unsung Heroes, Darren Fletcher defends his tackling, Florent Malouda recounts Carlo Ancelotti's penchant for comedy and Alex Song reveals what Arsene Wenger thinks is his best position.
Oh, and Ask A Silly Question victim John O'Shea explains why he'd like to see a mental patient run amok in the Old Trafford dressing room with a poisonous snake.
And there's the usual collection of conversational curios from around Planet Football:
* The six things that turned around Bayern Munich's season (warning: includes Arjen Robben's long-johns)
* Psychologists and couturiers assess Barcelona boss Pep Guardiola's wardrobe
* Win a Brazil 70 shirt signed by Pele
* A report from inside North Korea: stage-managed optimism and a few sweaty palms
* The Mascot World Cup - would World Cup Willie gore Goleo?
* Simon Kuper: managers don't win games, pay-packets do
* FFT to Gerard Pique: "Do you miss anything about the city of Manchester?" Pique: "No, not the place or the food or the weather"
* And the only Englishman playing in Brazil says "I've never been nutmegged so much in my entire life..."
PLUS FREE WORLD CUP SUPPLEMENT
The latest in FourFourTwo's collection of World Cup supplements Ã¢ÂÂ World Cupplements, if you will Ã¢ÂÂ reveals how USA 94 wouldn't have happened if a lawyer hadn't remortgaged his house.
We recount the tales of Alexi Lalas, Oleg Salenko, Ireland-Italy, Gheorghe Hagi, Yordan Letchkov, Aldo's outburst, the calamitous Colombians and the bonkers Bulgarians. And we reveal the foul-mouthed tirade unleashed by Dunga as he lifted the trophy on behalf of "boring, boring" Brazil.
This issue of FourFourTwo was brought to you partly by interviewing Jamie Carragher, Gordon Strachan, Kevin Pietersen, Fraser Forster, Simon Kuper, Tony Daley, Martin Allen, Neil Harris, Steve Walsh, John O'Shea, Lee Hughes, Craig Dawson, Grant Holt, Gus Poyet, Rickie Lambert, Mark Clemmit, Chris Sutton, Robbie Savage, Nathaniel Clyne, Lee Camp, Jermaine Beckford, Graham Dorrans, Kevin Nolan, Robert Lindsay, Steve Black, Lee Clark, Michael Collins, Steve Williams, Darren Fletcher, Florent Malouda, Alex Song, Lord Mawhinney, Pak Doo Ik, Roy Keane, Gavin Strachan, Kasper Schmeichel, Neil Danns, Robert Snodgrass, Rob Cousins, Justin Edinburgh, Jackie McNamara, Sol Bamba, Gerard Pique, Alou Diarra, David Villa, Alexi Lalas, Chuck Blazer, Oleg Salenko, Eric Wynalda, Gheorghe Hagi, Leo Messi's mum and Swindon mascot Rockin' Robin.