Premier League soothsayers discern from mystic runes that Arsenal will play Liverpool on opening day

Mystics, astrologers, and oracles have announced that they have consulted with the shades of their ancestors, and that the destiny of next season's Premier League has been revealed.

Official FA prognosticator Bryan Hemming, also called Bryan the Seer, said: "Hear ye, hear ye! We performed the rituals prescribed by ancient custom, the future was revealed to us. The stars declare that newly promoted Middlesbrough start their Premier League campaign hosting Stoke.

"A she-goat was doused in the enchanted stream and slaughtered with the obsidian Knife of Knowing, and lo, from her viscera, I see that Liverpool face a tough start to the year with Arsenal, Tottenham, Leicester and Chelsea all in their first five games.

"Woe to Tony Pulis, whom the gods have forsaken. But they smile on Burnley, who have home matches on the first and last days of the season, and on Boxing Day, which will please their fans and make them give thanks to the faceless spirits."

Junior soothsayer Ed Parker, known as Ed the Scryer, told FourFourTwo that they were confident that they were interpreting the symbols accurately.

"The spirits are generally pretty clear about this," the Scryer said. "Bryan and I observed the flight of the swifts and listened to the swaying of the holy trees, and it clearly said: 'Tough run-in for Crystal Palace.’ I think the spirits just don't like Alan Pardew very much, and I suppose you can't really blame them."

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