Nigel de Jong has spoken of his delight at joining LA Galaxy, telling reporters that it represents a thrilling new opportunity to kick people in the chest.
De Jong joins on a free after his Milan contract was cancelled by mutual consent, owing in part to his propensity for aiming chest-high kicks at Rossoneri manager Sinisa Mihajlovic.
“I’ve been lucky enough to play against some great players, and to plant my boot in places nobody thought I could reach,” said De Jong, indicating a gallery of framed photos of him kicking opponents and team-mates in the chest, neck, and head.
“The pleasure of proving them wrong has been almost as great as the pleasure of sizing a much more skilled opponent, and launching myself studs-first at their solar plexus.
“There are no more chests left for me to kick in Europe, or tibias for me to shatter with a well-timed, badly timed tackle,” he continued. “MLS represents a brand-new world of soft tissue and fragile rib bones to get stuck into, and I can’t wait to horrify my new fans with my characteristic mindless aggression.”
Despite criticism that his limited range of chest-kicking would be found out at the highest level, De Jong successfully made his mark on opponents’ chests in Italy, England and Germany, as well as his native Netherlands. He was the lynchpin of the Dutch team that reached the 2010 World Cup Final, where the Oranje lost to Spain despite De Jong's valiant attempt to remove Xabi Alonso’s heart.
At the Galaxy, De Jong will link up with former England star Ashley Cole, who has spoken of his excitement at moving somewhere where the law makes it easy to shoot people in the face.
Please note: This satirical news story is not real. But you already knew that, right?
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