Southampton terminate Dani Osvaldo
Dani Osvaldo has been terminated by Southampton, after the club decided to cut their losses on the record signing with a bayonet.
Osvaldo joined the Saints in 2013, but poor performances and a series of disciplinary issues, plus ongoing uncertainty over whether he was an Italian man called Daniel or an Argentine man called Pablo, have led to him paying the ultimate penalty.
Osvaldo, who was on £70,000 a week, will be commemorated with a minute's silence in the first game of next season, after which his name, and all other records of his existence, will be stricken from all official documentation and his ashes scattered to the four winds.
Southampton told FourFourTwo that the decision to liquidate Osvaldo had not been taken lightly.
"There were sound arguments for letting him live, but ultimately he was becoming a liability and we couldn't tolerate that," a club spokesman said. "We had a special board meeting on Wednesday where we decided to bite the bullet. Or rather, that Dani should bite it.
"We could have just released him, of course, but we wanted to send a message. We hope that seeing the shape under that white sheet in the club mortuary will really inspire our younger players, and remind them what's at stake. Plus, it's nice to give Francis Benali something to do."
The club have also announced plans to extend Toby Alderweireld's loan by bringing him back to England in a burlap sack and keeping him in a windowless metal room until he agrees to snub Tottenham.