Soap bars and lasagne: the Premier Review

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Sometimes, championship-winning sides have been know to order special medals for players who weren’t able to play in the minimum games required but made a telling contribution to the campaign.

By that token, if either Manchester United or Chelsea win the league this year, they should order a medal for Manuel Almunia, after another gaffe from the Arsenal keeper cost his team two vital points. It's not just the Spaniard’s chances of making Fabio Capello’s England squad that are slipping away.

Chelsea were the first team to take advantage of Arsenal’s woe with a quite astounding 7-1 thumping of Aston Villa, all with Sven’s Didier Drogba relaxing on the bench.

Frank Lampard was man of the match, and... are you sitting down? He bagged four goals himself! Are you really sitting down? They all went in without deflections!

Meanwhile, Manchester United stayed at the top, after a 4-0 victory over neighbours Bolton. With Wayne Rooney maturing back at home, it was up to Dimitar Berbatov to take up the slack, and the Bulgarian didn’t let his team-mates down.

Bolton’s JLloyd Samuel scored the first, an own-goal; his beautifully taken effort meant that United’s opponents had now provided them with 11 own goals this season – topping Berbatov’s tally. However, the £30.75m striker wasn’t to be outdone and finished off the Trotters with two goals himself.

This one’s going to go right to the wire.

So on to another Draw Specialist competition, the Alternative Premier League, modelled on boxing where champions lose their title to the team that beats them.

Those of you who have been following will remember (or maybe not) that Birmingham City held the title. Well it's changed hands a few times since then; Blues went on a six-game unbeaten streak that was halted by a 3-0 loss to Chelsea at Stamford Bridge.

For a while it looked like Chelsea could go all the way but then they were beaten 2-1, at home by Everton. Still awake? Well then the Toffees went on an impressive run themselves but that stopped at White Hart Lane in a 2-1 defeat to Spurs. 

And that’s where the crown is being held at this moment after Tottenham’s 2-0 win against Championship side Portsmouth; next week they’re defending their lead at Sunderland. As there are only a few games remaining you’ll be updated every week until the final game of the season. Anyone for lasagne?

Not only are Spurs competing for the Alternate League, they're also in prime position for the fourth Champions League spot. With Villa getting thrashed and Man City playing on Monday, Liverpool had the chance to move into fifth place against Sunderland.

And for once, the shackles were off; within three minutes Fernando Torres had scored one of goals of the season, and free-flowing football followed. Rafa Benitez had decided to give his defensive formation a rest: just the one holding midfielder, with the side’s most outstanding performer over the last six years in central midfield receiving the ball all of the time. What a concept!

So no beach balls were harmed this time around, although they did feature in the chant of the week, which went down surprisingly well with Sunderland boss Steve Bruce: “Head like a beach ball, he’s got a head like a beach ball...”

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