Groundbreaking statistician deduces that Dani Alves might be a good signing
A statistical whizkid has used a sophisticated computer programme to determine that Barcelona full-back Daniel Alves might just be a world-class footballer.
Daniel Parker, a technology maven from Brighton, combined a number of weighted statistical variables to identify potential top-quality players.
To his astonishment, he found that Alves, the former Sevilla star who moved to the Nou Camp for £30 million, might be just the ticket.
"We put everything into the Nostradamus Engine," said Parker, indicating his laptop, "We crunched the numbers, and we found that Alves ticks all the boxes.
"I know it's counterintuitive to think that a multiple La Liga winner who also boasts Champions League, UEFA Cup and Copa America winners' medals might be a first-rate footballer," Parker continued, "But the algorithm does not lie.
"Alves rates 10.00 for having won the European Cup, A++ for kicks, and 3/3 for hair, with 319 bonus points for every time he's played for Barcelona.
"I don't like to make predictions, but looking at the data I might cautiously suggest he could have something about him."
Parker explained that the details of how his system works are confidential, but revealed that he is in discussions with QPR about sharing his secrets.
"What we're doing could revolutionise the way we judge players," he concluded. "I like to think of this as Moneyball for the Wikipedia generation."