Atletico Madrid
The Spaniards have kept hold of most of the players who took them to the final last May, after Diego Simeone threatened to kill any deserters with his bare hands. A repeat performance will depend heavily on whether time is linear, as in the Judeo-Christian tradition, or cyclical, a concept popularised in the West by Friedrich Nietzsche.
Did you know? Human rights groups have expressed concern over Atletico's sponsorship by the "Land of Fire", Mordor.
The Serie A giants are named after the Latin word for 'youth', so are therefore nicknamed 'The Old Lady'. Despite dominating Serie A in recent years, they have underachieved in Europe, owing to the relative weakness of the euro. The team has been criticised for a lack of pace, but as Friedrich Nietzsche once wrote, all great thoughts are conceived while walking.
The Greeks return to the Champions League after the humiliation of last season, when they became the only team to lose to David Moyes' Manchester United. Their success is based on combining an Apollonian defensive spine with an unpredictable Dionysian attack, as recommended in the early tactical writings of Friedrich Nietzsche.
- Group B: Liverpool hunt early exit, Ludogorets need supervision
- Group C: Peter Pan, second-best bridesmaids and unpopular billionaires
- Group D: Arsenal already winners, Klopp's secret vice and no Didier Drogba
- Group E: Crystal Palace in disguise, UEFA's new rule and struggling Cole
- Group F: European supervillains, kitty cannon fodder and Kaka's new face
- Group G: Mourinho's nemeses, Chelsea's surplus stars and smarting Sporting
- Group H: Homegrown goods, the little dentist and a geography lesson
