Pardew to use international break to dream up fantastic game-plan, excuse for Manchester City game

Crystal Palace’s manager is preparing an excuse that will dazzle fans, Back of the Net reports… 

Alan Pardew has admitted that the international break will give him some much-needed time to come up with a plan to stop Manchester City and a water-tight excuse for why it didn’t work.

Crystal Palace have lost four games on the bounce and have been sucked towards the relegation zone - a run which has nothing whatsoever do with the qualities of Pardew or his players.

Pardew has patiently explained the causes of defeats against Burnley, Liverpool, Leicester and West Ham, which range from poor refereeing decisions to Jason Puncheon being struck down after falling victim to an ancient Aztec curse originally cast in 1467 when he purchased an amulet from a second-hand shop in Peckham Rye.

Tough run

But with a daunting test against Manchester City on the horizon, staff at Selhurst Park have reported that Pardew is spending long hours preparing his team and, more importantly, his excuse.

“Pards is the first one in in the morning and the last one out at night,” a source at Crystal Palace told FourFourTwo.

“Every inch of the whiteboard in his office is full with phrases like ‘slight slope on pitch which somehow reversed during second half’, ‘trade winds?’ and ‘global conspiracy by Illuminati against Crystal Palace.’

“He knows that at this level he can’t just come up with a ‘I thought City’s fourth goal was offside’, he needs a real gem and he’s set the bar very high. Which, actually, was one of the excuses on his list.”

Palace may field a similar starting XI to that which lost 3-2 to Burnley, but Martin Kelly (thigh strain) and Puncheon (the wrath of Mictlancihuati, Queen of the Underworld) could miss out.

Please note: This fictional news story is not real. Obviously.

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