You’re only as good as your last game, Moyes insists repeatedly

The Sunderland boss is belligerently ignoring his team’s first 10 games, Back of the Net can reveal…

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David Moyes has repeatedly and forcefully told anyone who will listen that a team is only as good as their last game since Sunderland recorded their first win of the season last weekend, tired sources within the Black Cats camp have reported.

What started as a playful soundbite has fast become a worrying obsession with whitewashing Sunderland’s miserable opening to the 2016-17 campaign.

David Moyes

Moyes is unbeaten in his last one game

Players at the Stadium of Light have been forced to join the joyless charade fearing for their careers should they point out to Moyes that they have already lost eight leagues matches.

Training boost

“The gaffer [David Moyes] gathered us all together at training and told us that the season started last weekend,” Jermain Defoe told FourFourTwo.

“We all nodded and murmured in agreement, believing it to be trite motivational rhetoric, but the gaffer [David Moyes] seemed to literally believe it.

“Whenever anyone mentions a game prior to Bournemouth, he either goes completely limp or starts to hum loudly with his fingers in his ears.”

In the Sunderland dressing room, Moyes has pasted up a crudely crafted ‘form league table’ for the last one game, in which Sunderland sit proudly in the upper reaches.

Last six matches

“It’s even more awkward because you can’t get a form league table for just one game, so he’s had to get a last six games table and scratch out the other five games,” Jordan Pickford told FourFourTwo.

“In fairness, the ‘table’ the gaffer is so proud of is a mess of ripped paper and pen marks, just like the report of the Bournemouth game he’s put up with the words ‘under-fire’ and ’struggling’ manically struck out and his hair replaced with a head of hair with a discernible shape to it.

“There’s a degree of fear in the dressing room. He had Watto [Duncan Watmore] sectioned just for mentioning the penalty we got against Arsenal. Obviously we all feel for Watto, but we all know that if we speak in his defence we could go the same way.”

FourFourTwo approached Moyes for comment but was told he had left his office to go for a stroll in the August sunshine. 

Please note: This fictional news story is not real. Obviously.

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