There are very few of us blessed with the natural talent to fulfil our boyhood dreams and grace the pro ranks.
Even fewer manage to graduate from the dog poo littered fields of park football to the professional game.
But, in an act of lunacy, Swindon Town agreed to let a hopelessly unfit journalist with the footballing talent of a one-legged donkey join them on their pre-season tour to Kaprun, Austria.
Robin reliant: FourFourTwo's manin Austria
Amidst the rich green mountains, glistening streams and quaint little houses The Robins embarked on âÂÂChampions Leagueâ pre-season.
Forget Mickey Mouse non-league opposition we (yes, thatâÂÂs right âÂÂweâÂÂ) were about to take on 1986 European Cup winners Steaua Bucharest, Champions League quarter-finalists Fenerbahce - featuring Roberto Carlos and managed by Euro 2008 winning coach Luis Aragones - and Czech outfit FC Zlin.
After a disastrous training session where I struggled to make sense of the managerâÂÂs (Maurice Malpas) Scottish accent - apart from when he barked at my incompetence - I managed to earn myself a place on the bench against Steaua, the most successful team in the history of Romanian football. Oh crap â quite literally â it wasnâÂÂt pretty. Luckily IâÂÂd brought extra underwear.
Spot the odd one out?
IâÂÂd like to tell you my path to stardom was derailed by a whirlpool of sex, drugs and rock âÂÂnâ roll, but I canâÂÂt.
IâÂÂd like to tell you IâÂÂm blessed with innate ability and had it not been for a cruel injury, I would be mixing it in the Premier League, but I canâÂÂt.
My career has not so much got out of first gear, but rather been stuck at the bottom of a hill with the handbrake firmly jammed. Reality check... IâÂÂm dreadful.
But, would I defy the odds and announce myself on the big stage with a match winning performance? Or would I fall flat on my arse and shame the red and white of Swindon Town?
YouâÂÂll have to read FourFourTwo magazine, due on shelves July 30...
"Please... make it stop"
