The Dismissive Primera Predictions: Part 3

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Tim Stannard continues his preview of the coming La Liga season. Today it's the turn of Mallorca, Osasuna, Racing Santander, Real Madrid and Real Sociedad...

Mallorca

The return of Michael Laudrup, who has taken over at Mallorca (LLL gives panty but still very manly sigh and flaps its fan) sees the Spanish league lining up the Premier LeagueâÂÂs bloated booty in its sights and kicking it repeatedly in the hunk stakes. Oh yes.

As well as the Great Dane of Mallorca, la LigaâÂÂs contingent of man-crush making managers would include Jose Mourinho, Pep Guardiola, Míchel, Unai Emery (who is a little bug-eyed, to be fair) and Quique Sánchez Flores - the first three being the prime Primera performers in the nudey stakes according to LLLâÂÂs correspondent on lady things.

So, itâÂÂs a comfortable 5-0 win for the la Liga.

But back to football and the sorry subject of Mallorca. Basically, the Balearic club are in voluntary administration, have lost their best players, coach Gregorio Manzano and are still moaning about not being allowed into this yearâÂÂs Europa League. But LLL still has faith that Laudrup can keep Mallorca afloat, this season. But nothing more.

An Osasuna-supporting acquaintance of LLL predicted that it would be a fine campaign to come for his club, with his burped declaration that âÂÂwe have Pandiani...and...er...erâÂÂ. But if OsasunaâÂÂs cunning plan is to continue hacking long balls up to the 34-year-old Uruguayan forward, then the Pamplonan side could be in trouble.

However, it seems that manager, José Antonio Camacho, has a plan B with the intriguing summer signing of Dejan Lekic from Red Star Belgrade. And if things go completely t*ts up then thereâÂÂs always the utterly hopeless but always enthusiastic Carlos Aranda - 29 league appearances, five goals last season - who has made the bold declaration that he hopes that âÂÂthis year, I score more goals and play even betterâÂÂ.

With Osasuna one of the blogâÂÂs favourite teams, LLL hopes ArandaâÂÂs statement of intent comes to pass.

ItâÂÂs rare in la Liga for all three promoted clubs to go straight back down - LLL is far too lazy to find out the last time it happened - as there is always one coffin-dodging club on borrowed time that slips through the trap door into la Segunda. In the past two seasons, Betis and Valladolid played this role beautifully.

The only candle flicker of hope in the Cantabrian team's world was put out with a ton of cow dung with the transfer of Sergio Canales to Real Madrid and the decision of the Capital City club not to return the forward to El Sardinero in a loan deal. Racing are now left relying on Mohammed Tchité and Pedro Munitis for goals. And thatâÂÂs not good. 

Racing face Barcelona, Valencia, Sevilla, Getafe and Villarreal in their first six games in the new season - a run that will leave the club with a very, very tiny number of points and in a relegation battle from the off. ItâÂÂs a battle they are going to lose. And thatâÂÂs a shame as RacingâÂÂs obsession with all things cow-related is quite endearing.

The biggest fun to be had this season certainly wonâÂÂt come through watching the Real Madrid players grinding out MourinhoâÂÂs shutting-up-shop-at-one-nil-game-plan for the next nine months, but the way that the clubâÂÂs chief cheerleader, Marca, are going to have to spin the notion that those heretical fans who will inevitably be booing the tactic are wrong in their opinions and should be hounded out of the Santiago Bernabeu.

Throughout the summer the paper that has a direct line to Florentino Pérez has gasped and moistened its panties at every single thing the Portuguese coach has done from the way he moved training to start a half-an-hour earlier to how he enjoys yelling abuse at Karim Benzema in front of the rest of the squad on a regular basis.

It was a move that prompted a full two pages of praise from MarcaâÂÂs director Eduardo Inda - a genuine Kent Brockman âÂÂI welcome our insect overlordsâ character if ever there was one - and a glowing editorial in the paperâÂÂs back pages.

âÂÂThe Special One has achieved the unity of the group towards one common goal. The validity of his methods are unquestionable.âÂÂ

The club see utilising their youth system as the way forward, with 16 members of their currently listed first team squad being raised in the Real Sociedad ranks. One of those who is returning home after an eight season absence is Joseba Llorente who joined from Villarreal and is one of the shrewdest signings of the summer in the blogâÂÂs highly-qualified opinion.

Part One:  Athletic Bilbao, Barcelona, Deportivo, Atletico Madrid & Almeria
Part Two: Malaga, Espanyol, Getafe, Hercules & LevantePart Four: Sevilla, Sporting, Valencia, Villarreal & Zaragoza

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