Welcome patrons. Please take a seat, stuff the tablecloth into your shirt and drink the fingerbowl: Le Bistro de Video Stars is once again open for business.
WhatâÂÂs on the menu? In short, a feast of football action.
With the finest footy fodder the beautiful game has served up, we have put together a veritable smorgasbord of video clips, sampling a range of international flavours, all for your delectation.
So let FourFourTwo.com play maître d as you greedily gorge yourself on this weekâÂÂs bountiful servings of goals and gaffes.
Football â itâÂÂs our F-Word. Just donâÂÂt fill up on bread.
OWN GOALS
Nothing gets the appetite going like a few own-goal aperitifs. A splash of poor timing, a healthy glug of bad decision making, muddled with a few flailing limbs, and you have yourself the perfect cock(up)tail.
Enjoy â and try not to choke on the little umbrella.
Getting this weekâÂÂs extravaganza underway is ArsenalâÂÂs Thomas Vermaelen, who deflects Ashley ColeâÂÂs cross into his own net for ChelseaâÂÂs second goal using only his shin (at 6m25s).
Good skills Mr. Vermaelen. (Note how well we did to avoid a âÂÂshin and tonicâ gag â well done us).
Some FA Cup action now, as North met South in âÂÂa tale of two âÂÂamptonsâÂÂ.
And for SouthamptonâÂÂs Dean Hammond, it was the best time of times, and it was the worst of times, as shortly after scoring at the right end, he gets the faintest of toe-pokes to put past his own keeper at the other.
Aston VillaâÂÂs Stiliyan Petrov looks a right pudding (at 19s) in the Milk, sorry Rumbelows, sorry Carling Cup tie with Portsmouth.
Danny WebberâÂÂs poor corner doesnâÂÂt beat the first man, but fortunately for him, the first man is Petrov, who dutifully slices into his own goal (at 19s). Top drawer. But let's not over-og the pudding...
GOALS
Enough of the mix-oggie-ologists, let's crack on with the starters.
And though the best is yet to come with our top six goals of the week, there is nothing table d'hôte about this batch of belters.
First, a move started and finished by Michaels, as goalkeeper Ingham sends it route one to forward Rankine, who batters it home from 25 yards for York in the 2-1 FA Cup win over Cambridge United. Simple.
In the Bundesliga, WolfsburgâÂÂs Edin Dzeko continues another season-long audition for a move to a bigger club during the 2-2 drawer with Werder Bremen.
The Bosnian cuts in from the right and dizzyingly turns the same two defenders so many times they probably have inner-ear complaints, before placing his shot into Tim WieseâÂÂs far corner.
"His name was Dzeko, he was a scorer..."
WeâÂÂre off to Nether-Netherlands now, as Wout Brama scores his first ever league goal (bless him) for Twente, in the 3-1 win over Willem II.
Brama makes it look simple with a saucy dipper from outside the area that deceives Willem keeper Niki Maenpaa (his parents must be so proud).
Our tour of Europe takes us to Italy next, and a 25-yarder from Serie A top scorer Antonio Di Natale.
Fresh from suspension, and with the bit between his teeth, Di Natale hits this one al dente, curling home a sublimely emphatic set-piece for Udinese against Livorno.
Sticking in Serie A, NeneâÂÂs searing right-footed strike goes sailing into the top corner despite Gianluigi Buffon's best efforts, as Cagliari brought the Old Lady to her knees with a 2-0 victory over Juve.
To the home of nouvelle cuisine, haricots and Henry-handballs now, as LyonâÂÂs Lisandro Lopezwhips home this glorious free-kick against Rennes. Watch it in slow-mo and count the rotations. Beautiful.
Some more French fancies for you now â this time from the Brazilian sounding, yet entirely Ivorian, Gervinho.
Watch here as the Lille striker notches up a fine goal against Valenciennes, sauté-ing his way past several defenders en-croute (sorry) to the penalty area, before guiding the ball past the non-shirt-printing-friendly Guy Rolland Ndy Assembe.
Back in good old Blighty, and another vintage strike from the (insert your own superlative here) 96-year-old Ryan Giggs, in UnitedâÂÂs 4-1 dismantling of Pompey.
Click to watch the Welshman score his millionth goal in a glittering 58-decade career, thanks to this expertly dispatched free-kick.
You'd think Real Madrid versus Barcelona would have found its way on to our specials board, but âÂÂEl Clasicoâ was, in truth, more of a âÂÂDamp SquibioâÂÂ, until Zlatan Ibrahimovic's superb second-half volley.
After a fine, looping cross from (you'll never guess...) Dani Alves, the Swede mashes the ball past a helpless Iker Casillas for what proved the decisive goal.
"Barcelona? In Gols Of The Week? Noooo...."
Poor old Tottenham. The past three games have been something of a microcosm of a Spurs season: they look the real deal (9-1 Wigan), then stutter (1-1 Villa) before looking plain ordinary.
Manchester UnitedâÂÂs Darron Gibson scored both in a 2-0 Carling Cup victory over the North-Londoners, first with this 25-yard first-time screamer then this zesty, top-corner curling effort after a neat one-two with Danny Welbeck (at 2m17s).
Up in bonny Scotland, take a look at the normally defensively-minded Eggert (the food jokes write themselves) Jonsson, lashing home this volley on the diagonal to score Heartsâ first in a 2-1 win over Kilmarnock. (at 2m26s)
South of the border and back in the Carling Cup, Manchester CityâÂÂs Carlos Tevez poaches (weâÂÂve still got Eggert on the brain) the ball from a hesitant Tomas Rosicky, cuts inside and just keeps on running before smashing in off the bar to give his side the lead against Arsenal.
More âÂÂNot-The-Top-FourâÂÂs-Main-Priority-Cupâ action now, as VillaâÂÂs James Milner does a job on Portsmouth, coming inside off the left flank before rasping home a far-corner drive. (at 47s)
Over in the Japanese-car-A-League, the Melbourne Victory lived up to their name with a resounding 4-0 win over Gold Coast United, and even more emphatic was Robbie KruseâÂÂs wallop from outside the area.
Not bad for your first goal in two years.
A-League blog: Melbourne revels in Sydney slump
Brisbane Roar striker Sergio van Dijk notched up his 20th goal in 39 games against Beef Wellington, sorry, Wellington Phoenix, with this textbook left-foot free-kick. Shame only seven people were in the crowd to see it.
And finishing up, confusingly, down under, enjoy Daniel McBreenâÂÂs turn and bang for North Queensland Fury against Adelaide United.
After a neat pass from Robbie Fowler (the obligatory A-League Robbie reference), McBreen pivots just outside the box before larruping home a left-footed volley â momentarily distracting the small crowd enjoying a picnic on the grassy knoll behind.
GOALS OF THE WEEK
Prepare to be spoiled folks, itâÂÂs time for the specials â the footy cuisine so haute in makes the last lot look humdrum.
Cue the grand unveiling of the Video Stars àla carte â our top six goals of the week.
Like a knife through butter, this flowing four-pass move is finished off beautifully by MelbourneâÂÂs Archie Thompson, who sweeps the ball home in some style against Gold Toast, sorry, Gold Coast United. SWEET!
WATCH IT HERE
Didier Drogba invents his own free-kick signature dish with this side-footed thunderbolt to wrap things up for Chelsea against Arsenal (11m45s). TONK!
WATCH IT HERE
A touch of Klaas Jan Huntelaar for you now, as the Dutchman broke his duck a lâÂÂorange for AC Milan with a brace against Catania. Watch his second, a beautifully judged clipped finish, here. LOB!
WATCH IT HERE
This one stays hit from Man CityâÂÂs Shaun Wright-Phillips. Drifting in off the right wing, the little-chefâÂÂs whack is hotter than wasabi as it flies into the top corner. FLAMBÃÂ!
WATCH IT HERE
We canâÂÂt explain it, but it did happen. CarlisleâÂÂs Vincent âÂÂPeri Peri chickenâ Pericard somehow manages to latch on to a ball which looked to be going behind him, sending home a spectacular midair, back-heeled volley through the fog. BOGGLER!
WATCH IT HERE
Oh my (hollan)days â watch this saucy strike! A nice drop of Bordeaux to finish, as Mr Wendel clips home a corker in a 3-0 win over Nancy. FRUITY!
WATCH IT HERE
OOPS
Loosen your belt buckle, because weâÂÂre not done yet.
HereâÂÂs a spotted d**k (swear filter!) and raspberry fool to complete our culinary clip-fest. Oops â the icing on your proverbials. â¨
Proof, for all you âÂÂput a man on the postâ merchants out there, that it doesnâÂÂt always work.
Especially when your man canâÂÂt organise his lower limbs and collapses like a sh*t soufflé, as demonstrated in Zenit St. PetersburgâÂÂs 2-1 win over Spartak Moscow.
And finally, someone get Luis Prieto some gravy to put on his pie-eyed attempted clearance against Tenerife.
The ball hits the wrong side of his clearly hexagonal head to set up Juan Francisco Martinez, and kick-start a magnificent three-goal comeback.
Written by Sam Smith. Send goal/gaffe suggestions to gary.parkinson@haymarket.com or our Twitter feed.
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