We’ll see you in court, Calderón! Won’t we?

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Now that Real Madrid has skilfully managed to swerve all that pesky Champions League nonsense for another year, the club is able to turn its full attention to its favourite waste of time - bickering.

The Robben vs Huntelaar rift on the pitch has been mirrored by a mountain of degrees off it, with an increasing number of in-fighting factions struggling to gain control of the club during the current power vacuum.

At time of writing, there appears to be three main groups scrapping for the right to wine and dine Nicolas Cage impersonators.

In the red corner it’s the Marca / Florentino Pérez / Vicente Boluda ‘Establishment’ party.

Facing them in the blue corner we have the slightly more rebellious AS / Florentino Pérez / Plataforma Blanca group.

Last, and probably least, in the comedy corner it>’s a certain Ramón Calderón and his increasingly wacky ways.

Excellent news for those - including La Liga Loca - who feared that the ex-prez would disappear into the sunset after being booted out of Castle Greyskull in January. Calderón has returned. But not where he should have.

Boluda and Calderon face up and square off

Raving Ramón was due in court on Monday to face a judge investigating the club’s General Assembly in December, which featured ballot-waving voters who had no right to be there.

The summons had been ordered by one of the supporters' angry opposition groups, Regeneration de Real Madrid. This should not be confused with Etica Madridista nor Plataforma Blanca, who, in keeping up with long-standing club traditions, are also at war with each other.

However, neither Calderón nor Nanin nor Luis Barcena (the two other gentlemen who left Castle Greyskull for their part in the affair) turned up. That just left Vicente Boluda, on his tod, to admit that the day’s events were ‘shameful’ before waddling off.

Calderón did manage to find the time for Spanish radio a few hours later to comment that he did not receive any call to turn up in court and that he was in Zurich anyway on very important FIFA business.

However, like a bonus-demanding Brontosaurus-brained banker, Calderón still shows that he doesn’t quite get it and continues to boil and bubble over his departure from the club.

“I left because it was killing me,” grumbled Ramón on Cadena Ser, blaming a Vicente Boluda / Marca conspiracy for his departure. “There was a pact to force me out.”

If that wasn’t entertaining enough, Calderón also denied that there were Ultras in the assembly hall and - for old times' sake - that Cristiano Ronaldo would be coming to the Bernabeu in the summer.

"I will capture him with my poison cloud!"

The Papist plot to return Florentino Pérez to the throne is also taken up in Wednesday’s AS, which publishes a speech by Eugenio Martínez Bravo, an election pre-candidate (along with La Liga Loca) and the leader of the opposition group, Plataforma Blanca.

Bravo claims that Boluda is manipulating Madrid to allow Florentino Pérez an easy return to the presidential pile and working in cahoots with Marca and fellow opposition group Etica Madridista in a big old stitch-up.

And he’s probably right in his suspicions, says an ear-to-the-ground La Liga Loca.

AS editor Alfredo Relaño is also sitting uncomfortably with this state of affairs. Either that or he's either plonked himself on Tomás Roncero’s favourite rattle.

“The return of Pérez would be good for Madrid, but not a praised-to-the-hilt Florentino descending from the heavens surrounded by archangels.”

The big test of whether all-out war has broken out in the world of the Whites will take place on the March 29 with Madrid’s General Assembly v2.0.

At the event, Boluda will be looking to get himself confirmed as the rightful president of the club, set the dates of the presidential poll - another painful point - and discuss changes to the infamous postal vote system which caused all the kerfuffle last time round.

The bad news for the Madridistas in the house is that La Liga Loca feels in its waters that an almighty, undignified scrap for supremacy is just getting underway.

The good news for everyone else is that it should be a big bag of fun to watch.

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