The best quotes of 2009


“What! Do you want to die?! I’m a professional! Respect my work! Show me respect!” - Carlos Kameni, perhaps the biggest, hardest person La Liga Loca has ever come to face-to-face with, scares a critical Espanyol fan into 2016 during a training ground rumble.

“It’s an absurd thought” - Pep Guardiola has early doubts over the crazy notion that his Barcelona side might win blooming everything in 2009.

“Nanín is neither a friend of mine, nor in my circle of trust” - He may have been personally thanked by Ramón Calderón for his role in the 2006 presidential election victory, had an office near him, travelled on away trips with him, and gone out with his daughter, but the disgraced big cheese barely knew the scapegoat-shaped victim of the vote-rigging scandal at Real Madrid’s AGM.

“I also went to the Real Madrid Assembly!” - a banner spotted in the Camp Nou in response to the revelation that an Atlético Madrid season ticket holder was just one of the many infiltrators who somehow got into the event to support the then president Ramón Calderón.

“Kaká to Real Madrid? Never!” - Silvio Berlusconi gives the Italian press his second most memorable quote of the year after December’s “what do you mean, ‘duck!’?”


“I’ve never seen a West Ham game in my life and I expect to snuff it without ever having experienced this sensation” - Marca’s Miguel Serrano is less than impressed by Real Madrid’s loan signing of the bench-napping Julien Faubert.

“Neither I nor anyone else is planning the sacking of Javier Aguirre” - Atlético Madrid president Enrique Cerezo, a man whose word can be trusted as far as Maniche can be carried, speaks out just two days before firing the first of his club’s three managers of 2009 (see also October).

“I called Telefonica and they said they would come to my house in two days and they turned up five weeks later” - It’s not just Getafe fans who can’t bothered supporting their players, as former midfielder Eugen Polanski discovers.


“I don’t think they want to sell Martin Villa” - Ramón Calderón’s presidential replacement Vicente Boluda reveals why negotiations with Valencia for the Spanish international may have hit an early snag.

“It was a final and we lost it. But there are 12 more” - Osasuna manager José Antonio Camacho, still struggling with the different concepts of ‘match’ and ‘final’.

“We don’t understand why he has thrown this crap at us” - Carlos Marchena shows that there’s still no ‘I’ in ‘team’ after Valencia’s sporting director of the week tells the press that the players simply aren’t trying.

“We reckon they don’t eat pork. We’ll sort them out with some chickens” - Culturally sensitive Osasuna fan Luis Miguel Arraztoa is told that Iranian players Javad Nekounam and Masoud Shojaei may find his generous gift of live piglets to slaughter less useful than their team-mates.

“I took this decision for the sake of the club’s image” - Joaquín Bilbao, La Liga Loca’s 2009 Man of the Year and former Xerez president, steps down after a big night out involving a whorehouse, a black eye, a fight with a Russian bouncer, a drive-by shooting against a door and a night in the police cells.


“We have a cordial relationship” - Juande Ramos was just the latest in a long line of Madrid managers feeling the love with the club’s model professional, Guti.

“I called the Emir to congratulate him on the purchase of the club, but he knew nothing about it" - Confidante Rashidi Omrani reveals the that man who Betis’ website claimed would be buying the institution, Sheikh Humaid bin Rashid al-Nuaimi, had been carelessly left out of the loop.

“The other day, Alexandre Song of Arsenal told me that we were the only league you watch in bed when you go to sleep” - Pierre Webo identifies la Liga’s target audience for their eternally-popular 10pm kick-off times.

“I couldn’t believe it! It was a match where you think ‘ah sh*t, we’re going to lose this’” - An uncharacteristically animated Klaas-Jan Huntelaar shares his feelings with La Liga Loca after Madrid’s insanely dramatic late win over Getafe.

“I hoped it would be higher up and a bit more central” - Getafe midfielder Javi Casquero admits that his pathetic penalty taken minutes after being booted up the arse by Pepe failed to meet his expectations.

“The other day, I was watching Pop Idol and I got really emotional when the contestants saw their families. I’m a cry-baby” - Miguel Angel Lotina adds ‘being a big girl’s blouse’ to the long list of characteristics for the Deportivo boss.


“I’m no longer thinking about Real Madrid. That dream is dead” - Cristiano Ronaldo, somewhat economical with the truth.

“He calls me about four or five times a day” - David Villa tries - and fails - to introduce the concept of humour to the Spanish football press during Florentino Pérez’ return to the footballing limelight.

“His model is to pay 10 times more for a player who is six years older” - Real Madrid presidential pre-candidate Eugenio Martínez Bravo claims that Kaká was offered to his club in 2003 for €6 million. He also fails to mention that Florentino’s model includes mistaking Tomas Gravesen for Lee Carsley.

“A footballer with a briefcase full of money runs slower” - Getafe coach Michel isn’t speculating on the issues involved with Cristiano Ronaldo’s move to Madrid but the notion that ‘incentives’ are paid to players by opposing teams at the end of every Spanish season.

e“I went to a neurologist, a cardiologist, a dentist and a nutritionist. I’ve lost weight and I’m back exercising” - Former Atlético Madrid boss Javier Aguirre discovers the numerous joys of being sacked by the Vicente Calderón club.


“I’m leaving with a dagger in my heart” - And all Vicente Soriano wanted was a gold watch and a handshake after stepping down as Valencia president at the end of last season.

“I will take the team to the Europa League, the Champions League and we will go once again to Madrid... that’s what Manuel Ruíz de Lopera is working for!” - Betis fans have nothing to fear despite being relegated from la Primera according to majority shareholder and the third-person-talking Darth de Lopera.

“The most scandalous signing in the history of football” “The signing of the century!” - A wholly unexpected difference in opinion between Sport and Marca over the signing of Cristiano Ronaldo.


“When I woke up, I said ‘I’ve got to return to Spain for training tomorrow’” - Despite Mariano Pernía suffering a fractured spine, a broken collarbone, a tear to his left lung and a three-day coma after a car accident in Argentina, the Atlético Madrid full-back would still have been better than the gaggle of hoofing eejits who took his place in the side over the next five months.

“We were predestined to find each other” - Burger King suit Elías Díaz Sesé gets a tad carried away over his company’s sponsorship deal with Getafe.

“It was a sign that I had respected the Lord” - Whilst the groin-strained Kaká currently has problems spreading his legs, his wife Caroline Celico had no trouble managing the opposite with her claim that she was rewarded for saving her cherry until her wedding night with her hubby’s move to Madrid.

“Has no-one told him we had loads of games last season without even seeing the goal?” - Valladolid manager Jose Luís Mendilibar has some doubts over whether his new striker Manucho will keep his 40-goals-a-season promise.

“I raised my hands to surrender, but Carleto shot me twice” - The famous Valencia team spirit is alive and well with Rubén Baraja’s fond memories of an inter-squad paintball contest.


“We are alone in the universe” - Atlético Madrid president Enrique Cerezo confesses that there’s no sign of intelligent life away from the Vicente Calderón either.

“If there was a transfer list then Robben would not be on it” – The confident claim from Manuel Pellegrini shortly before his bosses revealed both that there was and that the Dutchman was very much on it.

“It’s true that some of our campaigns have not gone down too well with some people” - Getafe president Angel Torres after the launch of his club’s advertising spot which have previously featured eggs, dwarves, transvestites and even Moses.

“I don’t know” - Pep Guardiola’s response to American journalists on Barça’s pre-season tour when asked what he will do to improve the side in the season to come.


“I would love it if they played like Brazil in 1970, but there is an order of priorities. First results, then good football” - Athletic Bilbao president Fernando García Macua happily admits that his Basque side are as attractive as Florentino Pérez chewing lipstick.

“We’ve played teams with good forwards and good goalkeepers” - Bottom-of-the-table Xerez boss Cuco Ziganda on the tiny flaw in his club’s survival plans after the loss of their opening two games.

“It’s a very important result, but it doesn’t mean anything” - Espanyol manager Pochettino caught in two minds after a 3-2 win over Deportivo.

“We have protected and defended them” - Four Barcelona VPs were lucky to have been secretly spied on in a ‘security audit’ says club CEO Joan Oliver.


“The person who hired me is famous and personally knows the player” - Spanish witch El Brujo adds Raúl to the suspect list after he admits that he was hired to cause a career-ending injury to Cristiano Ronaldo.

“This is a sign of the club. They destroy presidents, directors, coaches and players” - Former Real Madrid big cheese Ramón Calderón knows all too well how things run at Castle Greyskull, having personally sacked two title-winning managers and caused David Beckham’s Bernabeu departure.

“I’m not stupid” - The managerial worm turned at Valladolid with coach José Luis Mendilibar responding to observations from local hacks that his side’s defence was none too strong.

“It would be crazy to think about changing coach” - Crazy is as crazy does, with Atlético president Enrique Cerezo firing Abel Resino (coach number two) just two days after this irate outburst.

“I’ve gone from watching videos of our rivals to SpongeBob SquarePants” - Still without a return date, Real Madrid midfielder Rubén de la Red reveals that his heart problem (and fatherhood) has led to a lifestyle change.

“I’m fit to play” - Guti’s famous declaration, followed just 20 minutes later by one from his boss claiming he was injured.


“He made us eat a lot of fish” - Sevilla midfielder Didier Zokora recalls the ‘finny business’ endured at Spurs under the reign of Juande Ramos.

“The problem with Riki is that he doesn’t know how to fall over” - Deportivo boss Miguel Angel Lotina says some things can’t be taught after his stumbling striker was booked in successive games for diving.

“If he doesn’t play, then he’s at home crying” - Lady Gago’s agent Marcelo Lombilla reveals that not only can his client not pass, shoot nor tackle, but that he’s an enormous pinny-wearing ponce to boot.


“Shut it!” - Andrés Iniesta’s all-round genius rating goes up a notch with his response to Cristiano Ronaldo’s diving taunt during el Clásico.

“When they sacked Abel Resino, I was the happiest man in the world” - Atlético Madrid’s whingeing winger José Antonio Reyes reveals why he’s always the manager’s favourite at every club he plays for.

“When you see Raúl warming up, it’s not the same as seeing Drenthe” - Bernd Schuster feels that some players are more equal than others in the Real Madrid substitute pecking order.

“You’re pretty rude for someone who’s 10” - Iker Casillas is drawn into a slanging match with a preteen potty-mouth in Mestalla during Madrid’s Valencia clash.

“Sometimes I look slow. Maybe it’s because of my long legs” - Or maybe Real Madrid defender Ezequiel Garay looks slow because he is slow.

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