BotN: Carroll now photosynthesising, proud West Ham report

The Geordie striker has already blossomed at West Ham. Back of the Net's Paul Watson explains why...

West Ham have unexpectedly revealed that Andy Carroll’s excellent debut against Fulham can be largely attributed to his newfound ability to produce energy from light using chlorophylls embedded in the giant forward’s plasma membrane.

Carroll came under fire last season for failing to meet Liverpool’s expectations following a £35 million move from Newcastle, but the 23-year-old is looking to turn over a new leaf after agreeing a loan switch to West Ham.

He made an ideal start to life at his new club, turning in a masterful performance to set up two goals in a 3-0 victory over Fulham, showing the kind of relentless energy that had so often been missing last season.

There had been suggestions that the change of scenery and a strict pre-season diet were responsible for Carroll’s dream Hammers debut, but his new boss has explained that the England striker is in fact benefitting from increased glucose production within his plastid leaf cells.

Carroll is set to spend the winter months in Kevin Nolan's airing cupboard

“Andy went away and worked very hard over the summer and he can now convert carbon dioxide and water into glucose and oxygen using a double displacement chemical reaction, namely 6H2O + 6CO2 = C6H1206 + 6O2,” Hammers boss Sam Allardyce told FourFourTwo.com.

“The lad is making exceptional use of his chloroplasts and it’s a real joy to watch him on this form.

“Naturally, Andy may find life a little harder later in the season when there is less sunlight and will be almost entirely useless for evening kick-offs where the best we can hope for is propping him up directly under a floodlight to prevent him wilting and yellowing, but he spent much of last year doing the same for Liverpool and still managed an occasional goal.”

Fulham captain Brede Hangeland was effusive in his praise for Carroll, who he felt will be hard to stop.

“We just didn’t have an answer for Andy today,” the Norwegian defender admitted.

“Obviously you try to cut off his magnesium supply as much as you can and drain the immediate area of accessible nitrates, but he just had too much for us. Once his electron transport chain is in full flow it’s just so hard to stop.”

Editor's note: this isn't a serious accusation and all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

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