Cristiano caught in big tug of love which Real Madrid rail against Ronaldo representing his country, while Barcelona rail against any of their players doing likewise...

The beginning of another week in la Liga sees pretty much everyone in a whining mood, possibly because wintry weather has finally arrived in Spain and the country is now rapidly running out of bank holidays with the one month Christmas-New Year-Reyes shutdown still a cavernous six weeks away.

Over in Barcelona the dreaded ‘FIFA Virus’ is the source of a great deal of grumbling and rumbling.

The Catalan press loves a good old boast and brag about the wealth of international talent lodged at the Camp Nou, as long as this wealth of international talent doesn’t actually play international football.

And that’s why the World Cup-missing, mad-for-meatballs Zlatan "Anyone doing anything over the summer?" Ibrahimovic is doubly popular at Barça these days.

Sport has taken great exception to "the virus which has no cure" and complains that the upcoming international break is upsetting Pep Guardiola’s preparations ahead of Tuesday’s tough-sounding Copa del Rey clash against the might of Cultural Leonesa - the half of the football club that regularly attends the opera and opines on the critical worth of Bansky, perhaps.

Meanwhile, an immensely grumpy, frumpy Thierry Henry has taken the local press to task and rages against people pointing out that his goalscoring rate has been less than sizzling of late.

“I’ve read that it’s been six months since I scored,” complained the Frenchman after the Mallorca match.

“I don’t know if it is possible to score goals when you’re on holiday or injured. It’s incredible!” Zut Alor-ed the Barcelona striker.

The Madridista press are even angrier than their counterparts in the Catalan capital, due to the decision of Carlos Queiroz to call up the crocked Cristiano Ronaldo for Portugal's World Cup play-off encounters against Bosnia.

Monday’s AS reported that Real Madrid will look at taking legal action against the country’s FA if one slicked-back hair on Cristiano’s overly-shiny bonce is hurt whilst in the care of the Portuguese authorities.

The paper has also dug out every mean and nasty thing that the former Madrid manager has said about the club since his spell on the Bernabeu bench in the 2003/2004 campaign.

AS argue that Queiroz’s somewhat polemical decision is linked to the enormous animosity he supposedly feels against Florentino Pérez from that less-than-successful period.

Marca advise that the club will be tying their player to the radiator with handcuffs - he always carries a pair around with him, apparently, just in case - to stop him popping over to Portugal and will instead send to Lisbon a wad of medical notes.

“His health is at stake,” wails Tuesday’s editorial. 

The other small matter at hand in the Spanish capital is Real's Copa del Rey second leg tie against Alcorcón, with the plucky Bernabeu club looking to overturn a 4-0 deficit at Castle Greyskull.

And they will be launching yet another ‘Spirit of Juanito’ comeback without waddling wally Guti, who has been left out of the squad for the fourth successive game.

However, it is not as a punishment, says a cryptic Manuel Pellegrini, who claims that his mind-addled midfielder will return “when the technical team consider he is ready and when the player wants to be called up.”

La Liga Loca's Twitter service will be back at the Bernabeu from 19.45 CET, to see if Real Madrid’s side of ragtag hoofers such as Kaká can pull off something with such ferocity it would make Ever Banega wince for a week.

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