ItâÂÂs the penultimate weekend and sneaky plum time if youâÂÂre in the bottom three, but the Premier League plays second fiddle to the FA Cup Final this weekend â or at least it should doâ¦
But who gives a toss about the self-proclaimed greatest tournament ever invented, eh? ItâÂÂs all about the Premier League as far as this blog is (contractually) concerned â itâÂÂs like one of Richard Keys' dreams, apart from thereâÂÂs no sign of female officials being eaten by fire-breathing lions as Keith Houchen stands by, watching the melee while singing the theme from M*A*S*H.
SATURDAY
Blackburn v Manchester United (12.45pm, Sky Sports 2 & HD2, 5 Live Radio)
ItâÂÂs only right that Manchester United should be crowned champions for a record-breaking 19th time at, uh, Ewood Park. But the fans wonâÂÂt care where they start the party.
While itâÂÂs been an excellent season for the Red Devils - one that can only be topped by winning the Champions League at Wembley - Roversâ owners must be seriously regretting letting go of Sam Allardyce. That is, if they even remember doing so.
Blackburn may only be two places lower now than they were at the time, but their three-point advantage over dropzone dwellers Blackpool and Wigan could be eliminated after this match. With the honeymoon period curtailed to a wet and windy weekend in Cleethorpes, Steve Kean may be wondering what heâÂÂs let himself in for.
TheyâÂÂll welcome back the talismanic David Dunn, the only Englishman to score for Rovers this season, but a second win in 14 games looks beyond them here.
What wonâÂÂt happen: Steve Kean to inherit FergieâÂÂs job, not that heâÂÂll ever retire while he lives and breathes anyway
What will happen: United comfortably wrap up three points and the title
Blackpool v Bolton (12.45pm, 5 Live Sports Extra)
Given their current form, this blogger wonders if itâÂÂs possible for both teams to lose somehow.
Bolton would be the likelier candidates, having lost their previous five away matches (theyâÂÂre second from bottom in the away games table) and being injury-depleted to the point of them playing Johan âÂÂstriker and husband of Amandaâ Elmander in midfield.
The Tangerines, though, are second-bottom of the form league and third-bottom of the league that matters (and no, thatâÂÂs not the fair play table).
This has a draw written all over it in poo-coloured felt tip pen.
What wonâÂÂt happen: Coyle finally succumbs to his waking dreams and, shorts at the ready, brings himself on as a second-half sub to score the winning goal
What will happen: A pooey point apiece
Who likes short shorts? Owen Coyle - we keep telling you this...
Sunderland v Wolves (12.45pm, Absolute Radio)
You canâÂÂt spell football without 0-0, unfortunately, and that result looks as likely here as people saying âÂÂBut zeroes arenâÂÂt the same as Os.âÂÂ
Technically, of course, you canâÂÂt spell football without 1-1 either, if you take the lower case âÂÂlâÂÂs as ones.
There was a point here, originally.
A goalless draw looks very much on the cards, as Sunderland arenâÂÂt the best at home (one win since New YearâÂÂs Day) and Wolves are pretty inept away, taking just nine points on the road. Not so much dangerous predators, then, as pretty massive roadkill.
What wonâÂÂt happen: Sunderland to experiment with Craig LeveinâÂÂs legendary 4-6-0 formation in the absence of any fit strikers
What will happen: A useful point for Wolves ahead of their showdown with Blackburn next week
West Brom v Everton (12.45pm)
Hey kids, can you say âÂÂnothing fixtureâÂÂ?
This blog doesnâÂÂt want to demean games that could still be very interesting, but itâÂÂs safe to say thereâÂÂs little riding on this one.
Everton will stay seventh with a win, a loss or a draw and West Brom are mathematically safe. They could climb into the top half with an 18-0 win, but even taking a 3-0 lead would be enough to give Roy Hodgson a heart attack.
For preventing, or at least delaying, West BromâÂÂs boing-boingness, Woy deserves the credit he was never going to get at Liverpool whatever his results there. We probably wonâÂÂt be seeing any animated GIFs of his relative success at the Hawthorns though.
What wonâÂÂt happen: Everton could go sixth with two wins if Spurs take just one point from their last two matches (very possible at Anfield and against a battling Birmingham), but...
What will happen: ...theyâÂÂll slip up here. Draw. Actually, weâÂÂve been told we predict too many draws, so sod it, away win.
SUNDAY
Chelsea v Newcastle (1.30pm, Sky Sports 1 & HD1, TalkSPORT Radio)
ItâÂÂs not quite the title race broadcasters were hoping for at this juncture, but this is still an intriguing tussle, not least as we could get a glimpse of NewcastleâÂÂs new kit in action.
Sadly, weâÂÂre likely to have to wait at least another week to see it, but if any of their multitude of injured players turn up wearing a T-shirt with a waistcoat and tie motif, supporters should get the gist.
What wonâÂÂt happen: Chelsea, the only team in the league with no major injury worries, generously lend knack-wracked Newcastle a few squad players
What will happen: Home win
Arsenal v Aston Villa (4pm, Sky Sports 1 & HD1)
The Gunnersâ decline this season has been well documented, and 10 points from 27 since the Carling Cup Final tells a tale.
But if they finish strongly with two heavy wins against Villa and Fulham, and Chelsea slip up in their tricky final fixture away at Everton, they could return to second in the table, which would at least be a small fillip. More like a Phil, perhaps.
TheyâÂÂll be without âÂÂ80s Euro synthpop duo Fabregas and Nasri, but should have enough to see off a Villa side who have already reached safety. Expect Darren Bent to score, though â heâÂÂs fairly good at it.
What wonâÂÂt happen: Houllier to see out the whole of next season; itâÂÂs just a hunch, but with his very sad health problems, he may be forced to retire sooner rather than later
What will happen: 2-1, with Walcott, Bendtner and Bent all on the scoresheet. Well, we might as well try to be specific
Wow, âÂÂ80s Euro synthpop duo Fabregas and Nasri have got the moves...
Birmingham v Fulham (4pm)
Fulham have had an excellent latter half of the season, surging into the top half with a series of good results. A round of applause, please. Actually, wait, we forgot about the Michael Jackson statue â cancel that applause. Fetch the shotguns.
Brum should be safe by now but have fallen into what could be interpreted as a âÂÂEurope next year, probably safe already this yearâ malaise. Taking just one point from their last four matches is testament to that, and explains why theyâÂÂre only three points from being in the Championship.
TheyâÂÂre a wee bit short, too, with Martins, McFadden, Taylor and Dann all injured and Ridgewell and Gardner serving suspensions. Tut tut.
Luckily theyâÂÂre playing a team that, for all their recovery, still doesnâÂÂt believe in winning away. In the last six seasons, Fulham have won just 11 matches on the road â as many as Manchester United recorded all last season.
What wonâÂÂt happen: A thumping away win, despite Fulham domination
What will happen: Birmingham crawl closer to certified safety in the manner of a blind squirrel with a limp
Liverpool v Spurs (4pm, 5 Live Sports Extra)
Oh, itâÂÂs the big one: the battle for fifth! With a shot at Champions League participation now mathematically beyond both teams, Spurs and Liverpool fight it out for the booby prize of the Europa League: itâÂÂs a straight toe-to-toe between two teams who donâÂÂt really want to be in it. And itâÂÂs all live on TV!
Uh, what? ItâÂÂs not? Oh, of course, thereâÂÂs a dead rubber between alphabetical friends Arsenal and Aston Villa to televise and show to the masses. Obviously that takes precedent.
Martin Kelly should return for Liverpool, while Tottenham have the longest injury list in the league: Bale, Huddlestone, Hutton, Assou-Ekotto, Woodgate, King,
Khumalo and now Palacios will all miss out. Jermaine Jenas may come back into the team, like silver lining a polished turd.
What wonâÂÂt happen: An away win for Spurs: Dalglish has made Anfield a fortress, his team taking 20 points from a possible 24 since he arrived
What will happen: Liverpool win and Tottenham remain on just one victory since their 1-0 win over Milan at the San Siro in February.
Wigan v West Ham (4pm)
This is the last-chance saloon for West Ham, and what an opportunity: travelling to the team one place and three points above them in the league. If they donâÂÂt win this, theyâÂÂre down â itâÂÂs as simple as that.
A bit of a bugger for them, then, that Little Scotty Parker is out injured with Kryptonite Thigh. Stanislas, Noble, OâÂÂNeil and â snigger â Kieron Dyer will all be watching from the sidelines. Actually, Dyer might have a nap.
Looking at their remaining fixtures, here at home to West Ham then away at a relaxed Stoke City, the Latics should be safe. But Wigan still look as comfortable in charge of their own destiny as a man holding a piss-filled nuclear warhead.
What wonâÂÂt happen: A working piss-filled nuclear warhead, admittedly
What will happen: A heroic away win delays the inevitable for GrantâÂÂs grafters
