The Comet-Burning, Back Page-Exploding Premier Previews

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So, John Terry is no longer captain of his country, England will face Wales in the 2012 Euro qualifiers and Paul Gascoigne's been arrested in a Yorkshire takeaway for drink-driving (presumably not actually in the takeaway).

But you don't care about that â you want to know team news ahead of Fulham's clash with Burnley at Craven Cottage, don't you?

Then today's your lucky day!

Stephen Jordan returns for Burnley while the Cottagers welcome back Bobby Zamora and Simon Davies, who continues his impression of Halley's Comet by briefly burning brightly before falling apart at the seams again.

What won't happen: Simon Davies to last 90 minutes â even his missus says he can't, arf arf.

Bad news for Bolton as talisman, defender and top scorer in all competitions Gary Cahill has developed a blood clot in his arm. ThatâÂÂs a nasty one â he'll do well to feature again this season.

And you'd be a brave man to bet on them taking anything from this game, even if Mancini's Man City did go down to Hell. Sorry, Hull. Typo.

What won't happen: Wayne Bridge to get some respite from the taunting fans.

What will happen: Patrick Vieira and Adam Johnson to both start after impressing in the Tigers' den, and the experienced midfielder helps the young lad with an inspirational speech beginning: "Of course, I remember when it was all fields..." Home win.

Sunderland's last 11 away games: won 0, drawn 2, lost 9.

Portsmouth's last three matches: own goals 3, actual goals 0.

What won't happen: Avram Grant, Steve Bruce and the FA hastily agree a 'Whoever loses wins' to give their hapless heroes a chance, and both teams set about trying to smash the ball into their own net.

An expect 0-0 turned into a 3-0 stroll for Tony Pulis and his side in the Welshman's 300th match in charge.

The problem for the Potters is that they're not at the Britannia Stadium this time, and bless 'em, they get a bit homesick.

What won't happen: Wigan fans fully respect Ricardo Fuller's privacy after his arrest on suspicion of assault, and remain totally silent towards him throughout the game.

Still, haven't Arsenal responded well to being pitted back-to-back against their closest rivals, folding completely to both of them?

This on the back of a frustrating draw with Aston Villa and an FA Cup defeat to Stoke. It's a crying shame is what it is. A bloody crying shame.

What won't happen: A truer word to be said than this statement from Michael Ballack: "Wenger always says things like this ["We didn't get a demonstration of football"] when he loses to find an excuse."

What will happen: Score draw and Wenger complains about the lack of flair in Dirk Kuyt's hair. "Did you see us play?" he asks. "We're so pretty. Oh so pretty. Doo doo-doo-doo."

The little-known husband of ex-Spice Girl Emma Bunton has now pledged that if he scores for Milan against his old club (probably not a worry, to be honest) he wonâÂÂt celebrate out of respect for the fans.

This is the kind of thing you usually see happening in the spur of the moment. Becks scores, Becks doesnâÂÂt celebrate, Becks is praised.

Once you start announcing your celebration, or lack thereof, before youâÂÂve even scored youâÂÂre slightly setting yourself up for a fall.

What next? Robbie Keane holding a press conference at Celtic Park stating: âÂÂIâÂÂm thinking a double back flip followed by shooting into the crowd. Any questions?âÂÂ

What wonâÂÂt happen: Beckham to celebrate against United if he does score. He may be a publicity-seeking arse, but heâÂÂs also noble. HeâÂÂll probably get another tattoo though â thereâÂÂs allegedly still a bit of flesh-coloured skin on his torso.

No out-and-out relegation battles this week, but this match develops a similar sense of tragic futility with the news that John Steven Taylor, a travelling supporter in Blackburn's visit to Stoke, died in hospital after sustaining a head injury at the game.

This blogger just hopes the minute's applause, if it takes place, is well respected.

That it has to be a minute's applause rather than a minute's silence in order to drown out the boos of impatient 'fans' is disgraceful, and almost as much of a tragedy as the reason for it taking place.

What won't happen: Sorry, serious stuff over. What won't happen? Oh, some joke about Big Sam going on a diet or something.

What will happen: Christopher Samba's absence after a second sending off in four games makes for a surprisingly entertaining game of football. Draw

The Toffeesâ impressive run of nine league games unbeaten came to an end as Liverpool did The Mersey Double (itâÂÂs a regional dance).

LetâÂÂs just hope the television cameras wonâÂÂt zoom in on John Terry after ANY GOAL, even if he was on the half-way line picking his arse at the time.

What wonâÂÂt happen: Home win.

Talented 18-year-old Frank Nouble has joined West Brom on a month's loan, which makes sense when you consider new arrivals have made him West Ham's sixth-choice striker (he'd have been seventh if Nathan Hines wasn't out for the season).

Even Zola's gearing up for a run.

Fat he may still be, but a troublemaker? Surely you have to have at least a smidgeon of respect for anyone who accepts a 98 percent pay cut to join a club where he's been expressly told there are at least four strikers ahead of him.

Having decided the Premier League's so awfully tough, the Brazilian is hoping for a four-year contract at loan club Santos, who play at a standard so competitive he was able to backheel a goal on debut.

What won't happen: Robinho to say, "You know what? I should fight for my place," and return to Eastlands grovelling.

Since this is turning into the world's most specific prediction, let's go with West Ham 1, Birmingham 2 (Mido 89; Bowyer 42, Phillips 90+1).

Colour of Robert Green's underwear: navy blue.

Since losing 1-0 to Mick McCarthy's outfit in December, Spurs have dropped more points in frustrating 0-0 draws with Hull (30 shots fired) and Aston Villa (33).

What won't happen: John Motson to sit through a fifth consecutive goalless draw. Still, it's best if possible to avoid any game in which he's commentating, obvious reasons aside.

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Huw Davies

Huw was on the FourFourTwo staff from 2009 to 2015, ultimately as the magazine's Managing Editor, before becoming a freelancer and moving to Wales. As a writer, editor and tragic statto, he still contributes regularly to FFT in print and online, though as a match-going #WalesAway fan, he left a small chunk of his brain on one of many bus journeys across France in 2016.