Impossible to tell whether London Stadium is empty or full, West Ham officials admit
The London Stadium was christened with a 1-0 win for West Ham in front of a club record gate of 56,977, but many spectators struggled to leave the cavernous ground and were still trying to locate exits hours after the final whistle.
Officials have stressed that they are doing their best to ensure that the London Stadium is empty, but they have no way of being certain.
“We’d encourage any fans left in the vast, desolate expanses of the London Stadium to make themselves known to stewards in any way they can,” a West Ham spokesman told FFT.
“Maybe they could blow some bubbles. That’ll allow us to locate them, although, that said, the bubbles do tend to fade and die before reaching the sky, which may be an issue for aerial surveillance teams.
“Perhaps they could let off flares or spell SOS with discarded boxes of £7.50 sausage and chips instead?”
FourFourTwo has sent an investigative reporter to the London Stadium and he has located a community of lost West Ham fans, subsisting on individual chips and shredded programme notes.
“I’ve been shouting as loud as I can, but nobody outside of a radius of a metre squared can hear me,” a fan told FFT.
“We’ve walked around and around in search of an exit but everything looks exactly the same. The only other people we’ve seen since Sunday afternoon are some poor souls still waiting for the 2012 Olympics 800m final.”
Please note: This satirical news story is not real. But you already knew that, obviously.