Mourinho unsure which of his 8,211 enemies might have leaked tax details

Jose Mourinho has been going through his little black notebook to establish which one of his eight thousand enemies somehow got access to his tax arrangements.

Mourinho is accused of using an elaborate system of offshore companies to minimise his tax bill, in the same way as he uses an elaborate system of looking smokily into journalists’ eyes to minimise criticism. 

The Manchester United manager said: “Everything points to Rafa Benitez, but it might have been Cesc Fabregas, or Andre Villas-Boas, or that Swedish referee from 2005. Whoever did it could have had help from Bastian Schweinsteiger. And I know Pep Guardiola is involved. But how?

“This is like an Agatha Christie novel, except all the baddies are associated in some way with Barcelona. Probably.”

Who could it be?

A Manchester United source said: “Like all successful people, Jose’s had a leatherbound ‘enemies book’ ever since he was a child, organised alphabetically and colour-coded depending on the degree to which they have wronged him.

“Initially it was mostly teachers, then girls who wouldn’t go out with him, then anyone who played well against a team Jose managed.

“He’s also listed several journalists who didn’t fall for his continental allure, and the entire Chelsea squad from 2014/15. And Coolio, who was added to the list in 2002 after El Cool Magnifico, removed from it in 2006 with Return of the Gangsta, and re-added in 2008 after Steal Hear.

“Nobody’s allowed to see the book, or they go in it too, but earlier today I saw him writing Mark Carney’s name underneath Diego Costa, Eva Carneiro and Iker Casillas. And Coolio, of course.”

After fielding further questions from reporters about his tax arrangements, Mourinho confirmed that his enemies list was now up to 9,047.

Please note: This satirical news story is not real. Obviously. 

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