Desperate times, as they say, call for desperate measures. Unless, of course, youâÂÂre Arsene Wenger, in which case desperate times call for a whole bucket-load of whinging.
This week Professor Yaffle has claimed that opposition players were intentionally trying to injure his precious stars, that his team are being treated unfairly by referees and that the world was flat.
Wenger presumably âÂÂdidnâÂÂt seeâ Robin van Persie playing bumper cars with Tomas Sorensen in the six yard box at the Britannia on Saturday, or indeed any of the other 70-odd red cards dished out to Arsenal players since he arrived at the club 11 years ago.
The Gunners werenâÂÂt bullied as easily when Patrick Vieira and Tony Adams were there to kick lumps out of people, or when Dennis Bergkamp was ready to elbow someoneâÂÂs head off.
"I don't care what Columbus says, it's bloody flat!"
The fact is, Wenger has put together a side without any steel, and thatâÂÂs nobodyâÂÂs fault but his own.
As commendable as it is that his side try and play engaging, flowing football (for the most part, at least), itâÂÂs utterly ridiculous that Wenger almost seems to expect English football to change to accommodate it, not least because Arsenal are a club that have so profitably exploited the physical boundaries of the game in the not too distant past.
ItâÂÂs ironic that WengerâÂÂs comments should come in the run up to a fixture that has traditionally been one of the hardest fought in the Premier League, against Manchester United.
Or is it?
What seems a more plausible explanation for this rant is pre-match mind games. Perhaps the Frenchman was trying to put a nagging element of doubt into the mind of Howard Webb, whoâÂÂll referee SaturdayâÂÂs clash, in the hope of getting a little extra protection for his young side.
Badge kissing
Usually Fergie would reply in kind, doubtless telling anyone whoâÂÂll listen that referees, the press and the Gestapo were out to get Wayne Rooney; but at the moment the United boss is rather quiet.
ThatâÂÂs because Sir Alex has added Sky to the list of media outlets he wonâÂÂt be speaking to, having at one stage or another, previously fallen out with the BBC and the clubâÂÂs own in-house television network.
The reason for this vow of silence is that mumbling former Arsenal midfielder Paul Merson claimed Wayne Rooney should have been sent off against Hull, just a week after Phil Thompson said Rooney should have walked for his badge kissing antics at Everton.
Quite how long this self-imposed media semi-blackout is going to last hasnâÂÂt been made clear, but you can be as sure as FergieâÂÂs nose is red that heâÂÂll be back on our screens should a major decision not go his teamâÂÂs way at the Emirates.
There was a time when this fixture was the biggest of the Premier League season, but alas, no more. Despite Nicklas BendtnerâÂÂs claims to the contrary, Arsenal have no chance of winning the league this season.
Yes, United, Chelsea and Liverpool have all dropped points so far this term, but none of them have looked quite so fragile, quite as often as ArseneâÂÂs boys.
Thommo: Should have kept his nose out of it...
Although, logically, itâÂÂs better for a title-chasing side to drop points against teams at the bottom of the table than ones at the top (i.e. âÂÂsix pointersâÂÂ) the rate at which Arsenal have been losing matches has been alarming.
While United, Chelsea and Liverpool have lost three matches between them, Arsenal have lost that number on their own. The Gunners have also lost matches periodically every few weeks, rather than having a bad spell and then looking devastating for months at a time.
The silver lining for the Emirates side is that nobody in the chasing pack currently looks capable of putting together a decent enough challenge to oust them from their top four spot.
Villa seem a tad inconsistent, Portsmouth look in utter turmoil since Harry Redknapp jumped ship, Manchester City are struggling to pick up points away from home and Spurs⦠well, the less said about their start the better.
Selection headache
The only side that currently look like troubling them are, amazingly, Hull City, who of course won at the Emirates earlier in the season and could leapfrog the Gunners should results go their way on Saturday.
However, even the mighty Tigers are unlikely to be able to keep up such momentum over the course of a further 27 matches, so the likelihood is that Arsenal will be able to claim fourth relatively simply if they can make even the slightest improvement in their form.
Having looked increasingly shaky at the back in recent weeks, Arsenal go into SaturdayâÂÂs clash without Emmanuel Adebayor, Eduardo (both injured) and Robin van Persie (petulance), and also have injury doubts over Theo Walcott, so they may well find the going hard at the other end too.
United are having some selection headaches of their own at the moment, although of a totally different type. Carlos Tevez is supposedly unhappy at being used more sparringly this season, having seen his first team outings curtailed since the arrival of Dimitar Berbatov at Old Trafford in August.
One man who will be involved is newly crowned FourFourTwo Best Player in the World, Cristiano Ronaldo, who is insisted his side will go for the jugular and aim for three points from Saturday's showdown.
"Watch for sale, one previous owner, some French bloke..."
Regardless of the differences in the two club's current mood and availble resources, this will still be a very, very tight game and perhaps not the best spectacle.
A low scoring draw is probably the most likely outcome and one that both teams would be relatively happy with, although donâÂÂt expect either of them to admit it.
FourFourTwo.com Premier League Predictions
Saturday, 8 November 2008
Arsenal 1-1 Man Utd
Hull 1-1 Bolton
Liverpool 2-0 West Brom (Live on Setanta Sports 1, 5:30pm)
Sunderland 2-1 Portsmouth
West Ham 1-2 Everton
Wigan 1-1 Stoke
Sunday, 9 November 2008
Aston Villa 2-0 Middlesbrough
Blackburn 1-2 Chelsea
Fulham 1-1 Newcastle
Man City 2-1 Tottenham
Make your own predictions with Footy15 and win ã100,000
Footy15 Pundit Predictions:
Alan Hansen
Arsenal v Man Utd - DRAW
Aston Villa v Middlesbrough - DRAW
Blackburn v Chelsea - AWAY WIN
Fulham v Newcastle - HOME WIN
Hull v Bolton - DRAW
Liverpool v West Brom - HOME WIN
Man City v Tottenham - HOME WIN
Sunderland v Portsmouth - HOME WIN
West Ham v Everton - DRAW
Wigan v Stoke - HOME WIN
John Barnes
Arsenal v Man Utd - DRAW
Aston Villa v Middlesbrough - HOME WIN
Blackburn v Chelsea - AWAY WIN
Fulham v Newcastle - DRAW
Hull v Bolton - HOME WIN
Liverpool v West Brom - HOME WIN
Man City v Tottenham - DRAW
Sunderland v Portsmouth - DRAW
West Ham v Everton - DRAW
Wigan v Stoke - HOME WIN
Tony Cascarino
Arsenal v Man Utd - DRAW
Aston Villa v Middlesbrough - HOME WIN
Blackburn v Chelsea - AWAY WIN
Fulham v Newcastle - DRAW
Hull v Bolton - HOME WIN
Liverpool v West Brom - HOME WIN
Man City v Tottenham - HOME WIN
Sunderland v Portsmouth - HOME WIN
West Ham v Everton - AWAY WIN
Wigan v Stoke - HOME WIN
Graham Poll
Arsenal v Man Utd - AWAY WIN
Aston Villa v Middlesbrough - HOME WIN
Blackburn v Chelsea - AWAY WIN
Fulham v Newcastle - DRAW
Hull v Bolton - HOME WIN
Liverpool v West Brom - HOME WIN
Man City v Tottenham - DRAW
Sunderland v Portsmouth - HOME WIN
West Ham v Everton - DRAW
Wigan v Stoke - HOME WIN
