Ringmaster Platini’s Euro 2012 circus arrives in Kyiv

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NMTB has a litany of grievances vis-à-vis the unveiling of the official Euro 2012 logo and slogan(!) in Kyiv.

Was it absolutely necessary for that simpering moron Michel Platini to host a chimps' tea party laden with weighty formalities in sub-zero conditions solely for the purpose of unravelling a giant piece of plastic?

Does anyone really care?

NMTB just hopes the Frenchman caught a cold.

What’s next, the unveiling of the tournament’s official toilet paper?

Come on, UEFA, we’re waiting.

Amidst all the pomp and bullsh*t that goes hand-in-hand with these ceremonies, what Platini gawkily revealed in Ploshcha Mykhaylivska was a bit flowery and namby-pamby for NMTB’s liking and far too incongruous with the ultra-masculine Ukrainian and Polish psyche.

Slavic males are hardly renowned for getting in touch with their feminine sides; simply ordering a small beer is liable for social ostracism.

Regardless of its floral qualities, no doubt this horrific emblem will be promptly seized upon by the wily traders whose stalls line the winding street of Desiatynna Andriyivsky Uzviz up to Andriyivska Tserkva, and subsequently become plastered across a myriad of bootleg merchandise that is probably already being manufactured as you read this.

Whatever it appears on, NMTB just hopes that it’s of superior quality to the Andriy Shevchenko underpants it bought a couple of years ago.

Poor stitching limited them to just two days usage, much to the delight of its girlfriend who found there to be something aberrant about having the revered forward’s face on the blog’s crotch.

As they so often do, the occasion dragged on and on and on unremittingly, like a series of The X-Factor.

That’s why NMTB enjoys FA Cup draws: no fannying around, they get straight to the point.

The balls are pulled out of a hat by a couple of ex-footballers; cut to some whooping simpletons from a non-league outfit in their dressing room who have landed the plumb tie of the round; and finish.

Bang, bang, bang. Five minutes and we’re back in the studio with housewives’ favourite Gary Lineker.

Thankfully UEFA took note of big brother FIFA’s recent World Cup draw in wheeling out the svelte beauty Charlize Theron to liven up the dour event that could have been condensed into about 20 minutes, had it not been continually punctured by sneering celebrities who were shepherded out to grin and wave for a bit, before legging it with an exorbitant pay cheque.

It certainly wasn’t Platini’s idea, but NMTB commends the bloke – and let’s face it, it was a bloke – who decided to present viewers with the ocular delights of the rather lovely Ukrainian prime minister Yulia Tymoshenko to preside over the futile ceremony.

She would arouse political interest in even the most gormless twit who couldn’t find their arse with both hands.

Shame there’s no British equivalent.

For the record, the floral nonsense is based upon wycinanka, a traditional paper cutting art common to both nations, not that that excuses it any way.

It’s hardly what this landmark tournament needs to kick it off; what are they going to use for the mascot, an origami swan?

And just what function does an “official slogan” serve?

NMTB can’t recall one from any previous competitions and “Creating History Together” isn’t one that’s likely to buck the trend, no matter how much it’s rammed down our throats in the next couple of years.

The blog wants to have a quiet word with the twerps at whatever advertising agency dreamt up this disaster, although it hazards a guess that Saatchi and Saatchi probably aren’t culpable, and more than likely it’s some Ukrainian or Polish schoolkid who won a competition.

Ploshcha Mykhaylivska was an appropriately bad choice of venue for Platini and his cronies to proudly unveil this rubbish.

It’s hardly the most prominent of locations in Kyiv, but just a stone’s throw away sits the equine statue of Bogdan Khmelnytsky, the Ukrainian chappie who drove the tournament’s co-hosts Poland out of the country during the 17th-century Cossack Rebellion.

Slap bang in the centre of the capital, Maidan Nezalezhnosti, a symbol of an independent Ukraine and where in excess of one million people gathered almost exactly five years ago, would have been a far better choice.

The only offensive thing there is the Mr Snack cafe in the adjacent metro station.

And what with the resplendent statue of Beregynia, the protectress of Slavs towering over it, the green plaza where Ukraine declared its independence in 1991 would have offered something of cultural relevance to both of the co-hosts.

Although Maidan Nezalezhnosti will be utilised by the organisers in the build-up to Euro 2012.

Some cretin has opted to beam the horrific logo across a famous monument in each of the eight host cities and, in keeping in line with the train crash that was this unveiling, their choice for Kyiv is a horrible blot on the landscape scheduled for being torn down in the near future.

The monstrous Hotel Ukraine sits like some diseased concrete recumbent lion in Maidan Nezalezhnosti and is a wonderful example of the Stalinist architecture the government is looking to rid the city of.

It doesn’t bode well for a tournament already dogged by problems, so let’s hope the football’s up to scratch…

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