FFT.comâÂÂs Rob Burnett sifts through the best and worst of the weekâÂÂs action..
Welcome again to Video Stars where, as usual, we round up the good, the bad, and the downright Iain Dowie-like ugly of the weekâÂÂs footie. Hold on tightâ¦
OGGY OGGY OGGY!
Anderson Polga of Sporting Lisbon will no doubt have been relieved that his own goal made absolutely no difference to the result in Bayern MunichâÂÂs 7-1 mauling of the Portuguese club.
However, the same cannot be said of QPRâÂÂs Damien Stewart, who handed Doncaster an early lead with this header that looped over Rangers keeper Radek Cerny.
ThatâÂÂs now eight games without a win for the Loftus Road billionaires.
Polga: "I want my mummy"
MINISTRY OF DEFENCE
When theyâÂÂre not putting the ball into their own nets, defenders all over the globe still seem hell-bent on doing their upmost to help the opposition, as this bunch of clowns prove.
We start at Bayern Munich (again) first, where the Sporting defence sportingly made a complete hash of this long ball, allowing Lukas Podolski to score his, and BayernâÂÂs, second of the night.
Lionel Scaloni could do with some back-pass lessons from Mark Lawrenson on this evidence. This hideous attempt at a pass back to his keeper set up former Liverpool winger Mark Gonzalez to score Betis's first at Mallorca in a 3-3 thriller.
While Porto's Brazilian striker Hulk - you wouldnâÂÂt like him when heâÂÂs angry - makes it 2-0 following a horror header from a Leixoes defender.
KEEPERS WEEPERS
They say all goalkeepers are mad, but these ones are just plain rubbish.
Numancia keeper Juan Pablo allows this shot from Rodriguez to slip through his fingers to put Valencia 1-0 up.
Next, Hertha Berlin keeper Jaroslav Drobny lets this long-range free kick from Cagdas Atan squeeze through his legs to edge Cottbus ahead. Muppet.
Our old friend Helton of Porto's back, dropping a cross in comedic fashion for Diogo Valente of Leixoes to net a consolation at the death.
While Salzburg's Ibrahim Sekagy says grazie to Christian Gratze, after the Sturm Graz glove-man can only parry a tame 30-yard daisy-cutter into his own net.
Helton: "What?"
MEET THE MISSES
âÂÂIf it had gone in, it would have been a goal.â Joe Royle.
If you make a horrendous mistake or miss a sitter, all you can do is get on with it and hope your team-mates ensure your clanger doesnâÂÂt matter.
Pity poor Cottbus forward Emil Jula then, who missed a gaping open goal, which would have put his side 2-0 up against Hertha Berlin, who then bounced back to win 3-1.
On the other hand, Miroslav KloseâÂÂs miss in BayernâÂÂs thrashing Sporting Lisbon in the Champions League on Tuesday could not have mattered less in the end.
The Germans won 7-1, but it should have been 8-1 had Klose tucked this effort home. He' must be kicking himself.
GOL!
On to the corkers now sports fans, and first to Spain where Cosmin Contra's free kick hauled Getafe back into contention against Malaga.
NumanciaâÂÂs Carlos Aranda even had time to indulge in a bit of penalty area juggling before tucking home the equaliser against Valenciaâ¦
⦠before Jose Barkero curled home this free kick to complete the fightback and seal a 2-1 success.
Nothing incenses managers more than players giving away needless and cheap goals.
So goodness knows what Recreativo HuelvaâÂÂs gaffer was thinking when his team gave the ball away from their own throw-in and allowed Jonathan Sesma to score with this superbly swept 20-yard lob for Real Valladolid.
Sporting Gijon raced into a two goal lead at Osasuna with two crackers â the first a volley from David Barralâ¦
â¦and the second a floated curler from Diego Castro, which sealed a 2-1 win.
With David Seaman long retired, Andriy Voronin is one of the few ponytailed footballers left in Europe. Here he is dancing through the Cottbus defence to complete his hat-trick and score his sixth goal in six games for title-chasing Hertha Berlin.
Voronin: "Hmmm, delicious and nutritious"
Is Zlatan Ibrahimovic really the best player in the world? Well, no, but Jose Mourinho thinks he is, perhaps because he keeps scoring goals like this dink to put Inter one up at Genoa.
Mourinho may know his footballing onions, so to speak, but surely Leo Messi is a better player than Ibrahimovic, especially as he seems to score a wonder goal virtually every week.
HereâÂÂs his latest effort against Lyon, where he collects the ball out wide before ghosting past three defenders and slotting it past the keeper. Genius.
Next, former Barcelona forward Ludovic Giuly. Ah Ludo Giuly, heâÂÂll always have Paris.
And they are glad to have him, so long as he keeps winning games for them. Here he lashes home a volley for PSG at Lorient to earn the capital city side a 1-0 win.
Note to Cristiano Ronaldo, Jurgen Klinsmann et al... you can still score even if you are going down in the box as Nancy's Silva Andre Luiz has recently proved.
While falling backwards, he scoops the ball over the advancing keeper in a 2-2 draw at Le Mans. Bravo.
To the J-League we go now, where Brazilian forward Marquinhos wallops home a 20-yard diagonal to cap a flowing Kashima Antlers counter-attack vs Urawa.
But it's only a brief sojourn in the Far East this week, as we're back in Europe, with Podolski beginning BayernâÂÂs crushing of Sporting with this classy finish.
It was pretty much one-way traffic at the Allianz Arena, except for this beauty from Everton-target Joao Moutinho, who pulled one back for Sporting to make it 3-1.
Eduardo showed he's suffering no ill-effects from his year-long injury layoff on Sunday, putting Arsenal 2-0 ahead against Burnley with an esquisite volley.
Eduardo: So good, he can score with his ankle
And how about this for a well worked goal from Juventus against Chelsea.
Vincenzo Iaquinta flicks the ball onto David Trezeguet, who hooks it over the Blues's back-line for Iaquinta to run on to and fire past Petr Cech.
AND FINALLYâ¦
Ronaldo, the original, now rather portly, World Cup-winning version from Brazil, scored his first goal in more than a year on Sunday after making his latest comeback with Corinthians.
He netted an injury time equaliser for his new club against their arch rivals Palmeiras and seemed rather pleased with it...
...and then he went and scored again just days later, guiding home the winner against Sao Caetano. He's still big, but he's back!
Ronaldo: "I'm a celebrity, get me out of here"
Until next time...
Enjoy the weekend's games â and send details of any great goals or gormless gaffes to gary.parkinson@haymarket.com
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