Lock your office door and turn on the answering machine.
Kick the kids off the computer and send your better half to the shops.
Take a seat and put your feet up â because our weekly round-up of the worldâÂÂs best and worst football action is back.
From the Champions League to the A-League and from Serie A to the Eredivisie, we have painstakingly scoured the globe to bring you this weekâÂÂs wonder strikes, hilarious-howlers and own-goal gaffes.
All the best goals are coming up, but first, let's look at the absolute belters that somehow found their way into the wrong net.
OGGY OGGY OGGY!
LetâÂÂs get underway with some headed howlers. Brentford's Danny Foster leads the way, gifting London rivals Leyton Orient victory with a bullet header past his own keeper (at 1m 33s).
From the Orient to the continent as Dynamo KyivâÂÂs outswinging corner finds its way on to the head of Inter defender Lucio, whose cumbersome attempt to adjust his body is but a prelude to a calamitous near-post header (at 1m 30s).
A few poacherâÂÂs own-goals now. Bristol Rovers pull one back in their 2-1 defeat to Southend, thanks to Anthony GrantâÂÂs predatory skills in his own area (at 1m 20s).
GenoaâÂÂs Francesco Modesto gets a toe on Esteban CambiassoâÂÂs shot just in time to prevent his keeper Marco Amelia from making a comfortable save against league-leaders Inter.
And Peter Wisgerhof has obviously been practising for the return of Video Stars; this tap-in is his second own goal of the season for Steve McClarenâÂÂs FC Twente, who eventually overcame AZ Alkmaar 3-2.
Wisgerhof: "They've brought back Video Stars? Oh, for f..."
But the best own goal of the week has to be awarded to FreiburgâÂÂs Du Ri Cha â the South Korean deftly placing an attempted back-pass into the corner of his own net for BayernâÂÂs winner (at 3m 34s).
áGOL!
Before the top six, letâÂÂs warm up for the main event by taking a look at the wonder goals that werenâÂÂt quite wonderful enough to make the list.
First, free-kicks. In France, Fahid ben Khalfallah larrups home a 30-yarder in Valenciennes' 2-0 win over Grenoble.
Meanwhile in Germany, Elson tries to go one better with this corker of a consolation for Stuttgart against Sevilla.
"Have that!"
Speaking of Spanish sides, CismaâÂÂs curling left-footed free kick sets Almeria on their way to a 2-0 win over Malaga while Nauzet belts one in off the post for Valladolid at the Bernabeu.
In that same match â not the last belter at the Bernabeu this week â Madrid's beleaguered left-back Marcelo gets our round-up of the weekâÂÂs long-range wonder strikes off to a flying start, temporarily silencing his critics with this beauty.
Juan Rodriguez's wallop for Deportivo proved to be the only goal of the game against Sevilla, but what a goal. Cue the cackling commentator.
And gilding the La Liga lily is SerranoâÂÂs long-range dipper for Racing Santander in the 2 â 2 draw with Zaragoza. No need to âÂÂham upâ the celebration.
Time for some thundering volleys now, starting with Michael FlynnâÂÂs expertly executed strike for Bradford against both Dagenham and Redbridge (at 38s).
And how about a volley from Rooney? Not the injured one, but his brother John, bagging a gem for Macclesfield against Cheltenham (at 1m 8s).
Remember Frank Worthington? NEC's John Goosens clearly does, paying homage with this effort, flicking up and lobbing home from 25 yards against ADO Den Haag.
Over in Italy, Dejan Stankovic shows he's sharp as a tack, volleying home from the halfway line for Inter, after Genoa goalkeeper Amelia's hashed clearance.
And we finish up Down Under, with Archie ThompsonâÂÂs audacious lob for Melbourne in the A-League tie with Newcastle.
GOLS OF THE WEEK
That was the rest, now here are the best. Here, in alphabetical order, are our top six goalscorers from this weekâÂÂs feast of football action.
1.Gonzalo Higuain collects Xabi AlonsoâÂÂs long though-ball and delicately chips home from an almost impossible angle for Real MadridâÂÂs fourth goal against Valladolid.
Watch it here
2. Northern Ireland international Grant McCann hits a sweet dipping shot for Scunthorpe in the 3-1 win over Sheffield United.
Watch it here (at 25s)
3. Andrea PirloâÂÂs ferocious swerving, dipping drive draws AC Milan level in their 3-2 victory over Real Madrid.
Watch it here
4. Debrecen pull a goal back against Fiorentina thanks to Gergely RudolfâÂÂs peach of an effort from a tight angle after a fine solo run.
Watch it here
5. Rubin KazanâÂÂs Alexsandr Ryazantsev unleashes an unstoppable 30-yarder past Victor Valdes in the shock 2-1 win at reigning champions Barcelona.
Watch it here
6. Last and by no means least, QPRâÂÂs Adel Taarabt starts a mazy run from his own half before curling home to start the 4-0 thrashing of PNE.
Watch it here (at 20s)
OOPS!
And if those scorchers got your heart racing, try to get your breath back before taking a look at these guffaw-inducing gaffes. Proof, were it needed, that we are all human.
Let's start at square one. Wycombe goalkeeper Scott Shearer struggles to do joined-up walking, getting his feet all of a tangle in front of new manager Gary Waddock (at 28s).
No better in Spain, as Villarreal keeper Diego Lopez's dreadful clearance gifts Xerez their first La Liga win and sends Villarreal bottom.
Another goalkeeping howler at Oldham as a free-kick from Southampton's Rickie Lambert inexplicably squirms under home keeper Dean Brill. Add your own surname joke (33s).
"I think I'm Brill. Er, doh, I'm not"
And after flattering to deceive, Dida proves once and for all that Brazil really donâÂÂt do goalkeepers.
AC MilanâÂÂs No.1 makes his case by dropping, kneeing and spilling GraneroâÂÂs tame shot, leaving Raul to clean up for Real Madrid.
It's not always the goalkepers. Occasionally, their "defenders" barely live up to their description.
Take the late Sydney backpass that leads to a classic bit of comedy goalkeeper backtracking against Adelaide, AC MilanâÂÂs Thiago Silva expertly setting up a goal for Roma or the schoolboy efforts of Stockport's Paul Huntingdon gifting Millwall their second in a 4-0 rout (at 28secs).
And finally, over in Germany, complete communication breakdown.
Skip to 5m 20s on this video to see Wolfsburg's defender and keeper acting like they've never been introduced, before MonchengladbachâÂÂs Raul Bobadilla is too casual by half in his attempt to backheel home.
Written by Sam Smith.Send goal/gaffe suggestions to gary.parkinson@haymarket.com or mention them in the forum thread
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