Violence is Golden, and Sophie Dahl naked

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Ah, the illiterate, lumpen chanting of Crazy World’s youth. We’d like to say that we’ve grown up and moved on since then. But that would be a rotten lie.

And we bet you haven’t, either. Be honest now: is there anything better than witnessing mindless violence on the football field?

Yes, yes, we’d run a mile and cower in a corner if we saw any real, Danny Dyer-endorsed “naughtiness”, of course.

And players who fight are a disgrace, bad role models for kids, and should be locked up with the key thrown away etc.

But let’s face it: when David Coleman popped up on the telly before the infamous ‘62 World Cup Battle of Santiago between Chile and Italy and declared that what we were about to witness was “the most appalling, disgusting and disgraceful exhibition, possibly in the history of the game”, how many people do you think turned off, appalled?

And how many do you reckon turned and bellowed: “Quick! Kids! Grandma! You’ve gotta see this! It’s going off on the telly!”

It’s a bit like when The Daily Mail gets on its extra-lofty high horse about, say, Sophie Dahl appearing naked in a perfume advert, then prints a whopping great picture of it just so all us decent citizens can be absolutely disgusted. (Remind yourself here. Crazy World’s virgin eyes were stunned and offended, naturally).

So. Five players getting sent off in the Bogota derby match in which Millonarios beat La Equidad 2-1 this week was right up our bloodthirsty street.

This was small fry, however, compared to some of our favourites. The aggro connoisseur know there are many different sorts of brawl.

There’s your average, rather pathetic example: basically an embarrassing display of pushing and shoving in which nobody wants to get their precious face hurt, like this LA Galaxy vs Chivas match involving David Beckham and somebody called Buddle.

Then there’s your proper ruckus, which incorporated actual physical pain, and should really lead to jail sentences and restraining orders. Try this South American melee, a schoolyard pagga if ever we’ve seen one.

And then there’s your festival of improvised Kung Fu, basically a small scale war, which only someone as unhinged as Maradona can inspire.

If that’s not enough for you, have even found the 20 best dust-ups on Youtube for your delectation.

Just so you can remind yourself that there’s no place for this in football, and that lifetime bans should be issued all round, of course.  Bloody outrage...