BotN: Sturridge's Liverpool move held up by fact ‘squillion’ not an actual number

The England forward may have to alter his demands, reports Back of the Net's John Foster...

Negotiations to take Daniel Sturridge to Liverpool have hit a snag after the young Chelsea forward was told that the move cannot proceed unless his wage demands correspond to real numbers.

Sturridge is said to be keen on a move north to restart his stalling career, after falling down the pecking order at Stamford Bridge. Both Roberto Di Matteo and Rafael Benitez have tended to overlook the England international, preferring to pick Eden Hazard, Victor Moses, Oscar, and a glove puppet of Fernando Torres.

However, Sturridge’s Anfield dream hinges on whether the club will bow to his demands to stump up “a squillion pounds a week” in wages.

“I see a squillion as a starting point,” Sturridge told journalists earlier this week. “We may end up looking at a katrillion, or even a gajillion. But I’m not going any lower than a zillion.”

Not even a ride-pillion could tempt Sturridge...

Liverpool meanwhile insist that these figures are “literally impossible,” and that it had been a principle of the club to deal only with actually existing numbers ever since the departure of Tom Hicks and George Gillett.

“This could open the door to financial chaos,” warned Liverpool owner John W Henry. “If we agree to pay Daniel Sturridge a squillion, we’re going to be in a difficult position when Luis Suarez knocks on my door and asks to be paid in Flanian Pobble Beads.”

Other details still to be ironed out include Sturridge’s demands for an appearance bonus, a non-appearance bonus, a stand to be named after him, and a robot butler made of gold, “like the one John Terry has.”

Should the move break down irreparably, Werner has promised that the club will pursue alternative targets, pledging that the January transfer window will see the purchase of “umpteen new players”.

Editor's note: this is satire and not a serious accusation - all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

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