The Pants-Peeing Weekend Predictions - Round 10


Real Sociedad (11th) v Racing Santander (12th)With Sevilla, Villarreal, Atlético Madrid and Getafe (opponents of Barcelona) all having a lie-in after Thursday night Europa League action, two shy debutantes will trot out onto Saturday night's prime-time Primera stage, and hoping they don’t "do a Fergie" when they get out there and have a bit of an unfortunate accident.

And this can only be a good thing for la Primera, especially as it involves Real Sociedad - a side who have been immensely fun to watch this season. However, LLL can only imagine the despairing cries of "really?" from those TV companies of a more international leaning.LLL Prediction - Home win

Espanyol (5th) v Málaga (18th)Just last Monday, the increasingly vile Marca was taunting Real Madrid outcast Manuel Pellegrini over his unemployed state - a charming message in a country with a 20% jobless figure, although the former Villarreal man was hardly scrabbling around for scraps thanks to his Bernabeu pay-off.

“This is why Mourinho is the best trainer in the world and the Chilean is still without a team,” scoffed the paper’s editorial before Madrid’s point at the San Siro against AC Milan, the exact same result that the supposedly useless Pellegrini managed a year ago.

But now the much-maligned Mister makes a very welcome return to the Primera scene with Malaga. The southern club's Portuguese gaffer Jesualdo Ferreira got the hoof on Tuesday after five defeats in five home games left them in the relegation zone, so Pellegrini has joined a club bought last summer by Sheikh Abdullah Bin Nassar Al-Thani.

LLL now looks forward to watching Marca as the paper watches the apparently incompetent Pellegrini’s performance at his brand new club.LLL Prediction - Home win


Villarreal (3rd) v Athletic Bilbao (9th)The Spanish do enjoy a good squabble, especially over football. For instance, the two TV companies that broadcast la Liga are still merrily suing and counter-suing each other, despite the fact that the amount of money owed to one another is basically the same.

And in recent weeks, a brand new scuffle has broken out – this time, between the clubs. A number of sides have told Real Madrid and Barcelona to stick their slicing of the TV-cash pie, which sees the Big Two receiving 17% each, Atleti and Valencia sharing 11% and the other 16, clearly less important, clubs divvying up the other 55%.

One of the clubs flicking the financial finger is Villarreal, with club president Fernando Roig declaring on Radio Marca this week that he is “fighting to make sure that la Liga isn’t a league of two, despite a lot of you not agreeing with me.”

Roig also took the open-mic opportunity to complain about having to play on Monday nights, something that a certain Primera pair are not required to do. “We mortals can play on a Monday, but not the gods. Barcelona and Real Madrid can’t play then as that would be a sin.”LLL Prediction - Home win

Almeria (16th) v Sporting (15th)Now, this is going to sound a tad mean but it was just a bit of fun speculation between LLL and some comrades whilst at Getafe’s Coliseum on Thursday, watching the home side getting their booties toasted and handed back to them by Stuttgart.

The discussion was: If you could mastermind the make-up of la Primera, which three teams would you throw out and who would you replace them with?

LLL’s recommendations for expulsion were Getafe (fans seem indifferent to their top-flight existence), Almeria (harsh, but "meh") and Levante (city represented by Valencia; club has no real future).

Taking the place of this rejected rabble would be Celta Vigo (Galicia’s a mighty purty place), Rayo Vallecano (three sided stadiums are old skool rockin’ and the club has proper nutty fans) and, of course, Real Betis – who made the news this week when the man who is trying to buy the side, Luis Oliver, complained about a perceived opposition campaign against him by noting that “all that’s left is for them to call me a Muslim or black”.

Feel free to add your recommendations or complaints in the below. LLL Prediction - Home win

Osasuna (13th) v Hércules (14th)Seeing as the Spanish FA and League would rather we forget all about the Hércules match-fixing business having archived investigations into the alleged affair, LLL is going to continue focusing on the only other notable aspect of the club - the existence of the genius of Royston Drenthe.

Last week the dynamic Dutchman was contemplating paying a €2m clause himself to release him to play Real Madrid in Alicante. One week later he's back in the news, this time for being a bit of a naughty boy.

A week last Thursday, the on-loan winger was stopped by the Alicante police at four in morning having blasted through six red lights at speeds of up to 100mph. Drenthe explained that the reason for such excess was a medical emergency as that he thought his passenger was in a coma. The fact that Drenthe was in a clinic when caught by the fuzz helped his story, although it turned out that his companion was merely blasted on booze.

It’s not the first time that the Hércules man has found himself in hot water whilst on the road. Just days after his arrival at Real Madrid, Drenthe’s car GPS told him to make a left turn where there wasn’t one, and the Dutchman drove straight into a police car.LLL Prediction - Draw

Levante (17th) v Deportivo (19th)Things are suddenly a little less depressing in Deportivo’s world after a 3-0 win over Espanyol last weekend. Portly club president Augusto Lendoiro certainly cut a happier figure with Depor boss Miguel Angel Lotina revealing the saucy, sexy secrets of what happened in the dressing room after the climactic, executive-relieving victory.

“I’ve not seen (Lendoiro) so happy for five years,” scooped Lotina. “He had a big smile and gave me a hug.”

It seems it's not just on the pitch where Lotina's feeling the big squeeze. LLL Prediction - Draw

Getafe (10th) v Barcelona (2nd)“We do lack a bit of ambition at key moments.”

So said Manu del Moral a– one good game in 15, which is still a darn sight better than Juan Albín – on what Getafe fans have been noticing for themselves over the past few years, thank you very much, and what was quite clear to see on Thursday night in a hopeless 3-0 home defeat to Stuttgart in the Europa League. LLL Prediction - Draw

Real Madrid (1st) v Atlético Madrid (6th)AS have continued to obsess over the few scraps of José Mourinho’s notepaper that their sister TV company Canal Plus managed to pick up after Saturday’s Hércules game.

Thursday’s edition saw a report broadcast by Cuatro of a handwriting expert who rather shockingly claimed from her analysis of the largely unintelligible scribbles that the Madrid manager was hiding a love of burning insects to death using magnifying glasses and toasting turtles for breakfast.

Not really. The expert from the probably completely made-up discipline gushed that The Special One might need to have the word ‘very’ jammed into his nickname, being even more of a super-being that everyone assumed.

“A very quick-thinker. Enormous leadership abilities. Generates confidence. Demanding but accessible. A good person. Noble” was the sycophantic summary gleaned from Mourinho’s meanderings. LLL Prediction - Home win


Sevilla (8th) v Valencia (4th)Despite the host broadcasters attempts to drag the good people of Seville to a football stadium on a Monday night at 10pm, some common sense prevailed by the kick-off time of this rather tasty clash moving to 9.30pm.

Both sides will be going into the game in fairly happy cheer after wins in Europe. Valencia rogered Rangers, whilst Sevilla beat Karpaty, the second of the sides in this season’s Europa League that LLL had never heard of before – the first being the brilliantly-titled Sheriff, who apparently come from Moldova. LLL Prediction - Home win