Vincent Tan buys Bosnian volcanic lair
Cardiff City supremo Vincent Tan has completed the purchase of an underground lair deep beneath a volcano in Bosnia’s Dinaric Alps, his spokesman confirmed on Friday.
Mount Zlosutan, which has not appeared on maps since 1974, has had a number of previous owners, including warlord Jusuf Prazina, supervillain Professor Doomsday, and pop star Roger Daltrey. It is typically wreathed in smoke, though whether this is due to the large magma chamber just below the surface or the diabolical machinations being schemed up deep underground is unclear.
The lair, now renamed Castle Tanthrax, comes equipped with a spaceport, a launch pad, a shark pit, and a squash court. It is capable of withstanding a direct nuclear strike, and contains sufficient space to house up to 10,000 of Tan’s juvenile minions, or ‘Taanagers’.
Tan, 62, declared himself pleased with the purchase, from where he will implement the next phase of his secretive ‘Tan Plan’. Details of the plan remain obscure, though they are believed to involve the Armenian para-state of Nagorno-Karabakh, an unstoppable flesh-eating virus, and Jordon Mutch.
“Yes ... everything is coming together nicely,” the tycoon is reported to have said upon taking possession of the volcano, sipping from a bottle of distilled water while giving a thin, distant smile. “I feel positively... Tantric.”
“You might even say my new lair is ... Tantalizing,” he added, caressing the levers of an unidentified instrument of torture with his black-gloved hand, and allowing himself a quiet, sinister chuckle. “It’s all so ... Tantastic.”
Hopes of stopping the tycoon look fainter than ever following the sudden and mysterious death of the one man brave enough to defy him. The lifeless body of Malky Mackay, 41, was discovered earlier this week, poisoned, police believe, by a particularly deadly strain of Tanthrax.