United forever, whatever the weather
Less than 100%? Never!
The son of a miner, funkiest rhymer
Always in the news, my crew the headliner
ã7.5 mill record breaker, IâÂÂm rapping on the mic, keeping it real
IâÂÂm keeping the raw.
Andy Cole, Outstanding, 1999
In the late âÂÂ90s, then-Manchester United striker Andy (not yet Andrew) Cole, flushed with Champions League success, released his debut pop single â a cover of The Gap BandâÂÂs Outstanding, featuring a painful diatribe rapped over the top.
It stiffed, but in the accompanying promotional junket Cole delivered a revealing interview to Time Out magazine, assessing a selection of other singing footballers.
When played Ian WrightâÂÂs Do The Wright Thing, Cole enquired, âÂÂI remember this well. Who wrote this? Stock, Aitken and Waterman?â (Pop fans note: it was actually Pet Shop BoyâÂÂs Chris Lowe).
On Martin BuchanâÂÂs Martin Buchan Blues he awarded a âÂÂ10 out of 10. ItâÂÂs cool when you consider what type of music was out in 1976.âÂÂ
This Time..., the 1982 England World Cup song and LiverpoolâÂÂs Anfield Rap both received the thumbs down, before Cole was played Diamond Lights, as performed by Spursâ flamboyant midfielders Glenn Hoddle and Chris Waddle.
âÂÂNah!â snorted Cole. âÂÂForget this. That was shocking, man. No, really, fast-forward this.âÂÂ
Anfield Rap: Thumbs down from Coley
Despite OutstandingâÂÂs lacklustre entry to the pop canon, Cole had inadvertently smacked the nail on its head.
Footballers, despite repeated attempts at musical stardom, cannot make records â in much the same way that Diana Ross canâÂÂt kick a football into a gaping net at the opening ceremony of the 1994 World Cup or Chris Martin wouldnâÂÂt pick up the ball on the halfway line, weave his way through a barrage of defenders and ping a drive into the top corner from 25 yards in the Champions League final.
Even to the casual observer it seems nigh-on impossible to hold down a career in both. Dedication, physical perfection and regimented diet hardly feature on the schedules of most touring bands. Drugs, groupies and sleepless nights are frowned upon at most professional clubs.
Not that a string of players have cared â theyâÂÂve had a riot peppering the charts with poorly-produced novelty singles.
Terry Venables and John Charles both released records in the 1960s before Kevin Keegan made the first laughable stab at pop stardom with his single Head Over Heels in 1979. It only reached number 31 in the charts but a trend was set.
By the mid-âÂÂ80s, Spurs midfielders Glenn Hoddle and Chris Waddle had released two records â Diamond Lights and ItâÂÂs Goodbye â to muted response, while a decade later Ian Wright and Andy Cole were laying down hip-hop cuts with a level of fan enthusiasm unnoticed within Spicemania.
For an indication at just how bad these singles were, itâÂÂs worth considering that Gazza topped the lot with his Number Two smash Fog On The Tyne in 1990.
Gazza and his guitar top the charts, almost
But rock stars have added to the whole sorry phenomenon too â lyrically at least.
Bands referencing the game in song include Morrissey (RoyâÂÂs Keen), Billy Bragg (Moving The Goalposts, GodâÂÂs Footballer and Shirley â âÂÂHow can you lie there and think of England when you donâÂÂt even know whoâÂÂs in the team?âÂÂ), Don Fardon (The Belfast Boy â a song praising George Best) and Half Man, Half Biscuit (I Was A Teenage Honved Fan).
Also guilty are The Wedding Present, The Fall, I, Ludicrous, and Super Furry Animals, whose single The Man DonâÂÂt Give A F*ck featured notorious Reading player Robin Friday on the cover.
âÂÂHis daughter and wife were really upset about it,â says drummer Dafydd Ieuan. âÂÂThey got in touch to say, actually, he did give a f*ck.âÂÂ
Still, when it comes to creative inspiration, thereâÂÂs nothing to match the FA Cup final muse which so often drives bands to pen songs for their favourite teams, most notably ChasâÂÂnâÂÂDave who penned the Rockney masterpiece OssieâÂÂs Dream for Spurs in 1981, complete with the couplet:
âÂÂOssieâÂÂs going to Wembley
His knees have gone all trembly.âÂÂ
Clive Allen reaches for the high note
This seasonal horror is only surpassed by the build-up to an international tournament as the whole process goes into meltdown and bands proffer their support for the national team.
Step forward New Order (World In Motion, 1986), Echo And The Bunnymen, The Spice Girls and Ocean Colour Scene (Top Of The World, 1998) and Ian Broudie of The Lightning Seeds (Three Lions, 1996 and 2002).
âÂÂI've never ever written a song about football apart from Three Lions,â says Liverpool fan Broudie.
âÂÂI remember when the FA got in touch and asked me to write a single for Euro 96 and I said no first of all because I was a little bit uncomfortable with the whole En-Ger-Land thing. I know New Order did that song but I didn't even like it that much.
"I remember they were doing games at Anfield for Euro 96 and before the end of the season a few pennants went up and that's when I thought, âÂÂActually it's going to be here at Anfieldâ and I got quite into it.âÂÂ
Of course, it could be worse. ScotlandâÂÂs 1998 World Cup campaign was infamously soundtracked by folk rockers Del AmitriâÂÂs prophetic DonâÂÂt Come Home Too Soon. Craig BrownâÂÂs team were duly knocked out in the group stages.
Still, what these singles really create is an arena in which John Barnes can rap, Gazza can sing and the entire squad â complete with kitman, physio and masseur â can sway awkwardly in a low-budget promotional video while clutching oversized headphones.
What songwriter could resist the association? Sadly, the results are often intolerable.
âÂÂEngland players can just about play football,â hisses Ian McCulloch, âÂÂlet alone sing.â Nevertheless popâÂÂs elite are as wide eyed in adulation of footballers as the next man.
Football is the great leveller. Most bands, despite their too-cool-for-school demeanour, will boast at least one long-suffering fan among their ranks.
âÂÂJohnny Rotten would always get pissed off when we started talking football,â recalls former Sex Pistol Glen Matlock, a QPR fan.
âÂÂHe couldnâÂÂt get his head round it. He would say things like, âÂÂWhatâÂÂs so special about 22 grown men kicking a football around a muddy field? ItâÂÂs crap.âÂÂ
"And then, with Euro âÂÂ96 and football suddenly becoming a fairly credible sport again, all of a sudden heâÂÂs saying, âÂÂOh yeah, IâÂÂm a massive Arsenal fan. IâÂÂve always been a massive Arsenal fan.âÂÂ
Rotten: "Goooooooners"
Not content with falling over at celebrity five-a-side tournaments, countless artists have played shows at a treasured stadium (Oasis at Maine Road) or bought the club (Elton John at Watford), while Leeds Britpop band Kaiser Chiefs stole (and misspelt) their name from the South African side once captained by Elland Road favourite, Lucas Radebe.
âÂÂBands love football because itâÂÂs such a contrast from what they do in the studio,â says The Delaysâ Greg Gilbert.
âÂÂWhen youâÂÂre recording an album itâÂÂs all about thought and analysis. YouâÂÂre expressing yourself, but in a thoughtful way. When it comes to football thereâÂÂs no bullshit. ItâÂÂs a physical one on one where great players rise to the top. And you canâÂÂt help but notice great players.
"Everything is so quick and instinctive too, more instinctive than making a record. As a musician, IâÂÂm into the detail, whereas football is more about getting on the pitch and doing it.âÂÂ
Footballers arenâÂÂt above a little hero worship either â and not just towards the likes of perennial favourites, Luther Vandross and Phil Collins. Rumour has it that former Scotland midfielder Pat Nevin was such a fan of indie band The Cocteau Twins that he was substituted during a Chelsea reserve game so he could catch their London show.
Mani recalls seeing a string of Manchester United players at Stone Roses gigs while punk fan Stuart Pearce went so far as to introduce The Sex Pistols at a Finsbury Park show in 1996 with the cry of âÂÂWho said there were no more heroes? Ladies and gentlemen... The Sex Pistols!âÂÂ
Nevin: "Five more minutes gaffer, then I've really got to go"
Fortunately, these âÂÂsuperfansâ seem aware of the unwritten rule: a little love is OK but unwavering obsession is a dangerous thing.
Any player unsure of the consequences of falling too deeply should look back at history and the likes of Gazza, George Best and Stan Bowles.
Mixing the rockâÂÂnâÂÂroll lifestyle with training ground discipline just doesnâÂÂt work. And nobody has ever taken the football aspirations of Harvey from So Solid Crew, Rod Stewart or Robbie Williams very seriously.
But you canâÂÂt blame people for trying, both are rewarding businesses after all.
âÂÂFootball is like music,â says Mani, Manchester United fan, formerly bassist with Stone Roses, now Primal Scream.
âÂÂThere are so many people who are really good at it and theyâÂÂre worth every penny they get. And when it comes together, whether thatâÂÂs on the pitch or on record it makes it all worth it. ItâÂÂs f*cking beautiful.âÂÂ
Wednesday: How football became the new rock'n'roll
The EnemyâÂÂs new album Music For The People is out April 27.
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