Battered Bulgars, bereft Belgians and miserable Maltesers

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The human teleprinter here, with utterly off the cuff reactions to last nightâÂÂs other results â i.e. not EnglandâÂÂs or ScotlandâÂÂs.

Serbia 6-1 Bulgaria.

I still remember Terry Venables sagely predicting: âÂÂI fancy the Bulgarians here.â How right he was. Stoichkov was immense, a one-man Total Footballer who even turned up at right-back. And now this.

Losing 6-1 is bad enough. But Savo Milosevic missed two penalties â and still managed to score twice in his last appearance for Serbia. If The Sun splashed this the headline would presumably be âÂÂSerbs 6 Twerps 1.â Or, indeed, âÂÂSilly Bulgars.âÂÂ


Milosevic says a tearful goodbye 

The Italians arenâÂÂt as frenzied about friendlies as the English, so Marcello Lippi will be chuffed to have equalled Vittorio PozzoâÂÂs record of 31 matches without defeat as Azzurri coach. And Luca Toni scored, which was nice, as that bloke said in The Fast Show.

Albania was just emerging from Stalinist isolation and a gang of middle-aged autograph hunters huddled at the airport, one of whom came up to me, brandishing a notebook and pen, saying: âÂÂMark Hughes?â I briefly contemplated pretending to be Sparky â I had 78% more hair then â before mumbling that the man himself wasnâÂÂt with us.

He briefly contemplated asking Neville Southall but, intimidated by the size of Big NevâÂÂs ghetto blaster, beat a hasty retreat.

Arguably the humiliation of the night. Six years ago the Belgians gave Brazil their biggest scare of the 2002 World Cup. Now, they canâÂÂt even hold onto a 1-0 half-time lead against the Grand Duchy. Nice way for the duchy to celebrate their 100th anniversary as a footballing nation.


Czech keep-ball: You can't hold out forever 

Craig BellamyâÂÂs first international goal in 14 months earned John ToshackâÂÂs young team a deserved win against Morten OlsenâÂÂs much-fancied team. Has the Dragons' luck turned? Are there many more dragon-related puns left for the media to use in headlines?

The Icelandic nation may have cost the British government a billion or two with their creaking banks but they can still make the Maltese cross. ThatâÂÂs one gag where, even as you write it, you can hear the ghost of Basil Brush crowing âÂÂBoom boom!âÂÂ

Leo BeenhakkerâÂÂs boys, who have been in the stocks since Euro 2008, return to Poland with a morale-boosting win while Giovanni TrapattoniâÂÂs Ireland, though a tad erratic on the night, continue to suggest that their coach is certainly not, as he memorably suggested years ago in Germany, an idiot.


Trap: "So that's E... equals... M... and C..." 

A pride-swelling victory in the Balkan derby for the mountain state who hadnâÂÂt won in five. The ghost of Alexander the Great will probably sink a few bottles of wine and rage drunkenly at the plight of his old kingdom, felled by a dodgy penalty.

MacedoniaâÂÂs Slovenian coach Srecko Katanec will get a drubbing as he again left out Goce Sedloski, the teamâÂÂs inspirational skipper, for questioning his tactics.

Seven without a win now for the Norwegians, who haven't won this year, a feat they last managed in 1983. Ukraine could have scored more. Beleaguered Norway coach Age Hareide better hope that ValerengaâÂÂs young striker Moa Abdellaoue really is the new Solskjaer.


"Ooh! A ball!"

Trying to discover when Fiji lost won a game, I found this on rsssf.com: Thanks to Hans Schloggl, the record of OceaniaâÂÂs greatest football rivalry â Christmas Islands vs Cocos Islands. For those who think this is a link too far, the Christmas Islands have won eight out of 10 â a ratio I thought only happened when catsâ owners were tested for pet food ads.

In 1974, the great forecasting guru Herman Kahn predicted that the UK was finished and that France would dominate the 21st century. Kahn obviously hadnâÂÂt factored in the force that is Raymond Domenech.


"Pah!" 

Germany 1-2 England. OK, I know I promised not to but... if fawning was an Olympic event, Clyde Tyldesley would win gold for Great Britain. That man can fawn over any distance â 5000 metres, 90 minutes...

If I faced England in South Africa, my tactical plan would be simple. Draw England out and hit balls that force John Terry to chase back towards his goal. It isnâÂÂt his forte.

He was honest enough to own up last night. But that wasnâÂÂt a fluke. I still remember him scrambling after Fernando Morientes when Monaco stuffed Chelsea in 2003/04. And Morientes, even then, wasnâÂÂt that pacy.

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