Become a football star... in Moldova

ThereâÂÂs bringing a competition into disrepute and then thereâÂÂs downright taking the p**s.

Mick McCarthy damaged the âÂÂinternational credibility of the Premier Leagueâ last week by fielding a second-string Wolves team at Old Trafford, or so said perennial whinger Arsene Wenger.

Just donâÂÂt tell him whatâÂÂs stirring in the northern Moldovan city of BÃÂlãi with Divizia Naãionalàoutfit Olimpia, heâÂÂll probably have an aneurysm or something.

Last time NMTB attended a Divizia Naãionalàgame it cost 20 lei â thatâÂÂs about a pound.

It sounds good value for the top-flight of a European country, until you see what utter, utter tripe is on show.

ItâÂÂs hardly the most lucrative league on the continent.

In fact, NMTB can't actually recall it being shown live on television in Moldova.

The English Premier League, RomaniaâÂÂs Liga 1 and RussiaâÂÂs Premier-Liga are all broadcast, but not the Divizia NaãionalÃÂ, which is reserved solely as an end-of-the-news piece, a bit like one of those Trevor McDonald âÂÂand finallyâ stories about some berk in India running a marathon with two frozen chickens under his arms.

However, Olimpia BÃÂlãiâÂÂs quest for fame and fortune this Christmas is likely to ruffle a few feathers.

Through an online auction, the misguided fools believe they are presenting one football-mad fan with the opportunity of a lifetime.

They are offering one berk with more money than sense the opportunity to join Mykhailo Dunetsâ side as a player for a European tie.

Yep, the winner of their auction will play for the club in the Champions League or Europa League next year, in a competition they are calling "Become a Football Star in a Moment!"

According to a press release: âÂÂFC Olimpia is ready to make the dream of a single person out of six and a half billion living on this planet to come true.

"The club is ready to make out of this person a football star, regardless his age, job or hobbies, within a very short period - just a few days.âÂÂ

Why doesnâÂÂt every club do this, itâÂÂs brilliant!!! Michel Platini will love this!!!

The team believes they are pioneering a new concept in the game, namely âÂÂfootball tourism,â or, as others would describe it, âÂÂs**t-idea-never-to-take-off-the-ground tourism.âÂÂ

NMTB was wondering why anyone â ANYONE â would want to visit BÃÂlãi.

The blog did once, in spite of its guidebook giving it a less-than-glowing review:

âÂÂBÃÂlãi (balts, from the Romanian word for âÂÂswampâÂÂ), 150km north of ChißinÃÂu, is Moldova's fourth-largest city, with a population of 143,630. A major industrial and mafia-influenced area, and predominantly Russian-speaking, it has little to offer beyond being a convenient stopover en route to Ukraine.âÂÂ

This is the best bit

But the competition isn't open to anyone. Oh no.

You must be a âÂÂhealthy man between the age of 18 and 60â (sorry mum, itâÂÂs oven gloves again for you this year).

The club are obviously i) skint and ii) absolutely clueless about the value of money in the Western world, where this ludicrous competition is evidently aimed.

To be eligible to make a bid, the moron who wants to compete in a pointless qualifying round against a team of butchers, bakers and candlestick makers from Andorra or the Faroe Islands must first submit the princely sum of â¬300, about 260 quid, for a âÂÂregistrationâ fee.

Ready to part with that?

Right, the next step is to place your bid which, according to the club from EuropeâÂÂs poorest country, âÂÂwill cost you very little money, from 10,000 to a million Euros.âÂÂ

Is that all? ThatâÂÂs literally short change for most people. NMTBâÂÂs going to enter. Twice, probably.

(In case you're wondering, the average monthly wage in Moldova is about ã70.)

A minimum bid of â¬10,000 (almost ã9,000) is required once youâÂÂre in the auction, although the first person to weigh in with a fee one hundred times that, yes, thatâÂÂs nearly ã900,000, will automatically win, and fulfil their dream of playing for Olimpia BÃÂlãi.

The club arenâÂÂt worth that.

DonâÂÂt worry if youâÂÂve not got that in your bank account just yet, because the competition runs until March, so thatâÂÂs plenty of time to scrape a few quid together.

And so confident are the team that some idiot will part with such a ludicrous amount of money, they believe this will generate hitherto unheard of interest in the Divizia NaãionalÃÂ, and for you, that lucky chap who wins the auction:

âÂÂThe next day after signing the contract this person will become famous all over the world! Mass-media will be focused just on him: articles in newspapers, news on TV, all the internet will be talking about him.

"For a while he will become more popular than such football stars as Cristiano Ronaldo, Lionel Messi, Ronaldinho.âÂÂ

Or so says its chimerical vice-president Serghei Chiseliov.

Oh, and there is one small stumbling block to this ridiculous plan: Olimpia are fourth in the Divizia NaãionalÃÂ, one position and 13 points off third place and qualification for a Europa League spot, and miles behind Sheriff Tiraspol atop the table.

Granted, they're still in the Cupa Moldovei, but then so are Sheriff, and theyâÂÂll have to beat them at some point to lift the trophy for the first time.

If you are interested, you can download the form here and p**s away your money, sorry, enter the competition.

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