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It’s time to panic, Dyche insists

Burnley boss Sean Dyche has told journalists that he is encouraging an atmosphere of terrified delirium at Turf Moor ahead of the visit of Hull.

The newly promoted side are without a win this season but reporters at Thursday's press conference were surprised to hear a wild-eyed Dyche advocate wholesale, frenzied panic.

Dyche, whose dishevelled appearance made him look even more like a snooker club bouncer than usual, emphatically denied gentle suggestions that Burnley are still settling in to the top flight, and repeatedly reiterated his belief that his men are ‘doomed’, before laughing maniacally.

“Of course I’m panicking,” Dyche told FourFourTwo. “We’ve got four points and honest to God I can’t remember how we got those, maybe they were in that welcome pack we got when we were promoted.

“All our players are called things like Jones, Ward and Boyd and we’re playing against Arsenal and Chelsea. We’re toast, I tell you, toast.”

As well-meaning journalists attempted to suggest slight formation changes, Dyche broke in with his more radical solution involving a spate of kidnappings, three high-speed car chases and the partial destruction of several major English cities.

“This is the end of days,” Dyche yelled repeatedly, pounding the desk with his fists. “With desperate times come desperate measures.”

Eventually though Dyche recanted and plaintively enquired as to whether any of the gathered newsmen knew where he could get some Premier League points without having to maintain a coherent back-line.

Dyche then hid under the desk shivering and mumbling incomprehensibly before popping up to stress his belief that Burnley ‘could surprise a few people’ against mid-table Hull.

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