The melodramatic, trampolining Prem Preview
West Brom winning at the Emirates? Last-placed West Ham beating Champions League-scaling Spurs? Chelsea and Manchester United dropping points?
Honestly, making predictions is going to become really difficult if teams donÃ¢ÂÂt stop knobbing around and just do as theyÃ¢ÂÂre told.
Wigan v Wolves (12.45pm, Sky Sports 2 & HD2, 5 Live Radio)
Stat fans, or alternatively, non-delusional Wolves fans, will know the Midlands outfit scored the fewest goals in last seasonÃ¢ÂÂs Premier League: a pitiful 32 in 38 games.
This season, it seems little is destined to change despite an excellent Ã¢ÂÂ relatively speaking Ã¢ÂÂ front line of Doyle, Ebanks-Blake and Fletcher. So far in this campaign, Wolves have had just 43 shots Ã¢ÂÂ fewer than any other team. ItÃ¢ÂÂs too early to call this game a six-pointer, but they might want to start being more trigger-happy sooner rather than later.
Similarly, Wigan should consider hitting the target: theyÃ¢ÂÂve converted just three per cent of their shots into goals, a lower percentage than anyone else in the league.
Blimey, this is going to be a thriller, isnÃ¢ÂÂt it?
What wonÃ¢ÂÂt happen: Many lunchtime kick-offs for these comparatively unfashionable sides Ã¢ÂÂ this in itself has been moved from Monday night, when it would have contravened FIFA regulations by falling within an international week. Well, LA-DI-DA, FIFA. Who do you think you are, the guys in charge or something?
What will happen: An ugly game, as a struggling outfit entertain the first team to crack the 100-foul mark this season Ã¢ÂÂ but the travellers take the points
Birmingham v Everton (3pm)
BANG: itÃ¢ÂÂs time for the battle of the bizarre away kit merchants.
In the blue but sometimes red corner, we have Birmingham, confusing everybody by wearing a change strip so different in colour to their home kit. And in the blue but sometimes pink corner, we have Everton, who are confusing everybodyÃ¢ÂÂs retinas with the most shocking shade of pink since designers discovered Ã¢ÂÂhot magentaÃ¢ÂÂ.
(For posterity: I did just look that up. I donÃ¢ÂÂt have a vast knowledge of variations on pink).
What wonÃ¢ÂÂt happen: Birmingham give up their incredible 18-game unbeaten record at St AndrewÃ¢ÂÂs
What will happen: They have to settle for a draw, as Everton finally start to gain momentum
Stoke v Blackburn (3pm)
Calling this the worst game of football the Premier League has to offer is appallingly predictable. So dull football be damned Ã¢ÂÂ this season has seen upsets, thrashings and goals, goals, goals.
All except in matches featuring these two teams, neither of whom have been involved in a league game with more than three goals.
What wonÃ¢ÂÂt happen: Ricardo Fuller to feature: the 30-year-old Jamaican was rushed to hospital after dislocating his shoulder for approximately the fourteenth time. HeÃ¢ÂÂs expected to be out for just a couple of weeks, but it could be much worse
What will happen: 0-0? Yeah, 0-0
Sunderland v Manchester United (3pm, Absolute Radio)
FergieÃ¢ÂÂs men havenÃ¢ÂÂt lost to Sunderland in 17 meetings, but they may struggle this time: Rooney, Valencia, Giggs, Carrick and the rejuvenated Scholes are all out, while the Black Cats boast serial giant killer Darren Bent, who has scored eight goals in 10 games against Ã¢ÂÂbig fourÃ¢ÂÂ sides since joining Sunderland.
I can see Sunderland winning this game, but that would go violently against the Golden Rule: former Fergie charges never beat him in the managerial stakes. TheyÃ¢ÂÂre just too cowardly.
What wonÃ¢ÂÂt happen: As much space for Berba, averaging nine touches per game in the oppoÃ¢ÂÂs box this season, as Sunderland get wise to his antics
What will happen: Can they do it? Can they do it? Sure they can, despite Steve BruceÃ¢ÂÂs Fergie-love: Sunderland claim three points. Nope, IÃ¢ÂÂm bottling it: draw. Sorry
Spurs v Aston Villa (3pm)
TottenhamÃ¢ÂÂs defensive woes donÃ¢ÂÂt look likely to cease: Gallas, Dawson and, ahem, Woodgate are all ruled out of this game, and Younes Kaboul and Benoit Assou-Ekotto are also injury doubts. Ledley King is unlikely to play two games in four days, so Spurs may have to resort to that tried and tested centre-back duo of Sebastian Bassong and Vedran Corluka, the one-man caravan of acceleration.
Villa have their own problems, with strike pairing Carew and Agbonlahor under the physioÃ¢ÂÂs watchful eye. This could be a low-key affair.
What wonÃ¢ÂÂt happen: Spurs to rack up more questionable penalties than they did on Wednesday in the entire remainder of the season
What will happen: Frustrating draw for the hosts
West Brom v Bolton (3pm)
The conquerors and frustrators of Arsenal and Manchester United meet to trade Ã¢ÂÂlook at usÃ¢ÂÂ stories. West Brom win that one, I think.
ThereÃ¢ÂÂs a nice alliterative ring to the BaggiesÃ¢ÂÂ injury list: Miller, Mattock and Miete are all mullered and may miss the match. Bolton, in turn, are without sitcom pairing OÃ¢ÂÂBrien and OÃ¢ÂÂBrien.
This is West Bromwich AlbionÃ¢ÂÂs best start to a Premier League season ever, which is a bit like saying Kevin Davies is top of the fouls-per-game table (he is). Of course itÃ¢ÂÂs their best start to a season. TheyÃ¢ÂÂre sixth. The only surprise is that their sole previous season of survival came after their worst-ever start.
What wonÃ¢ÂÂt happen: A less popular referee among visiting fans: official Peter Walton has given four penalties against them in his last four Bolton games
What will happen: Odemwingie continues to embarrass his critics in a solid home win
West Ham v Fulham (3pm)
Fulham were forced to experiment with Zoltan Gera upfront last week, with Bobby Zamora, Andy Johnson and Moussa Dembele all injured and Eddie Johnson simply not good enough. TheyÃ¢ÂÂll have to do the same again in this game, although IÃ¢ÂÂm surprised theyÃ¢ÂÂre not tempted to try Clint Dempsey up there.
West Ham are almost as goal-shy, at least from open play: all four of their goals this season have come from set-pieces. Also, Victor Obinna has had the most shots in the Premier League without scoring. See if you can guess how many (hint: itÃ¢ÂÂs 13).
What wonÃ¢ÂÂt happen: Carlton Cole to extend his scoring run against Fulham to five games
What will happen: FulhamÃ¢ÂÂs most boring of unbeaten records to continue. Draw, AGAIN
Manchester City v Newcastle (1.30pm, ESPN & ESPN HD, TalkSPORT Radio)
Citeh and Toon meet in a game that will be hyped to the skies and back, then back to the skies and returning once again to terra firma like an child left on an overstrung trampoline, but that will ultimately come to nothing as Manchester CityÃ¢ÂÂs defensive set-up bores the Toon into defeat.
Still, at least the Sunday kick-off times are back to normal.
What wonÃ¢ÂÂt happen: Shay Given is found on his knees in front of the Newcastle bench, begging, Ã¢ÂÂPlease, please take me backÃ¢ÂÂ
What will happen: Home win
Liverpool v Blackpool (3pm)
Another high-profile Sunday kick-off away day doesnÃ¢ÂÂt bode well for Blackpool when you consider the last one resulted in a 4-0 pasting at Chelsea, but Liverpool are a side less assured of their greatness at the moment.
Poor Roy Hodgson has his back to the wall as the toothy jowls of ravenous Liverpool fans baying for blood close in Ã¢ÂÂ although actually, he doesnÃ¢ÂÂt seem to deserve the epithet Ã¢ÂÂpoorÃ¢ÂÂ any more since joining the Reds. When he was at Fulham, his appeal to neutrals was all about overachievement; even a vastly underrated and unconsidered manager deserving of another big job to go with his memories of Inter.
Now, to many people heÃ¢ÂÂs become just like any other big-club manager: bitter, moaning and without self-awareness. He has also gained several more chins. And just like any other big-club manager with neckwear made of human skin, he may find himself on the scrapheap soon enough.
Too melodramatic? Perhaps. But a shock defeat here and it might not be that ridiculous a prospect after all...
What wonÃ¢ÂÂt happen: Hodgson has a facelift and is arrested for scaring the local children
What will happen: Blackpool stun the hosts. Seriously
Chelsea v Arsenal (4pm, Sky Sports 2 & HD2, 5 Live Radio)
ItÃ¢ÂÂs the big one, etc. etc. But all the hype and drama is put into perspective when you consider what one man involved in the game is contending with.
Very sadly, Carlo AncelottiÃ¢ÂÂs father has passed away this week. But the funeral being the day before the game isnÃ¢ÂÂt going to deter the Chelsea boss, who has pledged to attend this Arsenal encounter.
ItÃ¢ÂÂs to AncelottiÃ¢ÂÂs credit, and if the effect is the same as StokeÃ¢ÂÂs galvanisation after Tony PulisÃ¢ÂÂ reaction to his mother passing away, there could be the smallest of silver linings for the Italian eyebrow-raiser. And he does look good in black.
What wonÃ¢ÂÂt happen: A duller procession than ChelseaÃ¢ÂÂs win against Marseille, which rivaled the Warsaw VeteransÃ¢ÂÂ Lamppost Appreciation SocietyÃ¢ÂÂs 1987 AGM for tedium
What will happen: Theoretically, a thriller: these two have hit more shots on target than any other team in the league this season. Add to that Mike DeanÃ¢ÂÂs propensity for giving penalties for or against the men in blue, awarding five spotkicks in his last seven Chelsea games, and you should have goals galore. 0-0, then...