Skip to main content

Messi's King Joffrey approves move for Suarez (presumably)

The marketing men at Barcelona have one choice to make when the inevitable signing of Luis Suárez takes place. They can either gloss over some of the more zombie-like characteristics of the Uruguay striker, which doesn’t really fit into the whole “More than a Club” vibe of the culé collective.


Or the Google-Glass-sporting suits with white boards can embrace Suarez's temporary spells of gnashing lunacy and point out that the forward could be handy alongside Leo Messi. And hey, Zlatan was a bit nuts and that all worked out perfectly well for Barcelona. Sort of. 


Both will be gleefully accepted by Barcelona fans, who may be a little less sniffy in their choice of signings these days having been embarrassed last season by both Atlético Madrid and Real Madrid. Indeed, even Getafe made them look quite silly. Things have been so bad at the Camp Nou of late that anyone who can head the ball clear from an opposition corner will be embraced, even if they run a string of particularly dingy puppy farms.


At least the club have made a solid start to their brand new revolution which is to be led by a bandera-clad Leo Messi, club president Josep Bartomeu was keen to point out at a press conference this week. The rebuilding began in goal with two fine replacements duking it out to be the new Victor Valdés - not as in unemployed, as in Barcelona goalkeeper. 

Two No.1s


Born 13 Apr 1983, Viluco, Chile

Teams 2002-2006 Colo Colo (123 games)

2006-2014 Real Sociedad (237 games, 1 goal)

2004- Chile (83 caps)



Born 30 Apr 1992, Monchengladbach, Germany

Teams 2010-2014 Borussia Monchengladbach (127 games)

2012- Germany (4 caps)

Marc-Andre ter Stegen and Claudio Bravo are the two No.1s. Polls reveal fans would prefer the Chilean over the German, for the basic reasons of familiarity and sterling work for both club and country in recent years. 


Ivan Rakitic is an absolutely cracking signing for the club and a good bit of business considering the former Sevilla midfield all-rounder is replacing Cesc Fabregas with about €15 million in spare change. The Croatian's signing apparently received the approval of Leo Messi, whom LLL imagines as a reticent King Joffrey, giving a thumbs-up and thumbs-down to photos of transfers targets stuck before him as he slurps on his fizzy cola. 


Presumably King Leo gave his approval to the arrival of Suárez as striking partner No.57 during the Argentinian’s Camp Nou career. All that has to happen now is for Liverpool and Barcelona to agree a fee. And should the Anfield club wish to seal the deal quickly, they should threaten to tattoo an image of the Spanish royal family onto the forehead of their prized possession to forever taint the player.

Thank you for reading 5 articles this month* Join now for unlimited access

Enjoy your first month for just £1 / $1 / €1

*Read 5 free articles per month without a subscription

Join now for unlimited access

Try first month for just £1 / $1 / €1