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Hiddink set to be named royal baby

Following his surprise resignation from Anzhi Makhachkala on Monday, Guus Hiddink has emerged as the leading candidate to be the new royal baby.

Hiddink, 66, will bring a wealth of managerial know-how and tactical sophistication to the position of third in line to the throne. His experiences at Anzhi, Chelsea and Real Madrid are thought to be ideal preparation for dealing with the twin demands of unreasonable public expectations and virtually limitless spending money.

'I really hope the rumours are true,' said local royalist Amelia Stothart. 'Guus is an inspirational coach and a proven winner, and plus, if you look at him, he's definitely a massive baby in a tracksuit. It's fate.'

Linked with the Barcelona job after his Anzhi resignation, Hiddink is yet to be officially named Prince Guus, though a scrum of journalists is presently encamped around his Chelsea townhouse in the expectation of an announcement. News channels have cleared their schedules to give up-to-the-minute updates on Hiddink's weight, health, and lineage.

Seasoned royal-watchers have warned however that Hiddink is far from a done deal, and that William and Kate could yet spring a surprise. Other prominent figures have been touted as potential royal babies, including Kevin, Prince Boateng, Matt, Duke of Northampton, and the controversial Robbie, Earle of ITV - as has a common baby secretly smuggled into the birthing suite in a warming pan.

If appointed, Hiddink is likely to lead the House of Windsor into the next World Cup, before taking on a lucrative gig with the royal family of Qatar.