Back of the Net's Tottenham shortlist: Who's getting hired?

FFT funny man John Foster runs the rule over the potential new candidates at White Hart Lane...

After Andre Villas-Boas’ sacking on Monday, we assess the Portuguese boss's possible replacements for the Tottenham hotseat. Who will Daniel Levy charge with leading Spurs back to their rightful home of fifth?

Fabio Capello: 4/1 

The square-jawed, square-eyed, square-toothed Italian square was shown the door by England in February last year, but quickly returned to management by taking charge of the vast irregular polygon known as Russia.
 
Why he will be the next Spurs manager:

  • Close to Tottenham’s technical director Franco Baldini. The pair worked together at Roma, Real Madrid, England, and on an anarchic Italian TV show for which they dressed as rubber chickens and intimidated members of the European Parliament.
  • Has always wondered who or what a hotspur is, and this is the perfect opportunity to find out.
  • Before emigrating to Tuscany in the 1950s, Capello’s family was originally from Arnos Grove.

Why he won’t:

  • Spurs board known to be keen on finding a young, fresh, positive manager, with smouldering eyes and bad-boy stubble, but who you could also imagine introducing to your parents.
  • Is looking forward to finally going to a World Cup without Matthew Upson.
  • Has become addicted to creamy, creamy borscht.

Michael Laudrup: 4/1 

The former Denmark maestro has a reputation for attractive football and savvy transfer dealings, although his hard green eyes speak of a tortured soul who has never known the forgiving warmth of a woman’s love.
 
Why he will:

  • Swansea’s victory in the League Cup last year and their impressive progress in the Europa League demonstrate Laudrup’s credentials in competitions that Tottenham have no intention of taking seriously.
  • Meticulous care and obsessive attention to every last detail of his hair.
  • Maybe he could sign Michu for £2m again.

Why he won’t:

  • Might struggle to make the leap from the bright lights of the Glamorgan Riviera to the sleepy backwater that is London.
  • Has always declared himself happy at a smaller club without the pressure and media scrutiny that comes from killing a man.
  • It worked out badly on Levy’s save of FM2014.

Harry Redknapp: 50/1

The hangdog former Spurs boss, who left under a cloud in 2012 after flirting with the England job while his side just missed out on the Champions League, would be a controversial re-appointment. He is currently restoring his reputation by hauling Queens Park Rangers out of the mess he previously hauled them into.
 
Why he will:

  • Knows how to get the most out of a tired, struggling, low-on-confidence Levy.
  • Would probably undertake a massive squad overhaul, which Spurs haven’t been doing much of recently.
  • Could be the man to get Erik Lamela to “f***ing run around a bit”.

Why he won’t:

  • Has a proven track record of sustained success at Tottenham Hotspur, but could he do it at Tottenham Hotspur?
  • Levy favours a continental-style management set-up, with the coach working underneath a technical director, while Redknapp prefers not to have people looking over his shoulder at how he’s handling training, tactics, transfers, and money. Especially money.
  • Has committed his future to QPR, and Harry Redknapp’s word is his bond.

Kharrizoth the Unholy: 66/1

The immortal half-demon would be an eye-catching choice, having built up a substantial reputation as Dread Paramount of the Blasted Realms over the past thousand years.
 
Why he will:

  • A proven leader. His armies defeated the Oakspear League at the Battle of Kalimark, bringing an end to the Time of Heroes and demonstrating the sort of no-nonsense attitude that the Spurs job requires.
  • Enemies tend to flee screaming from his approach, which is likely to give any team he manages the psychological edge.
  • Has Champions League experience with Panathinaikos.

Why he won’t:

  • May consider the Spurs job as a stepping stone to his ultimate goal of enslaving the universe.
  • Requires a twice-daily offering of virgin blood to prevent him returning to the Blasted Realms, which the board may consider too high-maintenance.
  • Is likely to be targeted by the Paladins of the Breaking Dawn, who defeated him at Castle Vyhirim and the Field of Eternal Night, so tracking him to N17 should be a doddle.

Alan Curbishley: 250/1

The forgotten man of English football, Curbishley has been waiting for another chance ever since he left... err... West Ham?... in... was it 2009? 2008? Because of... something?
 
Why he will:

  • The ideal candidate if Spurs decide to focus on stability, a return to basics, and consistent league finishes of between 9th and 14th place.
  • Has a massive “Tottenham 'til I die” tattoo covering most of his face. 
  • He’s available.

Why he won’t:

  • May struggle to command the the respect of the dressing room when they learn how much he likes Nickelback.
  • Name is an anagram of Cushy Ballerina.
  • In recent years has preferred to focus on building an army capable of usurping Khazziroth the Unholy, after which he will seize the crown of the Blasted Realms for himself.

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