Hopeless Hoops can't even beat each other at table-tennis, says Back of the Net's John Foster...
A Queens Park Rangers inter-squad table tennis tournament has ended without a winner, as every single member of the first team somehow managed to lose all their matches, despite playing against one another.
Manager Harry Redknapp admitted that the competition, intended as a morale-booster to lift spirits around Loftus Road, may not have had the desired effect, as 31 QPR players recorded a series of losses to end the tournament in joint-last place.
Ã¢ÂÂItÃ¢ÂÂs not what we were hoping for, to be honest,Ã¢ÂÂ Redknapp told reporters. Ã¢ÂÂI thought it would do the lads good to remember what it felt like to win, but I have no idea how it turned out like this.
Ã¢ÂÂI thought it was strange when nobody won the coin toss. Then when Djibril [CissÃÂ©] went 5-0 up against Anton [Ferdinand], I thought he was going to close it out, but a few wayward serves and suddenly heÃ¢ÂÂs staring defeat in the face.
Ã¢ÂÂI thought Anton might take advantage, but heÃ¢ÂÂs switched off completely and the chance is gone.
Ã¢ÂÂNobody deserved the victory, to be honest, but itÃ¢ÂÂs still a bit of a surprise that literally no-one actually managed to win the game, or for that matter any of the games.Ã¢ÂÂ
In a further blow to the Hoops' chances of avoiding the drop, Alejandro FaurlÃÂn aggravated a knee injury while stretching to reach Shaun Wright-PhillipsÃ¢ÂÂ sliced shot, and will be sidelined for up to six weeks. FaurlÃÂn was forced to forfeit the the match, but Wright-Phillips found himself unable to take advantage, and succumbed to a dispiriting defeat.
Redknapp praised the effort of Jamie Mackie and Adel Taraabt, who he said showed a great deal of effort in their series of losses, and singled out Ryan Nelsen for particular praise, calling him Ã¢ÂÂthe only player who maybe deserved a draw.Ã¢ÂÂ
The debacle recalls the infamous Derby County poker tournament of 2008, which saw no player draw a ranking hand in over 29 hours of play, and which ended with Steve Howard shooting Robbie Savage at point-blank range, wounding him in the hair.
Ã¢ÂÂItÃ¢ÂÂs not the result we wanted, but weÃ¢ÂÂre not going to dwell on all the defeats,Ã¢ÂÂ said club chairman Tony Fernandes. Ã¢ÂÂMaybe in January we can bring in some new faces who know how to win, or at least who have a decent high score in Angry Birds.
Ã¢ÂÂStill, on the plus side, the suspension of mathematical logic will give us the motivation to keep going long after weÃ¢ÂÂre relegated.Ã¢ÂÂ
Editor's note: this is satire and not a serious accusation - all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.
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