BotN: Nobody wins QPR ping-pong tournament

Hopeless Hoops can't even beat each other at table-tennis, says Back of the Net's John Foster...

A Queens Park Rangers inter-squad table tennis tournament has ended without a winner, as every single member of the first team somehow managed to lose all their matches, despite playing against one another.

Manager Harry Redknapp admitted that the competition, intended as a morale-booster to lift spirits around Loftus Road, may not have had the desired effect, as 31 QPR players recorded a series of losses to end the tournament in joint-last place.

“It’s not what we were hoping for, to be honest,” Redknapp told reporters. “I thought it would do the lads good to remember what it felt like to win, but I have no idea how it turned out like this.

“I thought it was strange when nobody won the coin toss. Then when Djibril [Cissé] went 5-0 up against Anton [Ferdinand], I thought he was going to close it out, but a few wayward serves and suddenly he’s staring defeat in the face.

“I thought Anton might take advantage, but he’s switched off completely and the chance is gone.

“Nobody deserved the victory, to be honest, but it’s still a bit of a surprise that literally no-one actually managed to win the game, or for that matter any of the games.”

In a further blow to the Hoops' chances of avoiding the drop, Alejandro Faurlín aggravated a knee injury while stretching to reach Shaun Wright-Phillips’ sliced shot, and will be sidelined for up to six weeks. Faurlín was forced to forfeit the the match, but Wright-Phillips found himself unable to take advantage, and succumbed to a dispiriting defeat.

Redknapp praised the effort of Jamie Mackie and Adel Taraabt, who he said showed a great deal of effort in their series of losses, and singled out Ryan Nelsen for particular praise, calling him “the only player who maybe deserved a draw.”

The debacle recalls the infamous Derby County poker tournament of 2008, which saw no player draw a ranking hand in over 29 hours of play, and which ended with Steve Howard shooting Robbie Savage at point-blank range, wounding him in the hair.

“It’s not the result we wanted, but we’re not going to dwell on all the defeats,” said club chairman Tony Fernandes. “Maybe in January we can bring in some new faces who know how to win, or at least who have a decent high score in Angry Birds.

“Still, on the plus side, the suspension of mathematical logic will give us the motivation to keep going long after we’re relegated.”

Editor's note: this is satire and not a serious accusation - all quotes are fictionalised. But you knew that, because you're not stupid.

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