The Chilly Weekend Predictions - Round 8

Saturday

Osasuna (19th) vs Betis (16th)

My Best Bullfighting Bunk-ups - In a Saturday night spectacular, Spain’s favourite uber-lipped celebrity slapper, Belén Esteban, discusses her favourite fornications with manly matadors.

Desert Island Discs - In an imaginative twist to the normal format, cretinous crooner, David Bisbal, is taken to a desert island, shot and buried. Along with everything he ever recorded.

The Big Wide World of Jesús Navas - This week, the constantly homesick Sevilla star plans a cheeky pop-over to Portugal. Before having an anxiety attack and thinking better of it.

For those Spain-based readers, all these shows are available to watch at 8pm on Saturday night. And all are preferable to sitting through Osasuna bore the balls off Betis.

LLL Prediction - Draw

Barcelona (4th) vs Almería (6th)

Those Catalan crazies who have never crossed paths with the former titan of Tottenham, Christian Gross - current manager of Basel - are bouncing about like a kangaroo on crack.

The Barcelona-barmy press have reacted to Pep’s perky 5-0 filleting of their Swiss-cheesed opponents with typical care and caution. Along with an odd case of mild hysteria.

“Things can’t be going any better,” gushed an easily pleased Josep Maria Casanovas in Sport on fourth-placed Barcelona.

“Guardiola’s team knows what it can do. For the first time in many years, the most important thing is the squad, not the team.”

For the first time since those dark, dark, days under Frank Rijkaard when they won the Double, perhaps, Josep?

LLL Prediction - Home win

Sunday

Recreativo (18th) vs Valencia (1st)

Having racked up the same number of points in seven games that Ronald Koeman managed in 22; squeezed 15 goals in 15 competitive games out of David Villa and persuaded the sick-note specialist, Vicente, that he isn’t suffering from a flesh eating virus, going down with scurvy, or having his DNA reverse-engineered by the Ruskies, Unai Emery is set to take on his biggest challenge to date - getting Rubén Baraja and David Albeda to make nice.

The two footballing feuders go together like Guti and Goethe but the miracle man of Mestalla is going to try and get them to kiss and make-up. Quite literally.

LLL Prediction - Away win

Getafe (9th) vs Valladolid (13th)

La Liga Loca is nothing but predictable. Nothing and predictable, on some days, so it will come as no surprise to regular readers that the blog is just a few days away from its annual, the-Copa-del-rey-has-had-all-spark-and-surprise-hammered-out-of-it-by-the-numbskulls-in-charge rant.

But as an early taste of what is to come, La Liga Loca can reveal the cunning plan to persuade Getafe fans - a dwindling number, anyway - to watch their two-legged cup clash against Osasuna at the Coliseum. The sensational scheme is to have a 10pm kick-off time. On Wednesday night.

In one stunning swoop those bungling bigwigs eliminate potential supporters who a) don’t fancy freezing to death, b) have jobs, c) don’t want to spend the night sleeping in the stadium due to the lack of public transport.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Sevilla (2nd) vs Malaga (7th)

Sevilla will barely get a mention round these parts until Manolo Jiménez stops complaining about his injured strikers or José Maria del Nido says something completely insane.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Mallorca (12th) vs Espanyol (10th)

Fight! Fight! Fight! Mallorcat’s last remaining decent player, Juan Arango, has added some spark to this encounter which was looking flatter than a beanbag in Maniche’s mansion.

The lone wolf of the Ono Estadi has called out the opposition strike force and suggested that they may be big fat cheats.

“Luis Garcia and Tamudo are two very good players,” mused the Mallorca man, “but they play-act a lot in penalty area. You have to watch them.”

LLL Prediction - Home win

Deportivo (11th) vs Sporting (15th)

3,000 spunky Sporting fans are reportedly heading to La Coruña in a fleet of coaches to take in this dull-fest against Deportivo. La Liga Loca suggests keeping the engine running for the inevitable five minute fleeing from what will be a rain-soaked Riazor.

LLL Prediction - Draw

Numancia (20th) vs Racing (14th)

After the roaring success of Wednesday’s cheeky footballing probe it’s quiz-time once again. And on a subject not even remotely related to these two rotten relegation candidates.

At what point did those eagle-eyed geniuses at Marca spot that Real Madrid needed to find a suitable replacement for David Beckham on the right-wing?

a) As soon as he announced his departure for LA Galaxy.b) At end of the last campaign, when they pointed out Bernd Schuster could not rely on Sergio Ramos running the entire flank on his own.c) Today.

LLL Prediction - Draw

Villarreal (3rd) vs Atlético Madrid (8th)

The Calderón-caring goodwill generated by the Atlético-Liverpool love-fest on Wednesday night lasted a mere 24 hours in Spain. The biggest issue now rearing its ugly head over the rojiblancos is the news of the sacking of not Javier Aguirre, but Sebastian Truyols.

Poor old Seba, one of the club’s physios, made the fatal mistake of asking Iker Casillas for his shirt at the end of another defeat by Real Madrid last Saturday.

“It was inappropriate conduct,” huffed an Atlético flunky on the team’s decision to deprive Truyols of his livelihood.

La Liga Loca would like to ask if it was as inappropriate as cooking the club’s books as club president, Enrique Cerezo was once found guilty of? Or allowing the display of a banner praising Jorg Haider? Or....

LLL Prediction - Home win

Real Madrid (5th) vs Athletic Bilbao (17th)

After a blissful, but boring, few weeks of silence, Ramón Calderón could no longer contain himself and walked out into the media-minefield to talk to the Bernabeu faithful this week. And insult them too, as it turned out.

The Bernabeu bigwig was in the middle of praising the efforts of the Ultra-Sur, “it’s not fair to generalise about them. They sing and support their team,” when he compared them unfavourably with some of the other fans sitting in the stands.

“There are people (alongside the presidential balcony) who call me “******” and “*** ** * *****”," complained a rattled Ramón.

So what else is a blog to do during a game, aside from watch Fernando Gago pass the ball off the pitch, is La Liga Loca’s reply.

LLL Prediction - Home win

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