DJ Pep prepares his Coldplay platters
Most football writers havenÃ¢ÂÂt been within a million miles of a professional sports team - including LLL, aside from four trophy-filled years in JuveÃ¢ÂÂs backline - so when it comes to talking about the game they tend to be packing more baloney than a corpulent New Yorker.
People shouldnÃ¢ÂÂt read, never mind believe, a single word that these attention-seeking simpletons spout. You shouldnÃ¢ÂÂt even be reading this blog, really.
Instead, you should be doing something more worthwhile, like investigating which of the three political parties in the UK elections promising change, real change, or change you can trust should win your deserving support.
LLL, for one, had been pondering what the heckety-heck would happen at the Camp Nou on Wednesday night. But then it remembered it had predicted Barcelona would thrash Inter Milan 3-0 in the first leg, so promptly gave up on the forecasting notion with the swift realisation that it didnÃ¢ÂÂt really have a clue about anything.
Instead, the blog turned its rather paltry brain power into considering what would happen after WednesdayÃ¢ÂÂs Champions League game and how the result-to-come could impact the Spanish title race.
A defeat for Barcelona could either see Pep Guardiola upping the Coldplay ante by whacking a supercharged Viva la Vida (Soulwax Remix) on the CD player, with the instruction that all of BarÃÂ§aÃ¢ÂÂs opponents in la Liga are to be hit with shovels and buried alive - in a footballing sense - to stop Real Madrid from winning the title.
There again, perhaps losing to The Translator could trigger a mental breakdown in the Catalan camp, with the Barcelona dressing room spending the next three weeks listening to The Scientist on repeat play.
ItÃ¢ÂÂs a similar scenario for a Barcelona victory over MourinhoÃ¢ÂÂs men. A Catalan comeback could inspire BarÃÂ§a to four victories from four in la Primera and ensure another trophyless year for Real Madrid.
Or it could just as easily see the charitable Barcelona players handing the league title to their rivals with defeat to Villarreal on Saturday, in the same way one would hand out a soggy slice of sandwich to a sorry-looking swan.
"Trouble? Don't Panic! Everything's Not Lost! We Never Change!"
The pre-match bluster gives no sign as to what is going to happen in the Camp Nou.
Poorly designed T-shirts about skin falling off and inspiring front pages and editorials from the Catalan press have been all the rage this week with Sport calling the Champions League contest Ã¢ÂÂThe Greatest Show on EarthÃ¢ÂÂ and Ã¢ÂÂThe Match of the CenturyÃ¢ÂÂ - happily ignoring last yearÃ¢ÂÂs final in the process. Ã¢ÂÂThe Camp Nou will turn into a pressure wave to push the team through,Ã¢ÂÂ predicts the Catalan sports daily, crossing its fingers and hoping that the crowd refrain from booing their own players just for one match.
Mundo DeportivoÃ¢ÂÂs headline on Wednesday has an orgasmic Ã¢ÂÂYes! Yes! Yes! We will come back!Ã¢ÂÂ on the front cover with some poor trainee hack having to do a minute-by-minute report on the dayÃ¢ÂÂs events on their tÃ¢ÂÂinternet site.
All this fuss and bother has certainly tickled JosÃÂ© Mourinho, who has noted BarÃÂ§aÃ¢ÂÂs Ã¢ÂÂobsessionÃ¢ÂÂ with being in the final at the Bernabeu.
Ã¢ÂÂI canÃ¢ÂÂt believe that the best club in the world have to go to war or make such a drama about everything. ItÃ¢ÂÂs only a game of football,Ã¢ÂÂ smirked the Inter manager in response to the nonsense spouted by the likes of Gerard PiquÃÂ©, who revealed that Ã¢ÂÂwe want the Inter players to hate their jobs for 90 minutes.Ã¢ÂÂ
Pep Guardiola, the man caught in the middle of the madness, simply remarked that he Ã¢ÂÂintends to enjoyÃ¢ÂÂ the game - with, at his side in case of any eventuality, all of ColdplayÃ¢ÂÂs back catalogue.
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