The Hard-Hitting Weekend Predictions - Round 22

Saturday

Sporting (13th) vs Valencia (3rd)

La Liga Loca has never understood a footballer’s inability to hold two thoughts in their tiny, newt-sized brains at any given time.

We mere mortals have to juggle such notions as getting out of bed, not getting fired, what to do if that happens, what to have for tea, whether watching Spain’s favourite bike, Belen Esteban, humiliate herself on “Strictly Come Dancing” is worth enduring the remaining 170 minutes of the programme, all in the space of a millisecond.

Footballers, meanwhile, get blown into a hurricane of dazed confusion if they have to both play a game of football and contemplate the chance of earning 100 grand a week at an entirely different club to one they are already turning out for.

David Villa is so mentally challenged that the talk of a move to Real Madrid or Barcelona ruined his Confederations Cup, last summer, apparently.

However, the international won’t let that happen at this year’s World Cup that the future Real Madrid Karim Benzema replacement fully intends to enjoy.

“I’m going to control everything that comes out of my mouth,” Villa ingeniously stated on Wednesday.

LLL Prediction - Away win

"Oh balls, I forgot to set the video for Strictly Come Dancing..."

Xerez (20th) vs Real Madrid (2nd)

There are some simple-minded souls out there who may be thinking that Real Madrid not having the best of times in recent years was due to having six presidents, countless managers and the likes of Pablo García plodding around the pitch.

Well, mad Madridista and AS columnist Tomás Roncero has happily taken time out to correct such foolish notions by blaming the election of Angel María Villar - he of the ‘Villarato’ pro-Barcelona refereeing conspiracy - as head of the Spanish FA in 2004, for Real only managing two league titles in that time.

“This is reality,” burbles Roncero.

“The Villarato is a system of rigid self-censorship. The referees know that if you make a mistake that favours Barça then you’ll be OK.”

LLL Prediction - Away win

Villarreal (10th) vs Athletic (7th)

The man with the 170 BPM heart when things get a little bit fruity out on the pitch has decided to stay for another year of crazy coronary action at Athletic Bilbao.

The Andalusian coach, Joaquín Caparrós, has decided that the freezing temperatures and snow currently being enjoyed in the Basque Country are very much to his taste, and has renewed his current contract with the San Mamés club, a contract that was due to expire in June.

Despite AS reporting that the deal was only finalised when the club’s bigwigs agreed not to sell their best players and invest in some new ones over the summer, Caparrós says that his signature came with no strings attached.

“Of course I didn’t demand any kind of conditions” snapped ‘Jokin’ to probing hacks.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Sunday

Espanyol (14th) vs Deportivo (6th)

It seems that those mischief making MPs in the UK were missing a trick or two when claiming expenses from hardworking, right-thinking tax payers for their moats to be cleaned and ducks to be housed in the comfort that they deserved.

Just look at the fine excuse offered up by one politician for an enormous freebie in this week’s News from Sweden, courtesy of thelocal.se.

“Fredrick Federley passed the buck to Ursula, his transvestite alter ego, when put on the spot for accepting an all expenses paid trip to Gran Canaria.

The politician told newspaper Aftonbladet that his trip in early January was sponsored by around 10 different companies, including a Norwegian budget airline.

Pressed by the newspaper on why he had accepted the paid trip, despite claims that he generally refused offers from the airline industry, Federley replied:

'Well, this was pretty much tied to my drag personality, Ursula. It's not me as a member of parliament doing this; it's more a case of me travelling as my drag personality'."

LLL Prediction - Draw

Valladolid (18th) vs Zaragoza (17th)

Today’s weather from La Liga Loca reports that temperatures could be as low as -5 when this game kicks off on Sunday evening.

And that’s even more reason for fans to not bother watching it.

LLL Prediction - Draw

Getafe (8th) vs Almería (15th)

Stung by fierce criticism last week from La Liga Loca that both Almería and Valladolid were a complete wastes of space and deserving of relegation, the coach of the former, Juan Manuel Lillo, has hit back strongly by arguing that Almería is a team that has not been in the relegation zone for a single week, since being promoted to the top flight in 2007.

Indeed, Almería have managed to finish in 7th and 11th in their two seasons in la Primera, putting this blog firmly in its place on the naughty step.

However, Lillo did admit that Almería does “lack a little bit of identity.”

LLL Prediction - Home win

Racing (11th) vs Málaga (16th)

For the briefest of moments it looked like Racing were to be offered the chance of clawing back their 4-0 Copa del Rey semi-final deficit against Atlético Madrid from the first leg.

In what would have been one of their finest wobbles in history, the Rojiblancos put Racing into a 1-0 lead after just two minutes thanks to an own goal from midfielder, Juan Valera.

But sadly for the Cantabrians it wasn’t to be with the capital city club finishing the tie as 6-3 winners.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Sevilla (4th) vs Osasuna (8th)

Despite being completely outplayed by Getafe in both semi-final legs, Sevilla have squeezed their way into another Copa del Rey final with a 2-1 aggregate win.

The first big question to be answered now is where the southern side will be playing their second final appearance in four years.

The Sevilla president has quite rightly poo-poo’ed the initial idea of the Vicente Calderón, the home of the team’s opponents in May, Atlético Madrid.

“We will not be playing the game there if Atleti qualify,” blustered José Maria del Nido, on Thursday, “they know the pitch and the dimensions.”

However, it appears that the Bernabeu is going to be the most likely option for May’s clash offering the wonderful opportunity of seeing Florentino’s face as Barcelona lift the Champions League trophy and Atleti win the cup in Real Madrid’s delightful home.

The other problem for the Spanish FA is the date of the tie, May 26.

Due to the rather late scheduling of the clash, it is entirely possible that the final could be without those players competing in the World Cup, due to FIFA regulation 1170 stating that all domestic competitions must be completed by the May 24 to allow 18 days recovery time ahead of the big South Africa kick-off.

Another fine mess that those running the game in Spain have got themselves into, it would appear.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Atlético (12th) vs Barcelona (1st)

La Liga Loca brings two pieces of good news for Barcelona fans concerned that their side’s complete lack of defence will lead to the Dream Boys’ third successive league loss in the Vicente Calderón.

1) Luis Perea and Tomas Ujfalusi are still Atlético Madrid players.2) Quique Sánchez Flores’ words after the rojiblancos 3-2 defeat against Racing, a result that still ensured Atleti’s qualification for the Copa del Rey:

“The players are professionals,” deadpanned the Atlético boss without a hint of a giggle when asked if they will be taking it easy during Sunday’s tie.

LLL Prediction - Away win

Monday

Tenerife (19th) vs Mallorca (4th)

To be quite honest, La Liga Loca is usually sick to death of footie by the time Monday rolls around, especially if it has had to endure a Real Madrid home game or more than six minutes of watching Deportivo.

This is why Monday evening was always cinema night for the blog and the gals - a time to forget about all those dastardly evil doers handing Barcelona another league title.

For that reason, the Spanish league moving Tenerife vs Mallorca to 9pm on Monday evening isn’t going to make the fear-changing La Liga Loca tinker with its schedule.

So whilst these two teams battle it out in the Canaries, La Liga Loca will be making the tough decision on whether to take in the hard-hitting Precious, the hard-hitting Hurt Locker or the hard-hitting The Prophet.

Considering the blog has recently endured the hard-hitting but brilliant The Road, there may a doom-and-gloom theme in next week’s ramblings from la Liga unless someone in the blogosphere can recommend something different.

LLL Prediction - Home win

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