Jose Mourinho's Greatest Hits
Admit it: you miss Jose Mourinho.
Last week's fleeting return with Inter was like a favourite uncle dropping in on Boxing Day: full of wit, stories and presents, then dashing off before tea, leaving you looking around at the same boring faces as before and wishing he'd stayed a while longer.
Mourinho's love of the limelight is seen by some as vanity. His players, though, love it: it removes them from the pressure of the spotlight.
And instead of mumbled platitudes, fans are rewarded with pith, sarcasm and thought-provoking soundbites which fill in all those boring days between games.
In tribute to the man who could be loved or hated but seldom ignored, we present 10 of his most controversial moments. And it doesn't even include that Old Trafford touchline sprint. Or the time he was arrested trying to keep his dog out of quarantine...
February 2005 Mourinho wins his first trophy with Chelsea, but the Carling Cup victory is marred by his own sending-off after his team's late equaliser.
With Steven Gerrard Ã¢ÂÂ a Chelsea transfer target the previous summer Ã¢ÂÂ having unwittingly levelled matters with an nown goal, The Special One strolls down the touchline past aghast Liverpool fans, finger pressed to his lips in a silence gesture.
He later claims he wasnÃ¢ÂÂt taunting Liverpool fans, but gesturing to the media who had criticised his side, telling them to Ã¢ÂÂput their pens in their pockets.Ã¢ÂÂ
Presumably after tapping them thoughtfully against their pursed lips.
Mourinho (left) gets his marching orders at the Millennium
March 2005 Mourinho accuses referee Anders Frisk and Barcelona manager Frank Rijkaard of a clandestine meeting during the half-time interval of their Champions League last 16 first leg.
He claims that he was Ã¢ÂÂnot surprisedÃ¢ÂÂ to see Didier Drogba sent off for a dubious second booking, and breaks FIFA rules by preventing his players from speaking to the media after the game.Mourinho receives a fine and a two-match ban (it's later claimed that this may have been partially circumvented by assistant Rui Faria wearing an earpiece under his bobble hat, while some say Mourinho hid in the dressing room and escaped in a laundry bin).
Frisk subsequently receives death threats, and Ã¢ÂÂ having already that season been struck by a coin at Roma Ã¢ÂÂ decides to retire. Mourinho is labelled the Ã¢ÂÂenemy of footballÃ¢ÂÂ by overexcited UEFA refereeÃ¢ÂÂs chief Volker Roth.June 2005 Scandal! Mourinho is fined ÃÂ£200,000 after meeting Arsenal employee Ashley Cole in a hotel back in January. The fine is later reduced to ÃÂ£75,000.October 2005 Mourinho labels Arsene Wenger a voyeur, suggesting the Frenchman has an unhealthy obsession with Chelsea.
Ã¢ÂÂI think he wants my job,Ã¢ÂÂ Mourinho says about the Arsenal manager, who threatens legal action. Mourinho later apologises for the remark.December 2006 Jose has a touchline bust-up with Everton boss David Moyes after Andy Johnson collides with substitute goalkeeper Hilario.
The Portuguese insinuates the striker has dived and later labels him Ã¢ÂÂuntrustworthyÃ¢ÂÂ. Again, the manager apologises after being threatened with legal action.
"I know you're there Arsene"
March 2007 Mourinho calls Mike Riley a puta Ã¢ÂÂ Portuguese for bitch Ã¢ÂÂ during the half-time break of an FA Cup quarter-final against Spurs
Jose claims it is a word he uses regularly and goes on to call Mike Riley a Ã¢ÂÂgood referee.Ã¢ÂÂ No action is taken, and everybody carries on like grown-ups.
August 2008 It doesn't take long for Mourinho to bring his brand of newsworthiness to his new job at Inter.
After Juventus coach (and Chelsea predecessor) Claudio Ranieri says "unlike Mourinho I donÃ¢ÂÂt need to win to be sure about what I am doing," the Portuguese blasts back in his usual style.
"Ranieri was right, I do need to win things to be sure of what I am doing. ThatÃ¢ÂÂs why I've won so many trophies. By contrast he has the mentality that winning isnÃ¢ÂÂt crucial and at nearly 70 years old he's just won a Super Cup and other small tournaments. He is too old to change his mentality.Ã¢ÂÂ
The Italian media, used to respecting age (although Raniari is actually only 56), react furiously. Corriere dello Sport calls the Inter boss Ã¢ÂÂarrogant and offensive. Mourinho has responded to a nudge with a punch in the face.Ã¢ÂÂ
To quote children everywhere: "He started it."
October 2008 Catania CEO Pietro Lo Monaco takes the unusual step of suggesting Mourinho should have his "teeth smashed in".
This comes after a 2-1 victory at Catania prompts the Portuguese to say Inter "deserved to win 5-1" and that "had I played in goal in place of Julio Cesar, nothing would have changed."
Outraged, Lo Monaco says Mourinho has offended the whole of Catania and should "keep his mouth shut" or "take his beautiful suitcase back to his own country".
Lo Monaco is suspended for 40 days, while Mourinho says he has only ever heard of Monaco as a place for a Grand Prix.
"You want a piece of me... I'll take you all on"
March 2009 Mourinho launches a scathing attack on the Italian media after a 3-3 draw with Roma in which Inter are awarded a debatable penalty.
Replays of Mario Balotelli tumbling over a challenge are pored over in obsessive detail and, although a consensus isn't reached, Juventus coach Claudio Ranieri predictably agrees with Roma boss Luciano Spalletti and captain Daniele de Rossi that the youngster dived.
Noting Ranieri's punditry, Jose isn't jolly.
Ã¢ÂÂI donÃ¢ÂÂt like intellectual prostitution, I like intellectual honesty,Ã¢ÂÂ he says. "There has been great intellectual manipulation over the last few days to manipulate public opinion. We haven't talked about a Roma side with great players, lots of players I wanted to have with me, that will finish the season with zero titles.
"We haven't talked about Milan, who will finish the season with zero titles. We haven't talked about Juventus, who have won lots of points with refereeing mistakes." No, and now we're not talking about your players either, we're talking about you...
March 2009 After his Inter Milan side lose 2-0 in the Champions League last 16, there are allegations (which he strenuously denies) that Mourinho slapped a Manchester United fan outside Old Trafford.
You can supply your own punchline for this one.