Maradona madness and fake football

Further evidence that Diego Maradona may still be as high as a kite was produced on Tuesday, with Marca revealing that the rotund rebel has recommended that Bernd Schuster be the next manager of Boca Juniors. Delirious Diego is under the impression that a man who reacts to pressure as a club president does to a tax return, would be ideally suited to a league where they are likely to set fire to his moustache, should he lose a match. "Schuster is tactically perfect, as he was as a player", cooed his former Barcelona team-mate admiringly, before he watched the German coach stick Mahamadou Diarra at left back, on Saturday night. Unfortunately, for Maradona's marvelous dream to come true, barmy Bernd may have to be tranquilised and shipped to Argentina, over the summer, as he is continuing to crack up in entertaining style. At Friday's press conference, the Teutonic titan lost what little of the plot he still possessed when asked about de Guzmán's now tedious 'no sex for a year' promise. "You think the Real Madrid press room is the right place for such questions?", blasted Bernd at the cowering hack. Schuster then defended his recent record by announcing that, "if you look at other big teams and the career of their managers, you see that in no case do they win titles in their first season". Apart from Fabio Capello. Or Jose Mourinho. Marca have interviewed Djair da Cunha, father and agent of Werder Bremen striker, Diego. Having failed to get any assurance that the Brazilian is desperate to play for the greatest club in the world, the despairing journalistic minion asked, "won't he like the sun of Spain more than the cold of Germany?" - which is about as in depth as Predrag Mijatovic gets when signing a player. More fun and games at Barcelona, with the club's medical team denying that there is anything wrong with Ronaldinho, despite Frank Rijkaard's constant claims. "There is no tendon or muscle injury", fumed an irate official declaration from the desperate doctors. With this ringing in his ears, Ronaldinho took to the training pitches, on Monday, to prove to all his doubters that he was ready and willing to lead his side to the Copa del Rey final - but then thought better off it by retiring after nine exhausting minutes. AS is reporting suspicions that Giovani may also be a work-shy malingerer. Barcelona advised over the weekend that the Mexican had a fractured bone in his foot, but one of the guests on Catalan talk show 'El Rondo' advised that, "it hasn't stopped him dancing away with his girlfriend". A double dumping is on the cards in Valencia, this week, with sporting director, Miguel Angel Ruiz, also on the brink of being moved out of Mestalla. For those struggling to keep up, Ruiz was brought in last summer to replace Amedeo Carboni and work alongside Quique Sánchez Flores. But Soler then replaced Quique with Koeman. And then sacked himself, to be replaced with Agustin Morera. Unsurprisingly, AS are reporting that Valencia no longer have the money to fire Ronald Koeman, something they have on Friday's 'to-do' list. David Villa for one couldn't give two hoots for any of this managerial malarkey. "It's not my problem. I'm not worried", sniffed the striker when questioned on his boss' precarious position. Sevilla president, José Marie Del Nido, travelled to Manchester on Monday - coincidentally, the city where most of his players will end up, next season. Del Nido was there to hand over the UEFA cup to Michel Platini. "Only those who have won things have to give them back," assured the Frenchman as he wrestled the trophy out of the clutches of the weeping Sevilla bigwig. Fans of Hércules of the Galician third division are no longer taunting all and sundry after January's 3-0 thrashing of local rivals, Cecebre. And that's because the game never took place.

It seems that referee, Enrique Blanco, made the whole match up and submitted a fake report after pressure from both sides. Cecebre did not have enough players to fulfill the fixture and were concerned about a points deduction and fine, whilst Hércules fancied the idea of free points and a chance to clear a couple of suspensions. Having been caught out, Blanco now faces a three year ban with everyone else involved in a whole heap of trouble.

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