Monday’s Bad Day, Good Day - Round One

Bad DayBernd SchusterBig Bernado stopped answering La Liga Loca’s texts a while back. There’s only so long someone can tolerate “Drop Raúl! DROP HIM! DROP HIM!” popping up on their phone 50 times a day. The blog feels like texting him again to invite him for an ice cream. Or perhaps a day out at Alton Towers. The Real Madrid manager looks like he could do with some happy times.

"No more texts. Please, no more of the ***** texts..." 

Despite his fine joke about bribing referees - which will probably only encourage Sport and its ilk - Bernd looked even more glum than normal on Sunday evening. Having lost yet again at the Riazor, Schuster sighed that during the game,“I didn’t see a single striker on the bench. I looked to my left and there were none.” Despite having yelled into his president’s face “I need a striker!” at every opportunity, Aphex Twin ‘Come to Daddy’ style, Ramón Calderón has been too dumb / witless / pompous to get the message. “A signing now would be an improper improvisation for Real Madrid” said the Bernabeu big wig on Sunday. No Ramón, it would be quite a good idea. Pep GuardiolaThe footballing press on Monday blames Arsenal-style fannying about for Sunday’s defeat. Pep himself puts his managerial finger on the players failing to do what they were supposed to do. La Liga Loca reckons it was all down to the cardigan. Ever since Frank Rijkaard swapped his cool as a khaki-clad cucumber jackets and opted for boating blazers, Barcelona have been a bit minging. So it was no wonder when Pep stood on the touchline wearing a Marks and Sparks cardy, that Barcelona crashed to a slightly embarrassing defeat. Let’s face it, someone who looks like they have been sandblasted by Lacoste is hardly going to be effective with the backside-booting scariness that is supposed to be his core skill. Heaven knows what will happen if Pep goes for the deck shoes and jersey over the shoulder look in two weeks time.

Pep looking menacing in his pretty cardy 

SevillaA performance as flat an Ikea sun lounger after a game of musical chairs with Maniche. That’s what Manolo Jiménez claims anyway, after what had been a sparkling pre-season for his side. “It was one point lost,” moaned the Sevilla manager after their 1-1 draw away at Racing Santander. Athletic BilbaoLa Liga Loca predicted a riot if things didn’t go well on Sunday for the home team. And that’s exactly what happened - apart from the car burning. A 3-1 opening loss to Almería in San Mamés brought more cries of pain, anguish, despair and abuse than an Andy and Lucas concert. Athletic’s ‘great step forward’ which consisted of flogging their best striker has yet to bear fruit. If it's a fruit-bearing step, that is. Real BetisThose long, luxurious summer days seem so far away, don’t they Betis fans? Another start of the season, another failure to beat Recreativo and their star signing, Mehmet Aurelio, hobbling off midway through the first half. Happy days are here again.ZaragozaLa Liga Loca is going to soil itself from time to time this season. Not in the “Run! Pedja is coming!” way but by getting down and dirty in the Segunda to track the progress of Zaragoza. The first report is not a good one - a side containing Ayala, Sergio, Arizmendi, Ewerthon and Oliveira lost 2-1 to Levante. TV ViewersThe TV wars are back and nastier than ever. Two matches were blacked out for PPV customers this weekend - the opening Espanyol vs Valladolid clash and Sunday’s Athletic Bilbao vs Almería. As usual, Monday’s papers are squabbling over whose fault it is in the AVS vs Mediapro bust up. And as usual, very little concern is being shown over those who were ripped off by the blackout. And very little concern for how it is affecting the promotion of the league internationally. Little men and their little egos continue to rule the footballing roost in Spain.Oh. And how in Lucifer’s name did La Sexta’s Andrés Montes manage to get even more annoying and incompetent over the summer?Good DayAtlético MadridThe blog is afraid that this whole ‘Altético Madrid, really good' business is going to take a while to get used to. It should start sinking in by November.But on a non-match point, the blog notes that not a single Spanish born player was in the rojiblanco starting line-up. Which made Vicente del Bosque’s visit to the Calderón rather pointless. GetafeHa! How’d d’ya like them apples newbies! An excited Sporting were all spick and span as they looked forward to their first day back in the big league after a 10-year absence.That’s before the all-conquering, footballing death machine Getafe turned to rip them to shreds and discard their innards all over the gardens of Gíjon in a 2-1 win. “Die, puny scum!” roared Coliseum boss Victor Muñoz in the post match conference. ‘Laudrup is dead, long live Victor!’ says La Liga Loca. Deportivo“They didn’t play better than Madrid, but always had more resources and alternatives,” noted Marca on Deportivo’s performance on Sunday night. “They’re like Kryptonite to the Whites” writes a crestfallen Tomas Roncero. It was another famous night for the temporarily Super-Depor. Not only did they beat Real Madrid, yet again, but it was also announced that Riki is out for the next month. A good night’s work all round.

Super-Depor beat Real at the Riazor, as usual 

NumanciaThe Sorians win over Barcelona on Sunday night has set the lazier football writer types off on Hovis style, plucky players, oh a budget eight thousand times smaller, ‘look, the goal-scorer eats coal for tea articles’ in Monday’s press.But look, Numancia’s budget is 13 million compared to Barcelona’s 380 million! And goal-scorer Mario just gets 125,000 euros a year. And eats coal for tea!EspanyolWith the sun on his back and an Espanyol win in his heart, Paul from Barcelona is a happy man. Let’s hear the latest perico news from the Montjuic.“After a very nervous pre-season Espanyol started with a victory. A ‘well done you lot’ to a hundred Valladolid fans who made the trip to see their team start quite well. The red-tighted goalkeeper - yes you read that correctly - brought much amusement to your correspondent. 30 degrees in Barcelona in August!

Wait till he gets to January in Valladolid (very very cold) and he takes to the field in a Snorkel parka and with sleigh dogs. Why am I telling you this? Well the first half was rubbish, that's why.

The second half was much better, Luis Garcia did one thing all match and that was score the only goal of the game, in the third minute.

Luis Garcia sends Paul from Barcelona into raptures

He cut in from the left past two defenders then buried his shot into the far corner of the goal. Not literally of course. Yellow card offence having a spade on the field of play.The game got better, De La Peña went on mazy dribbles, Tamudo could and should have made it two. Espanyol's only major problems came in injury time when, in a scene from The Alamo, Valladolid pushed everyone forward. They hit the post and Kameni made a great fingertip save.One adult and two kittens was this week's stray cat count.At time of writing Numancia are winning, Please, please hold out.”Paul, Barcelona.

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