Nothing learned from Slovakia-England, terrified journalists realise

Journalists across the country are in a state of panic after England’s win over Slovakia. Back of the Net explain why

Football journalists and bloggers have been forced to admit that not a single thing can be learned from England’s 1-0 win in Slovakia, prompting a profound crisis in the industry.

Within minutes of the final whistle in Trnava, it became clear that something was dreadfully wrong as journalists sat down to faithfully report to their readers the didactic value of the World Cup qualifier between Slovakia and England.

“After every game of football played I feel it is my duty to ensure that the public are aware of the five nuggets of truth that have been gleaned during the 90 minutes,” a blogger told FFT.

“But when I sat down at my computer it suddenly dawned on me that humanity’s great journey hadn’t been advanced in any single respect by the game of football I had just witnessed.

“We learned that England can steal a scrappy 1-0 win over a 10-man middle ranking European side, I suppose, but we already knew that. Everyone already knew that.”

Sam Allardyce, Slovakia 0-1 England

Editor S.O.S.

Editors across the United Kingdom received frantic entreaties for assistance, but after hours of soul-searching also came up blank.

“A football game has been played, for crying out loud, we must have learned exactly five things,” an editor told FFT. “We always learn five things.

“We learned that Allardyce looks like a bouncer at Riley’s. No, wait, we already knew that.

“I guess we learned where Trnava is? No, wait, it was an important Gothic centre as early as the Middle Ages. I shudder to think of the abuse we’d get on our comments section if we tried to ignore its Clarist, Franciscan and Dominican monastic complexes.

“This is a dark day for football journalism.”

Writers have been encouraged to try to change their focus to ‘Five Best/Five Worst’ performances during Slovakia-England, but may need to settle for a ‘21 Average/1 Skrtel’ piece instead.

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