Before we kick off, itÃ¢ÂÂs best to mention that this isnÃ¢ÂÂt a story in regards to a midnight misdemeanour from saucy Sergio, so the FourFourTwo lawyers can wipe away the coffee that has just been sprayed over their monitors.
Instead, itÃ¢ÂÂs the traditional Vin Diesel, Boot Camp, hardcore Ã¢ÂÂnew regimeÃ¢ÂÂ piece that is trotted out in a timely manner by the loyal local press whenever Barcelona or Real Madrid get their mitts on a new manager.
The standard operating procedure in this scenario, for the likes of Marca and Sport, is to suggest that life under the previous coach was dilettante and delightful - a combination of croquet and card games, siestas and sunbathing, hula hoops and whor... Horlicks.
When Pep Guardiola was appointed by Joan Laporta, King of Catalunya, to take over his political side project, the Catalan press dutifully reported that the cardigan-wearing coach had forced the players to eat together, made them remove their oversized headphones and dug up the crazy-golf course that had been installed in the dressing room.
"No more crazy golf lads... because it's Karaoke time!"
And itÃ¢ÂÂs a similar theme for Juande Ramos, who has now celebrated a whole week in charge at Real, making him the fifth longest serving coach in Bernabeu history.
If Madrid were looking for a scruple-less sap, a fawning fellow, to write exactly what they tell them without a hint of a dissent, then they found their man in MarcaÃ¢ÂÂs Roberto GÃÂ³mez.
On Wednesday, the columnist takes over a whole page to detail how the most regal, new and improved side in the world will be going about their Bernabeu business from now on.
Ã¢ÂÂJuande wants all his team to celebrate their goals together,Ã¢ÂÂ writes GÃÂ³mez, without noting whether if, a) they havenÃ¢ÂÂt been doing this in the past or, b) it will a make a blind bit of difference.
Other brilliant innovations, which are sure to frustrate the footballers if they turn out to be true, include the recruitment of a dietician (Real Madrid, moving into the 1990s), and the decree that players will be forced to eat together after home matches.
Over in Catalunya and Johan Cruyff has caused a bit of a to-do by going against the grain in regards to the entertaining mauling of Messi on Saturday night by arguing that it was fair game.
"That'll learn you for being so flippin' good..."
The Dutchman wrote in La Vanguardia that the mini-magician was Ã¢ÂÂasking for itÃ¢ÂÂ by playing much of the match in the centre of the pitch where the referee was likely to be more lenient on strong tackles.
Cruyff then went on to support MadridÃ¢ÂÂs less-than-tingly tactics by commenting that Ã¢ÂÂif they had gone out attacking then we would have scored six against them.Ã¢ÂÂ
Villarreal goalkeeper, Diego LÃÂ³pez, has decided to blame his teamÃ¢ÂÂs recent fumbling football performances by suggesting that the men in the middle do not share the rest of SpainÃ¢ÂÂs big love for the Yellow Submarine.
Ã¢ÂÂWeÃ¢ÂÂre fed up with referees, they donÃ¢ÂÂt respect us,Ã¢ÂÂ fumed LÃÂ³pez as he looked back at the weekend's 1-0 defeat to Sevilla - a loss assisted by an offside goal say the Villarreal camp.
Ã¢ÂÂDidumsÃ¢ÂÂ argues an unsympathetic La Liga Loca.