The Reyes-Kicking Weekend Predictions - Round 26


Getafe (8th) vs Mallorca (4th)

La Liga Loca has been busy scratching away in a very literal sense due to the various skin conditions picked up after its last visit to the Vicente Calderón. The lesson being, never poke your finger into something that’s luminous and moving - no matter how tempting the semi-sentient life form appears to be.

But the blog has also being doing the same on its bedroom walls in full-on nutty room style to try and break the complex code that governs Roberto Soldado’s footballing ways.

Statistically speaking, the Getafe striker needs nearly seven chances for every goal scored - a favourable comparison with David Villa’s six - but it is his weird striking clusters that most intrigues La Liga Loca. 

The former Real Madrid man scored a hat-trick in round one of La Primera, another in round 12 and a brace in round 15. With ten rounds gone since that last mini-explosion and just two goals scored in between, the blog’s extensive MIT scrutinised calculations indicate that Soldado will be knocking in four against Mallorca on Saturday.

And to put the pudding where La Liga Loca’s mouth is - in a very non-Maniche sense - the blog is going to head aaaaallll the way to the Coliseum to watch it happen.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Put pudding here...

Sporting (12th) vs Athletic (7th)

Good news for the ragtag, Scrappy-Doo, only playing in the topflight because of his birth place, Athletic Bilbao striker, Gaizka Toquero.

The follically-challenged forward was about to fall foul of the blog’s red card for goal celebrations involving kissing wrists, pointing at the sky, flashing t-shirts with photos of babies on the front, doing the pregnancy gesture, rocking arms or jamming a football up your jersey directive.

Toquero appeared to be breaking rule one of this law set to be introduced by the Spanish FA, next year, but his own celebration is apparently inspired by wrestler, John Cena, dropping his punishment to a more lenient yellow card and 50 lashes.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Sevilla (4th) vs Deportivo (6th)

A quick glance at the blog’s Guti 2010 calendar tells it that it is now March.

It has circled dates for the Champions League final, the Europa League final and the Championship Play-off final all taking place in May and featuring a photo of the Real Madrid midfielder about to go spear fishing.

However, there is nothing to indicate when the Copa del Rey final is being held, because there is STILL no frackin’ venue or date for the clash between Sevilla and Atlético Madrid.

“It’s the best match of the year and all this has tarnished the image of our game,” harrumped Atleti coach, Quique Sánchez Flores, this week.

LLL Prediction - Home win


Villarreal (8th) vs Xerez (20th)

Whenever the blog looks out for Villarreal, the side appears to be either losing or drawing. So it was more than a little surprised to discover that the east coast club is now in eighth and targeting a Europa League place.

Nevertheless, Villarreal still have some way to go and are eight points behind sixth-placed Deportivo. The secret to catching them, says forward Joseba Llorente is to remember that “this is football and not mathematics.”

Wise words from a player who has the straw-chewing, simpleton, yokel appearance of someone who would be baffled by the concept of a Pot Noodle.

LLL Prediction - Home win

"So run it past me one last time, Nando - you put the hot water in the pot..."

Tenerife (19th) vs Espanyol (14th)

The blog’s droning “Tenerife not as bad as their league position suggests" theory is set to be tested to the full on Sunday with the visit of Espanyol.

With 18 goals scored in 25 games, Espanyol have the worst tally in la Primera along with Xerez.

Espanyol’s top scorer, Iván Alonso, has three league goals and the forward hasn’t managed one since October.

The Pericos have only managed five away goals all season.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Racing (16th) vs Zaragoza (17th)

Zaragoza’s half-decent run of form of late may have given the club’s fans reasons to be cheerful with the side now all with the Iceman and Maverick and burning down the highway from the danger zone.

Unfortunately, all that has changed for Zaragoza with Marca’s edition on Friday, printing a league table that shows that la Liga’s suits have made a bold midseason move and extended the relegation zone to four places.

It’s a change that the blog approves of heartily, as long as it’s Almería sitting in seventeenth, come May.

LLL Prediction - Draw

Almería (13th) vs Málaga (15th)

When La Liga Loca heard that special events were being held in Sweden where people turned up and cuddled each other, the blog’s feet didn’t touch the ground as it headed for the airport.

But then it was forced to turn back in a rather disappointed manner when reading the rest of the report from which informs its readers that attendees “will participate in an after-cuddle workshop where a specific pedagogic method will be applied to expand the understanding of the value of boundary-setting to personal well-being.”

LLL Prediction - Home win

Barcelona (2nd) vs Valencia (3rd)

It’s second against third in La Liga in what must be the biggest game in Europe this weekend.

Except it isn’t. That’s because there is a FIFTEEN POINTS DIFFERENCE between this Primera pair, a statistic which makes the Spanish topflight even duller and predictable than Scotland’s where Dundee United at least have a vague chance of catching Celtic.

LLL Prediction - Home win

"Sure, they're good - but they won't catch Celtic...."

Valladolid (18th) vs Real Madrid (1st)

With just three league wins all season and in the relegation zone, Valladolid captain, Alberto Marcos, decided to speak out, this week, and caused quite a kerfuffle in the Pucela world in the process.

Marcos claimed that his team-mates had to play a little more aggressively than normal against Real Madrid, on Sunday, and promised that “if we have to take someone’s head off, we’ll do it, as they are playing for the league and we are playing for our lives.”

The veteran defender then aimed his aggression at some of his comrades and tutted that “there are players here who are not aware of the consequences of relegation for this club.”

After causing quite a stir - although how anyone can get a good enough grip to remove Cristiano Ronaldo’s oil-soaked head - Marcos was forced to backtrack a little and went for the ‘I was misinterpreted by the media’ tactic.

“My message was not understood by everyone as I intended to give it,” admitted the captain. “I’ve been accused of encouraging violence and I am a little perplexed.”

In Real Madrid news, Marca’s edition on Friday continues to blame Gonzalo Higuaín for the side’s Champions League exit and has the rib tickling accusation that the Argentinean is a ball hogging cad unlike his selfless team-mate

“Why did he not pass to CR9 for two clear chances?” asked the paper which claims that Cristiano is “paying for Higuaín not thinking of the team."

LLL Prediction - Away win


Atlético Madrid (10th) vs Osasuna (11th)

La Liga Loca likes to end Friday’s entry with some happy news to make its readers smile going into the weekend.

So it can bring glad tidings from la Liga that Atlético winger, José Antonio Reyes, is the most fouled player in the division. The Arsenal reject gets a boot up the backside from opposition players every 16 minutes with his manager, Quique Sánchez Flores, now concerned that he is being specifically targeted for rough treatment due to his short temper which saw him sent off, last weekend.

“I’m worried about this and what it means for his fitness,” complained Quique.

LLL Prediction - Home win

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