Tune in for ‘Meet the Agüeros’

Having snored through much of the Olympic football tournament in a ‘Kun-confused’ state, according to the pun-loving Argentine press, Sergio Agüero finally came to his senses on Tuesday by popping up with a couple of goals to dispose of the Brazilians. And in doing so, Kun celebrated with the blog-baiting “I’ve managed to knock someone up, so I’m going to stick my thumb in my mouth” gesture that footballers seem to be so fond of. For Pete’s sake, office workers manage to resist the temptation of dancing around the water cooler doing baby impressions when they de-jam the photocopier, so why can’t football players when they score a frickin’ goal?The reason why Kun was acting like a big wassock was to celebrate the fact that some time ago he successfully impregnated Diego Maradona’s youngest daughter Giannina. “Yes, I was doing ‘the pacifier’,” confirmed the Atlético striker, “you all saw it.” Agüero is set to return to Spain after Saturday’s final and La Liga Loca is desperately hoping that he will be moving into a big house with Giannina and her mad-as-her-hat father. In fact, the blog is already working on the pitch for a sit-com which tracks their wacky day-to-day adventures. In a bold piece of casting, Kun will be played by Stiffler from American Pie, Giannina by a ‘White Men Can’t Jump’ era Rosie Perez with Diego himself being portrayed by Vince Vaughn.Chuckle as Kun gets into big trouble for rolling in at 11 in the morning after a night out with Sergio Ramos and the boys. And watch how Kun tries to save Atlético’s Champions League dreams from being dashed on the rocks of doom - with hilarious consequences. Ramón Calderón has been given a fair amount of advice from friends and enemies alike on Friday. AS’s Tomás Roncero is very upset indeed that the Spanish FA took over a month to formally confirm an amnesty for all player suspensions carried over from last season. Tomás smells a rat and sees the evil hand of the supposedly Madrid-hating FA president Angel Villar in the conspiratorial cookie jar. Roncero suggest that the amnesty was deliberately put into place the day after Real Madrid´s first leg Super Cup match against Valencia - a game where Pepe was suspended. Villar - a chummy friend of Calderón, by all accounts - had thus robbed Real Madrid of Pepe’s getting injured, red card attracting, punching the ball into his own net prowess. “Calderón should rethink his relationship with Villar, as he continues to sleep with the enemy,” warned Roncero.  Sport have gleefully lept upon the opportunity of the apparent U-turn of Real Madrid on the Robinho-to-Chelsea transfer to suggest that their club president is less than trustworthy.  “Ramón Calderón doesn’t even tell the truth to his doctor,” sniffs a snooty José Luis Carazo in Friday’s edition. Piffle and sniffle says chief minion, Roberto Gómez in Marca. Calderón’s bestest buddy in the world claims the contradictory club president has said that, “the squad is closed and apart from any last minute changes there will be no new arrivals.” La Liga Loca is predicting a famous 19-0 win in the Bernabeu for Real Madrid in the second Super Cup leg on Sunday. Not because the home side are any good at the moment - they aren’t - but because the European Formula 1 Grand Prix is being held in Valencia this weekend. The temptation of the gaggle of floozies and hussies that follow the F1 circuit around the world will be too much for any right-minded Valencia based footballer to resist. Unai Emery will be lucky if anyone turns up to board the plane for the Spanish capital. Roberto Gómez also reports that the Valencia squad may not be the only ones to miss out on the jolly - of the sporting kind, of course - as the entire Real Madrid board will be heading to the city for the big event. Sevilla have been boosted with the news that Arouna Koné, their most expensive and arguably worst signing in history is set to miss the next six months having knacked his knee on international duty with the Ivory Coast. And finally, Mundo Deportivo's English language translator continues to offer up a parallel universe of football fun. On Friday, it blasts the headline of “offensive Huntelaar” over a story that the Real Madrid target has suggested to Raul that his granny is in better footballing form than the Real Madrid captain.In an opinion piece one columnist overlooks the fact that Ronaldinho has moved onto pastures new with a by-line boasting of the club’s new “captains of great weight.” Meanwhile over at Atlético Madrid, the paper suggests that the loan move of Ever Banega to the Vicente Calderón is a dead cert with the headline that “an extreme left-handed is necessary.”