The Vapours-Suffering Weekend Predictions - Round 35


Tenerife (19th) v Racing (15th)

A final knuckle-whitening round of midweek matches on the horizon sees seven games kicking off on Saturday evening so la Primera’s prima-donnas don’t get too tired out before their summer holidays begin.

One of the first clashes of the ‘Jornada’ could see Tenerife’s survival hopes squished like a bug under Racing’s big old boot, if things don’t go their way in their volcano base-camp.

But these dreams won’t be trampled on just yet, considering the visitors to the Canary Islands are the equivalent of a particularly spindly flip-flop when it comes to any situation that is remotely stressful.

“You have to know how to manage fear, anxiety and other states of mind in these situations,” fretted Racing boss Miguel Angel Portugal on a group of players that have won just the single away game in the last seven.

LLL - Home win

Málaga (17th) v Sporting (14th)

Another side with the tendency to suffer an attack of the vapours and bring out their man-fans when the going gets tough are Sporting. After cruising to what seemed to be a nice comfy end to the season, the Asturian bottlers have since lost four games in a row without scoring a single goal.

Then again, that’s not a whole lot better than Málaga who have not won a match for seven games, now, but have a sneaky feeling they will be reversing that trend on Saturday.

“Psychologically, it’s important that we’re convinced that we can achieve our goal out on the football field in a calm and collected way” says Málaga manager, Juan Ramón Muñiz, who has overlooked his side’s feisty record of 114 yellow cards and nine reds this season and new-found fondness for booting opposition teams to bits.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Valladolid (18th) v Getafe (7th)

LLL’s ‘liar, liar pants on fire’ award of the week goes to Getafe’s Pedro León, who claims that potential offers over the summer from the likes of Milan will be turned down flat.

“I’ll be at Getafe,” promised the midfielder discussing next season’s scenarios. “I’ve got a five year contract and the project that the president offered me is really exciting,” bluffed Pedro.

LLL Prediction - Home win.

Xerez (20th) v Almería (13th)

Néstor Gorosito’s patience doesn’t appear to be as long as his mullet with the Xerez boss getting into a strop with the club’s owners over the side still being in administration.

“He’s got to fix the institutional problems,” ultimated Gorosito on the apparent inaction of Xerez president Federico Souza. “If there aren’t any solutions in ten days, then I’m listening to other offers.”

LLL Prediction - Home win

Deportivo (9th) v Zaragoza (16th)

Two curious pieces of news filtered out of the Deportivo camp, this week. The first was that club president Augusto César Lendoiro - who looks set to explode Mr Creosote-style, any day now - has decided to renew Riki!!!’s contract to 2013 so the forward can continue a trailblazing record with the Galician club of 116 league appearances and a whopping 20 goals.

The other is that the sprightly Juan Carlos Valerón has had his own deal extended to 2015. When he will be 40. But rather than Deportivo’s tactics developing over the next five years to end up with eleven pensioned-off players standing on the goalline, the midfielder is set to become the club president’s ‘assessor’ and food-taster after trundling around the pitches of la Primera for a couple more years.

“He’s going to be the image and standard-bearer for the club,” promised Lendoiro.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Espanyol (11th) v Valencia (3rd)

The hot news from Mestalla is that the club is still borderline bankrupt and still chocked full of footballers who turn into moaning Minnies as soon as they set foot in the east coast club.

Last week, Joaquín was raging against the Unai Emery machine - and contradicting himself in record time, too - by complaining about the treatment he and Pablo Hernández had been receiving from their manager both for being rotated and for Joaquín himself not being able to start every encounter.

“A fast skilful footballer needs continuity, games and confidence,” complained the whining winger who feels that “it’s easier to drop me than other players as I try not to get angry.”

Joaquín’s table-thumping tantrum inspired newly-arrived striker, Chori Domínguez, into his own Braveheart moment when the Argentinean refused to warm down on the pitch after last Saturday’s Deportivo clash and went home to brood after failing to feature in the encounter.

Unai’s response was to ban the forward for training for a week and take away his salary, too. But there was an even more serious scenario to come with Domínguez left behind for the club’s outward bound adventure day, on Wednesday - a punishment that forced an apology from the sulky striker. “On this occasion my character got the better of me,” admitted Chori.

LLL Prediction - Draw

Villarreal (6th) v Barcelona (1st)

And so La Liga is set to get serious with the biggest question of the season about to be resolved - who switched on the sprinklers at the Camp Nou, on Wednesday night?

After being prompted by the Barcelona press man on Thursday, Xavi claimed during a conference  - ‘sarcastically’ say Marca - that “they told me that they turned them on as some Inter fans wanted to run onto the pitch.”

Marca are reporting that the ‘extra-official’ truth behind the incident is that the aquatic action was taken to prevent the club’s own irate supporters from invading the pitch - something that seems quite unlikely considering the effort required in standing up, walking and climbing over an advertising hoarding would be far too much for the Nou Camp’s notoriously lazy faithful.

Nevertheless, it seems that Inter got their revenge for their sudden soaking with the paper reporting that a chair on the visitor's bench was broken, food was left all over the dressing room floor and a whirlpool bath was filled with rubbish.

The last time the blog can recall the latter happening in la Liga was when Deportivo’s showers were unusable for the day.

LLL Prediction - Home win


Sevilla (5th) v Atlético (10th)

Atlético Madrid fans living in the Spanish capital finally found a new use for their car horns aside from warning fellow motorists that they are about to drive into the back of them or scattering pedestrians from crossings.

When time was called on the Anfield clash, Rojiblancos piled into cars and spent a good few hours driving round the streets of Madrid tooting away, whilst others went to their celebratory Neptune fountain for a bit of a premature party - after all, two finals and two defeats is not a outrageous notion for Atleti come May considering the away goal rule won’t count in the clashes.

LLL Prediction - Home win

Real Madrid (2nd) v Osasuna (12th)

There’s more Kaká to be found in Spain, this week, than on a French pavement.

The Brazilian’s goalscoring return against Zaragoza after a 42-day siesta has produced a media blitz of Kaká claiming that he has not been faking his injuries, ahead of the World Cup and that anyone who says otherwise is a very, very bad person.

“Kaká is Pellegrini’s secret weapon for the last four games of the season,” reveals Marca on a player who is set to have a puzzled Osasuna coach, José Antonio Camacho, reaching for his scouting reports, apparently.

The visit of AC Milan VP, Adriano Galliani, to the Bernabeu on Thursday gave another perspective on the story with the Italian poo-pooing an inquiry from His Majesty’s press that his club had knowingly sold Madrid a dud.

“It’s a total lie,” blustered Galliani who could have countered the question with the words Klaas, Jan and Huntelaar. “Kaká was sold to Madrid in a perfect physical condition.”

LLL Prediction - Home win

Athletic (8th) v Mallorca (4th) that the time?

LLL Prediction - Home win