The Bingo-Playing Sitcom-Writing Premier Previews
If thereÃ¢ÂÂs one thing in the Premier League you can expect, itÃ¢ÂÂs the unexpected (this should be a betting option at Ladbrokes).
For a start, fast-moving transfer talk is making it virtually impossible to keep up to date.
By the time the weekendÃ¢ÂÂs fixtures come around, Ryan Babel will probably be playing for a Colonists of Mars XI.
Also, just as you think Liverpool have, in the words of Steven George Gerrard, Ã¢ÂÂturned a corner,Ã¢ÂÂ they put in a lacklustre performance and draw against Wolves.
Just as you think West Ham have been given a spring in their step, they take only a draw from a vital relegation six-pointer against bottom-of-the-table, bottom-of-the-cash-heap, bottom-of-the-bottom Portsmouth.
And just as you think things can't get any worse for Pompey themselves, the lifting of their transfer ban has been greeted by more goings than comings.
Rumours of Younes Kaboul to Tottenham and David James to Oh Please God Anyone Anywhere But Here have been topped by the sale of defender Mike Williamson to Newcastle.
Only Pompey could engineer a sale that costs them money, but because their ÃÂ£2 million Williamson deal with Watford last September involved a sell-on fee, some of that money they so desperately need will have to be given to the 'Orns.
Still, at least Pompey avoided paying the ÃÂ£1 million bonus to Watford based on Williamson's appearances by, uh, not giving him any.
He didnÃ¢ÂÂt feature in the first team once because they couldn't afford to play him.
ItÃ¢ÂÂs extraordinary. The Portsmouth FC website wasnÃ¢ÂÂt suspended briefly due to lack of payments to the service provider; it was hanging its head in shame.
Birmingham vs Spurs
Gala Bingo continues as SpursÃ¢ÂÂ Giovani dos Santos becomes GalatasarayÃ¢ÂÂs third EPL signing in a month. CanÃ¢ÂÂt they collect stamps?
ItÃ¢ÂÂs unconfirmed whether Dos Santos, Jo and Lucas Neill are filming a sitcom out there (Ã¢ÂÂJoÃ¢ÂÂs left his bloody washing up again! Why I oughta...Ã¢ÂÂ) but Portsmouth should get in on the Turkish league leadersÃ¢ÂÂ addiction to the English Prem before the money dries up.
The bigger news, of course, is Ã¢ÂÂArryÃ¢ÂÂs capture of Eidur Gudjohnsen despite the noises coming from Upton Park.
This is fast becoming a frantic transfer window. This bloggerÃ¢ÂÂs keeping his phone on loud.
But Eidur way it does raise another question:
Does this mean the first client at our new agency for unwanted footballers, Roman Pavlyuchenko, is definitely leaving Spurs now?
Ooh, wonder where. Yes, where in the world could he possibly go... wait, the phone's ringing. Hello? Galatasaray?
What won't happen: West Ham to swallow their pride and swoop for Pavlova, even though it would be very, very funny.
What will happen: Away win Ã¢ÂÂ wait a minute, hold the phone! Birmingham want the Pav! And theyÃ¢ÂÂve bid for Aruna Dindane ahead of competition from Stoke and Blackburn!! NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE!!!
Burnley vs Chelsea
Chelsea are back at the top and with a game in hand Ã¢ÂÂ but they wonÃ¢ÂÂt want to drop points against a Burnley side thatÃ¢ÂÂs just slipped into the relegation zone, will they? No, they will not.
The Clarets have turned the clock back to sign goalkeeping granddad Nicky Weaver, somehow only 30 years of age, until the end of the season.
Presumably Ian Walker and Big Nev Southall were unavailable.
TheyÃ¢ÂÂre also hunting a Fox in the Box Ã¢ÂÂ albeit their own box, because target signing Danny Fox of Celtic is a left-back.
Cue Ã¢ÂÂFantastic Mr FoxÃ¢ÂÂ headlines if he does ANYTHING.
What won't happen: Nicky Weaver waltzes into the first team, plays like a man possessed and finds himself on a plane to South Africa.
What will happen: However, itÃ¢ÂÂs not for the World Cup: Weaver begins a challenging new stage of his career called Ã¢ÂÂWill Save Penalties For FoodÃ¢ÂÂ. Burnley 0-2 Chelsea.
Fulham vs Aston Villa
The last time Villa scored in the Premier League, in a 1-0 win over Stoke, some of us hadnÃ¢ÂÂt begun our Christmas shopping.
Since then, theyÃ¢ÂÂve played four games without scoring, something that makes other managers wake up screaming.
Not Martin OÃ¢ÂÂNeill though. He's cooler than Hong Kong Phooey wearing sunglasses.
Fulham don't have it any better, of course. They put some nice passing together against Spurs in their 2-0 defeat midweek, but still looked about as threatening as a sunflower.
ThatÃ¢ÂÂs not very threatening. Unless you have hayfever.
What won't happen: Thriller! Thriller night...
What will happen: Both teams struggle to find some attacking momentum Ã¢ÂÂ especially Fulham, with a Clint Dempsey-shaped hole in their XI. Uninspiring draw, then.
Hull vs Wolves
Another day, another six-pointer Ã¢ÂÂ itÃ¢ÂÂs unbelievably close at the bottom (two points separate five teams).
Wolves should have the momentum after an encouraging draw with Liverpool.
Meanwhile, Hull have joined the loaning craze by snapping up Amr Zaki, insisting they know his Ã¢ÂÂchequered backgroundÃ¢ÂÂ with Wigan last year (that is, he went AWOL no less than four times).
Steve Bruce called him Ã¢ÂÂthe most unprofessional player [he had] ever worked with.Ã¢ÂÂ
He wonÃ¢ÂÂt mess with Phil Brown though Ã¢ÂÂ not if he wants to avoid spending half-time sitting in the naughty corner. Of the penalty area.
What wonÃ¢ÂÂt happen: The relegation battle wrapped up by March Ã¢ÂÂ like an award for most hyped show in the history of TV, this is going to The Wire.
What will happen: A draw leaves both sides unsatisfied.
Liverpool vs Bolton
Oh, Liverpool. When you will get some consistency? YouÃ¢ÂÂre flakier than a Flake, only you drop points instead of crumbs.
Owen Ã¢ÂÂJudasÃ¢ÂÂ Coyle betrayed his former Burnley faithful not with a kiss but a 1-0 victory with his new Bolton outfit.
A win here could take them even further clear of the relegation zone.
What? They could do it. This is Liverpool weÃ¢ÂÂre talking about!
What wonÃ¢ÂÂt happen: Benayoun to leave for Dinamo Moscow, despite what the gossips gossip.
What will happen: Another shocker for Liverpool keeps everyoneÃ¢ÂÂs lips moving.
West Ham vs Blackburn
David Sullivan's reaction to SpursÃ¢ÂÂ last-minute poaching of Eidur Gudjohnsen Ã¢ÂÂ after heÃ¢ÂÂd been at Upton Park for a medical Ã¢ÂÂ was more than a little eerie.
In his words: Ã¢ÂÂI canÃ¢ÂÂt say I am happy about it but I believe in karma and what goes around, comes around.Ã¢ÂÂ
Cue Harry Redknapp falling mysteriously down a flight of stairs.
What wonÃ¢ÂÂt happen: Ã¢ÂÂArry may or may not be a superstitious man, but it would be amusing to see him in the dugout nervously grabbing a rabbitÃ¢ÂÂs foot, a four-leafed clover and the ear of Carlo Ã¢ÂÂI am a lucky manÃ¢ÂÂ Ancelotti.
Maybe this could become a full-blown war, complete with black cats, badly-placed ladders and the West Ham shop selling voodoo dolls of the Spurs boss.
What will happen: Benni McCarthy, switching between the clubs, plays for neither. The Hammers get up and running with a win.
Wigan vs Everton
Lately, Everton have been taking points without anybody really noticing Ã¢ÂÂ the footballing equivalent of a quiet office worker embezzling from the big boys.
Now up to Cloud Ninth, theyÃ¢ÂÂre unbeaten since NovemberÃ¢ÂÂs dire Merseyside derby, and in those eight games theyÃ¢ÂÂve played Arsenal, Chelsea, Manchester City and Spurs.
Add to this run of form the long-awaited return of Mikel Arteta and itÃ¢ÂÂs a sweet time to be a Toffee.
What wonÃ¢ÂÂt happen: Replacement Wigan keeper Vladimir Stojkovic, who had a shocker on debut against Blackburn, to be picked ahead of Chris Kirkland when the Englishman returns.
What will happen: Everton nab another three points. ItÃ¢ÂÂs Moyezilla! Get the anti-aircraft guns, heÃ¢ÂÂs unstoppable!
Arsenal vs Manchester United
Well, what a Manchester derby, eh? More thrills and spills than a night on the pi Ã¢ÂÂ the Bovril.
Something says this follow-up fixture wonÃ¢ÂÂt quite match up...
Oh, wait. ItÃ¢ÂÂs Manchester United vs Arsenal. Blimey, it never stops, does it?
There are opposing fortunes in the defensive ranks of the opposing armies.
UnitedÃ¢ÂÂs Rio de Ferdinaro is banned for four matches after launching a Ã¢ÂÂfrivolousÃ¢ÂÂ appeal against his three-match ban.
Technically this counts as a gun-inflicted injury to the foot.
The Gunners, however, have good news in that Thomas VermaelenÃ¢ÂÂs injury isnÃ¢ÂÂt as bad as first suspected.
He probably still wonÃ¢ÂÂt feature in this match, but itÃ¢ÂÂs still good news for Arsenal fans and anyone who appreciates a good Ã¢ÂÂthatÃ¢ÂÂs-not-newsÃ¢ÂÂ headline on the BBC website (Ã¢ÂÂArsenal defender Thomas Vermaelen has not broken legÃ¢ÂÂ).
Neither has Arsene Wenger Ã¢ÂÂ whatÃ¢ÂÂs your point?
What wonÃ¢ÂÂt happen: Rooney to miss another sitter like the one on Wednesday (that was an incredible effort), and 3D football to catch on.
This is the first match to feature on Sky>Ã¢ÂÂs 3D channel, shown in nine pubs around the UK. Surely, SURELY this is a bad idea.
Ã¢ÂÂEvra clears, itÃ¢ÂÂs gone high in the air, SH*T ITÃ¢ÂÂS COMING STRAIGHT FOR MEÃ¢ÂÂ Ã¢ÂÂ and the pints go flying.
What will happen: Smash Ã¢ÂÂnÃ¢ÂÂ grab away win.
Manchester City vs Portsmouth
Enough, then, about PortsmouthÃ¢ÂÂs financial situation, although rumours are circulating that sufferers of the Haiti earthquake are sending aid to Fratton Park.
The good news is a valuable point, though theyÃ¢ÂÂd have preferred three, against West Ham in the week and that theyÃ¢ÂÂll come up against a jaded Manchester City side recovering emotionally from their Carling Cup defeat at Old Trafford.
Still, RobinhoÃ¢ÂÂs gone at last Ã¢ÂÂ that could cheer any City players bored of his want-away press antics.
Six months in the Brazilian league, eh, Robbo? ThatÃ¢ÂÂs right, challenge yourself.
What wonÃ¢ÂÂt happen: A City win, because thatÃ¢ÂÂs the prediction. Here comes the Pompey fightback.
What will happen: Portsmouth FC to continue imploding until they have to sell off all their players, the ground, the furniture, the chairmanÃ¢ÂÂs children and finally the land, as the city is towed adrift from England in a loan deal with France.
Sunderland vs Stoke
Unlike many felines in freefall, the Black Cats donÃ¢ÂÂt look capable of landing on their feet.
TheyÃ¢ÂÂre scoring goals Ã¢ÂÂ eight in their last five league matches Ã¢ÂÂ but itÃ¢ÂÂs letting in twice as many thatÃ¢ÂÂs the problem.
You wouldnÃ¢ÂÂt want to be a transfer target of theirs either, after Salvador Cabanas was sadly in somebody elseÃ¢ÂÂs sights as well as Steve BruceÃ¢ÂÂs.
The good news is heÃ¢ÂÂs slowly recovering from a gunshot wound to the head.
What wonÃ¢ÂÂt happen: This wonÃ¢ÂÂt be a pretty game...
What will happen: ...but Stoke triumph to continue BruceÃ¢ÂÂs misery.